Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dan Savage once said that part of being a good partner is staying within 10% of the weight you were when you met. I've always made that a goal for myself.

Why is that part of being a good partner?

I don’t get it. My husband is unhappy with my weight. I have gained about 20% of what I weighed when we got married (160 lbs - 190 lbs ; 5’8”). I gained it during pregnancies, but my youngest is in fourth grade.

But we have a good sex life, and I know he finds me attractive. I am overall active (just ran four miles this morning and went on a long hike in the woods with DD yesterday). My health is good.

I find it uncomfortable to lose weight and maintain it. I don’t really want to live that way. I don’t get what the big deal is.

You sound so together!!

He is lucky.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the record:
-- the gain I'm talking about increased her weight by 20-25% from her old normal
-- this is not baby weight. The last baby was 9 yars ago. The weight gaining has been only in the past couple years
-- I keep myself trim

You are a terrible dh and human being. Her weight is none of your business. If you told me this I would totally ignore you. I am so glad my dh is not like you. ( and I am not fat before anyone fat shames me) "I keep myself trim" too!

What? I'm a woman, and I feel like of course my body is my sex partner's business just as his is mine. If he gained 50lbs I probably wouldn't want to have sex with him anymore. Especially if they are raising children together, her health is very important to the family.

OP, I'm sympathetic. I have worked hard to prioritize staying slender. My DH struggles more than I do and it kills my desire. I have no idea how to talk to him about it, but I know he's already maxed out with work and raising kids. I think with women, if you just gently hint at it, she might get the picture. Sitting her down will only make her feel like crap. Are your communication skills good and nuanced enough that you can hint at things? Or say you want a family lifestyle change and start meal planning much healthier stuff? Set an example by fasting and telling her how it works for you? Start exercising with her in ways you both enjoy? Ask her to wear something she once fit into but now probably cannot? Most likely she's already not happy with her weight so be very gentle. But all these apologists on here are crazy and this lax attitude about getting fat is part of our country's obesity problem. This isn't gaining 5-15lbs as you age, OP is talking about 30-50lbs which, I'm sorry, does NOT look good on anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dan Savage once said that part of being a good partner is staying within 10% of the weight you were when you met. I've always made that a goal for myself.

Why is that part of being a good partner?

I don’t get it. My husband is unhappy with my weight. I have gained about 20% of what I weighed when we got married (160 lbs - 190 lbs ; 5’8”). I gained it during pregnancies, but my youngest is in fourth grade.

But we have a good sex life, and I know he finds me attractive. I am overall active (just ran four miles this morning and went on a long hike in the woods with DD yesterday). My health is good.

I find it uncomfortable to lose weight and maintain it. I don’t really want to live that way. I don’t get what the big deal is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. I don't think OP is a troll. I think he's saying what a lot of spouses probably think but don't say.

It's important to find a partner you're compatible with beyond physical attractiveness. If we're lucky, we're all going to get old, develop wrinkles, sag, and probably gain some weight.

OP, encourage your wife to be healthy. Exercise with her. Cook healthy meals together. Compliment her successes.

He didn’t say that she is unhealthy or that he wants her to engage in healthier behaviors.

This isn’t a good way to put it because she can engage in a lot of behaviors that are healthy, but don’t actually lead to weight loss (regular exercise, better sleep, yoga, meditation, stopping alcohol use, taking prescribed medications, etc), when this isn’t actually what he is asking for.

Anonymous wrote:NP. I don't think OP is a troll. I think he's saying what a lot of spouses probably think but don't say.

It's important to find a partner you're compatible with beyond physical attractiveness. If we're lucky, we're all going to get old, develop wrinkles, sag, and probably gain some weight.

OP, encourage your wife to be healthy. Exercise with her. Cook healthy meals together. Compliment her successes.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let's see ...

I did not post about this previously

My BMI is 21.

Other than around pregnancy, hers was always around 23-24, but it incrased in the past couple years to 27-28. that's official overweight.

To the people who said things like "it's her body", get a grip. I didn't say I was going to try to force her to lose weight, and I'm not trying to "control" her body, just that I would tell her that's what I would like.

To the people who think looks don't matter, stop projecting, or examine your own preferences more closely. They matter to many people. Maybe not weight to everyone, maybe other aspects of appearance to some people. But they matter. And I don't see anything wrong with that. I try to stay attractive to her, and I want her to try for me.

Yes, she knows she's gained weight. Of course she knows. But she's not trying to lose it. If I tell her I would like her to, maybe that would help motivate her.

Do I have a plan? Sure, I have ideas, but I doubt she'd listen to me. Again, I'm mainly hoping this could motivate her.

I've never said this sort of thing to her before. Never needed to. After the pregnancies, she lost the weight. And beyond that, she generally maintained it.

