Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.

The bolded is absolutely, positively, not okay. Not at all. It's not about all the girls being equally close - they know they're not. Even in my DD's friend group, there are pairs or trios who spend more time together, for various reasons. There's a world of difference between those natural relationships and kicking kids out of a PARTY because parents don't have the spine to say no to their kids. This issue actually arose two days ago; we were planning to host DD's friend group for Halloween, pre- and post-trick or treating, and DD asked if two of them could come over early to set up (no, they could not). Was she happy in the moment? No. Did she live? Yes, and had a great time.

As an adult, I have friends with whom I'm particularly close, and one in particular who is more like family. I see them on separate occasions and sometimes together, as one does. What I do NOT do is invite eight girlfriends for a spa day, wave goodbye to five, and do a girls' night with the remaining three. If I want a night out with my three closest pals, that's a separate event.

+1 It's rude to categorize guests into A List and B List.

This was so common at my DC’s k-8 private school. Some parents would invite a bigger group to the party at like the trampoline park and then one group of 5-6 kids would all leave with the birthday kid with their sleeping bags and pillows. So incredibly rude. Just plan a sleep over for another weekend.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

LOL. The self-centered parents on here fall all over themselves to justify letting them and their kid be a jerk. As long as their kid is on the "in" then screw the kid(s) left out. . . . . it's disgusting.

There are lots of kids who are jerks…insecure and mean. I know plenty of these kids. It’s shocking.

But… there are also a lot of nice kids who are happy and well grounded. You may assume they’re mean, simply on the grounds that they have a friend group. I see some people here making enormous assumptions…I assume there is pain behind that so I am treading lightly but don’t assume everyone is an a-hole.

Kind of making the point of the prior post. . .

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.

The bolded is absolutely, positively, not okay. Not at all. It's not about all the girls being equally close - they know they're not. Even in my DD's friend group, there are pairs or trios who spend more time together, for various reasons. There's a world of difference between those natural relationships and kicking kids out of a PARTY because parents don't have the spine to say no to their kids. This issue actually arose two days ago; we were planning to host DD's friend group for Halloween, pre- and post-trick or treating, and DD asked if two of them could come over early to set up (no, they could not). Was she happy in the moment? No. Did she live? Yes, and had a great time.

As an adult, I have friends with whom I'm particularly close, and one in particular who is more like family. I see them on separate occasions and sometimes together, as one does. What I do NOT do is invite eight girlfriends for a spa day, wave goodbye to five, and do a girls' night with the remaining three. If I want a night out with my three closest pals, that's a separate event.

+1 It's rude to categorize guests into A List and B List.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe she’s the only non drinker.

I suspect this is a factor for what happened to my friend's daughter. Her 11th grade DD was the only one in her friend group who was left out of a Halloween party. She doesn't drink. It looks like the other girls are starting to party.

The sad thing is that this is how peer pressure starts. It's the ultimatum between party or get kicked out of friend groups. My DD is in 10th and also doesn't drink. She declined some invitations to parties with alcohol and even drugs, and now she just doesn't get invited anymore. She's starting to make some other friends who also don't drink, and I hope they all stay the course. I can see why some of these teens feel like they have to start partying just to have friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.

The bolded is absolutely, positively, not okay. Not at all. It's not about all the girls being equally close - they know they're not. Even in my DD's friend group, there are pairs or trios who spend more time together, for various reasons. There's a world of difference between those natural relationships and kicking kids out of a PARTY because parents don't have the spine to say no to their kids. This issue actually arose two days ago; we were planning to host DD's friend group for Halloween, pre- and post-trick or treating, and DD asked if two of them could come over early to set up (no, they could not). Was she happy in the moment? No. Did she live? Yes, and had a great time.

As an adult, I have friends with whom I'm particularly close, and one in particular who is more like family. I see them on separate occasions and sometimes together, as one does. What I do NOT do is invite eight girlfriends for a spa day, wave goodbye to five, and do a girls' night with the remaining three. If I want a night out with my three closest pals, that's a separate event.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.

The bolded is absolutely, positively, not okay. Not at all. It's not about all the girls being equally close - they know they're not. Even in my DD's friend group, there are pairs or trios who spend more time together, for various reasons.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

I am sorry this happened to your daughter to her face.

