Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Largely agree with you (as have others), though I softened a bit after the most recent post. Would like to know more about OP's family's financial situation before I decide "full grifter." Also hope that the sibling is not screwed out of money by OP living in the mom's home after the mom passes.

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read the entire thread, but lots of it. Am I the only one that thinks OP is acting like quite the grifter here? If Mom sells her house, she can probably afford the $10,000 per month it will cost to move to a lovely memory care unit at a good nursing facility. OP is "willing to chip in?" While she's living for free in her mom's house? I am disgusted by this whole thing, honestly.

Anonymous wrote:
Hi, OP here.

Mom will be in the rehab center for a few more weeks. We’re planning around a departure by middle of December. She really wants to be home for Xmas.

At the moment we have decided to bring her home. We are looking at the outset for proper in home care, starting out with (ideally) M-F from 8-6pm and will see how we go. As we understand Medicare covers 16 hours per week of care and we would pay the difference. All to be finalized over the next few weeks.

She is doing better and getting some of her mobility back, but her doctor has acknowledged that her condition is likely to only worsen. Even he said that a proper facility may be better for her down the line. My sister agrees too.

We have had elderly relatives move to such places, so we understand many of the various pros and many cons.

We are speaking with a lawyer focusing on elder law and estate planning, regarding her Will, Life Estate, POA/Health Care Proxy. These 4 documents were drawn up at different times by 3 different lawyers so we are checking that these (holistically speaking) are consistent with each other and there are no gaps. We also just learned that she never actually even signed the POA/HCP after they were sent to her 2 years ago so need to get that sorted out. It’s a bit messy.

The lawyer is also looking at ways to ensure whether she complies with any Medicaid income requirements (ie involving a community trust). This way we can hopefully make it affordable for all.

Thank for everyone’s perspectives here, it is very complicated and a steep learning curve to understand during a stressful time.

Anonymous wrote:
Hi, OP here.

Mom will be in the rehab center for a few more weeks. We’re planning around a departure by middle of December. She really wants to be home for Xmas.

At the moment we have decided to bring her home. We are looking at the outset for proper in home care, starting out with (ideally) M-F from 8-6pm and will see how we go. As we understand Medicare covers 16 hours per week of care and we would pay the difference. All to be finalized over the next few weeks.

She is doing better and getting some of her mobility back, but her doctor has acknowledged that her condition is likely to only worsen. Even he said that a proper facility may be better for her down the line. My sister agrees too.

We have had elderly relatives move to such places, so we understand many of the various pros and many cons.

We are speaking with a lawyer focusing on elder law and estate planning, regarding her Will, Life Estate, POA/Health Care Proxy. These 4 documents were drawn up at different times by 3 different lawyers so we are checking that these (holistically speaking) are consistent with each other and there are no gaps. We also just learned that she never actually even signed the POA/HCP after they were sent to her 2 years ago so need to get that sorted out. It’s a bit messy.

The lawyer is also looking at ways to ensure whether she complies with any Medicaid income requirements (ie involving a community trust). This way we can hopefully make it affordable for all.

Thank for everyone’s perspectives here, it is very complicated and a steep learning curve to understand during a stressful time.

Anonymous wrote:I’m having trouble imagining that OPs mom was staying alone, getting meals for herself, independently going outside for a walk, then fell and now needs full skilled care nursing home- it’s possible, but not likely. In a nursing home she will be spending the majority of the day in bed, will not be encouraged to move or maintain what strength she has, and will likely become very depressed very quickly.

I agree with those who say quality of life over longevity. It sounds like mom wanted to protect the house so she could stay in it, so I feel OP owes it to her mom to at least try home health for 8-12 hours a day.

Assisted living is also an option, but Medicare won’t pay for that and often the family will need to provide a few hours of personal care/day on top of the monthly rate.

Also agreeing that a nursing home or assisted living provides some relief, but OP should expect to spend time there each week as well as time on the phone handling quite a few things. Consider, with small children that it might be easier in your own home and an atmosphere you can control to some extent, rather than going to a facility where people in wheel chairs line the halls, call out, moan and yell. OP before making a decision you really should visit and spend some time seeing what life is really like.
I am not against facilities, depending on the needs, desires and resources the aging parent has, they can be an excellent option. I have a relative currently moving through the continuum in a CCC from independent to assisted living (after a short stay in rehab) and they are receiving excellent care. They have many friends who visit often and they participate in many activities- classes, concerts, movies, crafts- even though they are not able to live alone. When/if their money runs out, they will qualify for benevolent care, but they had to sell their home and invest in their future to ensure this was the case. For them it was an excellent decision.

Anonymous wrote:My siblings and I and our adult kids all pitched in to take care of our mom at the end. We had an aide 8-4 M-F but we did the rest. It was not a burden or a nightmare, it was a privilege.

I don't know why you don't want to expose your kids to the normal ageing and dying process, they've already seen a lot of it. It won't hurt them to see the rest.