I don't think time is a barrier. She has enough time to lose weight.

If she's actively working on it and progressing, okay. I wouldn't encourage a fast weight loss anyway; that would lead her to put it right back on.

I don't have droopy balls, but that would be out of my control, just like her wrinkles are out of her control and I would not say anything aobut that. But weight is controllable.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Let's see ...

I did not post about this previously

My BMI is 21.

Other than around pregnancy, hers was always around 23-24, but it incrased in the past couple years to 27-28. that's official overweight.

To the people who said things like "it's her body", get a grip. I didn't say I was going to try to force her to lose weight, and I'm not trying to "control" her body, just that I would tell her that's what I would like.

To the people who think looks don't matter, stop projecting, or examine your own preferences more closely. They matter to many people. Maybe not weight to everyone, maybe other aspects of appearance to some people. But they matter. And I don't see anything wrong with that. I try to stay attractive to her, and I want her to try for me.

Yes, she knows she's gained weight. Of course she knows. But she's not trying to lose it. If I tell her I would like her to, maybe that would help motivate her.

Do I have a plan? Sure, I have ideas, but I doubt she'd listen to me. Again, I'm mainly hoping this could motivate her.

I've never said this sort of thing to her before. Never needed to. After the pregnancies, she lost the weight. And beyond that, she generally maintained it.

I don't think time is a barrier. She has enough time to lose weight.

If she's actively working on it and progressing, okay. I wouldn't encourage a fast weight loss anyway; that would lead her to put it right back on.

I don't have droopy balls, but that would be out of my control, just like her wrinkles are out of her control and I would not say anything aobut that. But weight is controllable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do people keep talking about time to exercise. That has basically nothing to do with weight loss. In fact, exercise is usually counterproductive for weight loss. To lose weight, you have to reduce your calorie intake, which means eating less, which usually requires developing better eating habits. That doesn't really take extra time out of your day. Might even take less since you're eating less.

So, how much weight have you lost, and successfully kept off, by only eating less? We'll wait. And don't fudge the "kept it off" part. Tell us your age and genetic details too, PP. What, you won't? So you don't comprehend that age, activity level, genetic background, hormones and more than just "eat less" all affect weight loss.

I'm not the PP you're raging at, but exercise is a very small part of weight loss. It has a lot of health benefits of course. No, I've never lost a significant amount of weight because I've never gained a significant amount (outside of pregnancy, maybe that counts?)

https://www.mayoclinichealthsystem.org/hometown-health/speaking-of-health/does-exercise-help-you-lose-weight

Anonymous wrote:You say she has time. I bet she doesn’t.

You may measure time so much more differently than her. You’re thinking “we all have the same 24 hours.”

I don’t know her or you. You need to actively give her lots more time, lots more positive energy. Negative energy will result in needing more rest.

Everybody needs rest, so you may see her sitting on her butt, but she absolutely needs it to survive. Like I said, positive energy. Connection. That will go further than “time.”

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the record:
-- the gain I'm talking about increased her weight by 20-25% from her old normal
-- this is not baby weight. The last baby was 9 yars ago. The weight gaining has been only in the past couple years
-- I keep myself trim

You are a terrible dh and human being. Her weight is none of your business. If you told me this I would totally ignore you. I am so glad my dh is not like you. ( and I am not fat before anyone fat shames me) "I keep myself trim" too!

What? I'm a woman, and I feel like of course my body is my sex partner's business just as his is mine. If he gained 50lbs I probably wouldn't want to have sex with him anymore. Especially if they are raising children together, her health is very important to the family.

OP, I'm sympathetic. I have worked hard to prioritize staying slender. My DH struggles more than I do and it kills my desire. I have no idea how to talk to him about it, but I know he's already maxed out with work and raising kids. I think with women, if you just gently hint at it, she might get the picture. Sitting her down will only make her feel like crap. Are your communication skills good and nuanced enough that you can hint at things? Or say you want a family lifestyle change and start meal planning much healthier stuff? Set an example by fasting and telling her how it works for you? Start exercising with her in ways you both enjoy? Ask her to wear something she once fit into but now probably cannot? Most likely she's already not happy with her weight so be very gentle. But all these apologists on here are crazy and this lax attitude about getting fat is part of our country's obesity problem. This isn't gaining 5-15lbs as you age, OP is talking about 30-50lbs which, I'm sorry, does NOT look good on anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For the record:
-- the gain I'm talking about increased her weight by 20-25% from her old normal
-- this is not baby weight. The last baby was 9 yars ago. The weight gaining has been only in the past couple years
-- I keep myself trim

You are a terrible dh and human being. Her weight is none of your business. If you told me this I would totally ignore you. I am so glad my dh is not like you. ( and I am not fat before anyone fat shames me) "I keep myself trim" too!