Anonymous wrote:35 years of marriage gives both of us an opportunity to look back at what we have achieved in our life, marriage, children, family, society and profession, the ups and downs, the people we have lost along the way, the new relationships etc, and in all of this we feel gratitude for each other. Money is the least important achievement for us. Yes, it is important as a resource and tool to meet our goals, but our achievement in life has been our partnership, our relationships with others and our children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

Every successful marriage I see, they have joint finances. Its "our money", not "my money" or "your money", no matter if both earn equally or theirs is a disparity. If you are into money, manage it yourself but no need to divide it. There is more to life than money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married 9 years. I’m the wife, and and now making 3X DH’s salary. He is not money motivated (scientist), and I feel alone in my by goals to work hard to build wealth.

I would like to match his salary in a joint account for our living expenses and keep the rest for myself. He says he is not opposed to this. Has anyone ever done anything like this? Is it very unreasonable of me to feel this way?

I’m hoping this can assuage my resentment. If I could go back I would marry someone with better aligned values, but I can’t go back in time. Marriage is otherwise decent.

We have a child with another on the way so I don’t want to frivolously divorce.

Every successful marriage I see, they have joint finances. Its "our money", not "my money" or "your money", no matter if both earn equally or theirs is a disparity. If you are into money, manage it yourself but no need to divide it. There is more to life than money.

I’d go even a bit further on this. I’m the scientist in our marriage and yes, it doesn’t pay as much as you can make in a for-profit, money/law/sales kind of job and it never can. But I work hard at it and we consider all our money as “ours” since we’re both contributing to the extent we are able. When you suggest keeping a separate account for “your” money, you’re saying that you don’t think he’s contributing equally. It’s not about how much money, it’s about recognizing the value of his time and effort. OP, you clearly don’t believe what your DH is contributing is a match for what you’re contributing. If you can measure that only in $ and not in time or work-life satisfaction, then that’s fine but you’ll have to recognize that you will either always be disappointed in him or you’ll feel compelled to divorce. You’re correct that this is about a values mismatch, but is it that he’s changed or that your values or only measured in cash?

Sounds like I struck a nerve. Good.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

That's quite unfair to tell OP that her divorce is necessary. While her marriage is not one of unconditional love, that doesn't mean it should be dissolved. There are plenty of marriages that exist for transactional or financial or socioeconomic reasons.

OP: you do you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

That's quite unfair to tell OP that her divorce is necessary. While her marriage is not one of unconditional love, that doesn't mean it should be dissolved. There are plenty of marriages that exist for transactional or financial or socioeconomic reasons.

OP: you do you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

I make anywhere from 5-7 times what my wife does, and I would never dream of doing this. Yes, I will provide the bulk of our retirement and college funds, and the bulk of our living expenses now. We're a team.

I truly cannot fathom your attitude, OP. Your feelings for your husband have been reduced to dollar signs. I would not view this as a frivolous or unnecessary divorce; I think it's completely necessary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This will not hold up in court.

Why are post-nups not enforceable? I see this comment a lot, just curious why a prenup is generally enforceable but a post-nup isn’t? Is it easier to claim it was signed under duress?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I call troll. If he's a PhD scientist then he's making at least $120k and so your making $360k. If you think that's insufficient for college, living expenses and retirement then why are you pregnant with a 2nd child?

I never said I don’t think our combined HHI (you are spot on, btw) is inadequate, but as we all know and lament, $240k is inadequate if your goal is 2 children and to pay for college and retirement in 2023.

I would love to work a job I liked better and that was less stressful and only make $120k, but it would mean making sacrifices I’m not willing to make (like not paying for college).

I feel my duty to provide for my family comes before my satisfaction in my career, and my husband does not.

And since I’m focused on earning, I’m going to be able to pay for college and then some, and I don’t feel like sharing the “and then some” with the person who put his passion above helping me provide for our kids if our marriage breaks down.

I won’t keep defending myself, but I’ll keep reading the other points of view and reflect on them.

Anonymous wrote:Imagine men marrying early, making her carry the burden of household and children while building their careers and then wanting a post nup when start earning big bucks.