The car size is real though. I often take the number of kids I can fit. I tell my kid(s) how many friends they can bring. I wonder how many times someone may have felt bad simply because of the number of seats I have in my car.

As a parent of a left out kid, I can tell you that I'd often be happy to drive. If I have to drive both ways I'll bring a bookb to stay busy while I wait.

No one is obligated to hang out with anyone but parents should teach kids to look for opportunities to include others, even as tweens and teens. This is especially true if an entire "group" is getting together except for one kid (group meaning like all the kids from the same lunch table, all the same grade or gender in a sport or club or class).

+1 especially the bolded. My 12 year old DD has a friend group of seven girls total. Our rule is that she invites either the entire group or no more than two others, i.e., no inviting all but one girl, no inviting more than half of the group and leaving three out. I know that not all the girls in the group stick to that, but it's what we do.

Also not allowed: a smaller subset of the group getting a special add-on to something, e.g., inviting the whole group for a birthday party and only a few select ones to sleepover. F no.

I have boys and I don’t do sleepovers but I have heard from many moms over the years about having some sort of regular party and a few select girls can sleep over. Host mom and probably birthday girl doesn’t want to host 10+ girls all night but 3-5 girls would be ok.

In all these friend groups, do these girls all think they are equally close? I find my boys have 1-2 close/best friends and then there are newer friends or just not as close friends. Not all friendships are equal. For my entire life, I have always had 1 or 2 BFF type friends and then was part of larger friend groups. Maybe I wasn’t included and or excluded so I didn’t feel bad much in my teen years.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.

Wait these two kids were purposefully left out by your kids? I’m sure these kids do try to hang out and have events - but probably won’t be a hang out house like yours is. But recognize if the kids aren’t socially savvy, there is no chance they are inviting over. A big group of friends.

I don’t think she’s talking about the two kids hosting a big party. It’s probably more that the kids never invite people over to hang out on a random Tuesday or Saturday.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.

Wait these two kids were purposefully left out by your kids? I’m sure these kids do try to hang out and have events - but probably won’t be a hang out house like yours is. But recognize if the kids aren’t socially savvy, there is no chance they are inviting over. A big group of friends.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

LOL. The self-centered parents on here fall all over themselves to justify letting them and their kid be a jerk. As long as their kid is on the "in" then screw the kid(s) left out. . . . . it's disgusting.

There are lots of kids who are jerks…insecure and mean. I know plenty of these kids. It’s shocking.

But… there are also a lot of nice kids who are happy and well grounded. You may assume they’re mean, simply on the grounds that they have a friend group. I see some people here making enormous assumptions…I assume there is pain behind that so I am treading lightly but don’t assume everyone is an a-hole.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

LOL. The self-centered parents on here fall all over themselves to justify letting them and their kid be a jerk. As long as their kid is on the "in" then screw the kid(s) left out. . . . . it's disgusting.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dd was ditched by her group tonight. One of the girls who she knows but isn’t close to invited all the other girls to her house after tot. There wasn’t enough room in their cars so the one friend looked at my dd and said “you’re headed home now, right?” Teen girls suck. My dd is so upset she doesn’t want to face these girls at school tomorrow.

What would have been the preferable alternative?

Not pp but -
Go to a place within walking distance.
Ask another parent to drive and split up into two cars.
Trick or treat until 8:30 or 9 then everyone goes to their own home since it's a school night for most kids.
Hosting girl could have just a couple friends over so it's just not one single girl left out. Other girls could make their own plans or just go home without feeling like they are the only ones not invited

All good options. I think parents need to read this, internatize and then teach their kids. If the parents can't come up with ways to not single out one person, the kids aren't going to learn it either.

The parents who have kids who leave others out often model exclusionary behavior themselves.

I thought of two separate kids in our neighborhood who were purposely left out when I read this thread yesterday. Both kids perceived as weird and not cool.

Once kids turn 10, there is no more everyone is included. Friendships are fluid.

I wonder if these kids who are left out actually host or plan outings. We are the hang out house and we always host. I feel like I plan and do the inviting significantly more than others.