Anonymous
09/02/2023 22:54
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Give him back his and remind him that yours too will be yours and yours alone.
Start over. Each of you contributes a decent percentage of your current income for household expenses and perks like family vacations. You want to make it a percentage that covers all the bills as well as builds up a little slush fund for things like repairs. Then the money that each of you has left is yours to do with as you see fit. That means he will have to start paying for his mother and brother out of his money. He’s quickly going to see how fast that dwindles down! Plus because his income is so much less than yours, you will have much more bonus money coming in.
Sounds like he just needs to see some logical consequences to his spending ideas.
Start over. Each of you contributes a decent percentage of your current income for household expenses and perks like family vacations. You want to make it a percentage that covers all the bills as well as builds up a little slush fund for things like repairs. Then the money that each of you has left is yours to do with as you see fit. That means he will have to start paying for his mother and brother out of his money. He’s quickly going to see how fast that dwindles down! Plus because his income is so much less than yours, you will have much more bonus money coming in.
Sounds like he just needs to see some logical consequences to his spending ideas.
Anonymous
09/02/2023 20:06
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does the budget need to loosen up if you really think you’re going to inherit that much money?
Sounds like money is a proxy for control over each other’s time.
Because I don’t expect to see all that money for 20 years and inheritance is never 100% assured. And college and money towards is mom/brother take up quite a bit of our current income - probably $2K or more month.
What is the situation with his brother, is he disabled or serving as a full time carer for your MIL? Is that a lifetime expense or what plan is in place?
His mom and brother both has a fairly severe disability and cannot work.
Honestly, I would take the mom and brother support out of the question. I think you have enough to discuss just about the inheritances and going back on an agreement. And yes, this is a relationship problem.
If I try to discuss these things he shuts down.
This is the heart of the problem. You need to fix this first and foremost.
After that and on a superficial level, I would say if he wants you to pay back $45k so that he is the sole recipient of his inheritance, then your inheritance becomes solely yours and will not be shared. This is not about exact dollar amounts. This is about respect, communication, equality, and everything that goes along with a healthy relationship. If he does not want to share, then he should not expect others to share with him. This is basic Kindergarten 101.
If they go down this road then OP also should get back her $80K inheritance which she already received and which they already spent. DH's thinking is just bonkers.
Anonymous
09/02/2023 12:39
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:OP here - first, we don’t take home 15K a month. The nature of his job means that he brings home a guaranteed $4k/month and I bring home a guaranteed $3845 per pp (so $8.3k/month). The rest is bonuses, which are not guaranteed (and because he isn’t working too hard at work, his bonuses are more iffy). Our mortgage is $4K. Also while we give $500 to his mother and bother, that will increase and we also pay for plane tickets and hotels for them to visit us 2-3x a year. Also again, we didn’t have these salaries most of our marriage. Historically we were probably right below $200k.
We have some fairly costly home maintenance project that we have to save for. We also need a new car.
The guys trips are long weeks, so plane ride, hotel, dinner and excursions. I think the last one was $1500.
I think a prior poster hit the nail on the head when she said one of my frustrations is that my H doesn’t see/understand our financial picture. He has Mint so he sees all our accounts, but he doesn’t get our in and out expenses. I have tried to show him everything and explain it but he just doesn’t get it. He literally told me if he won $1M he could retire tomorrow.
I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.
But again, it’s this sudden idea that he get his $45k back that frustrates me. He is obsessed with what money is his in the marriage and what is mine, even though his retirements accounts are higher than mine because he started maxing before me. And he doesn’t count all my parents gifts to us in his calculations.
I have not read the whole thread, but sounds like your husband is not financially responsible. The question is whether you can change him or you need to give him some limited financial freedom. I am in a similar boat. DH is a great father and husband, but he is very, very bad at financial planning. And he is going through a mid life crisis, and feels like he is losing his ability to make sound and logical financial decisions. Our current issue is that he wants to replace his car, which to me is totally unnecessary. You know what? I have decided to pick my battles and agreed to it. These episodes don’t happen often, and we can afford car replacement. If your family can afford 1500 dollar guy trip, just let him go. My experience is that in late 40s/early 50s, happy husband happy life.
Anonymous
09/02/2023 11:55
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does the budget need to loosen up if you really think you’re going to inherit that much money?
Sounds like money is a proxy for control over each other’s time.
Because I don’t expect to see all that money for 20 years and inheritance is never 100% assured. And college and money towards is mom/brother take up quite a bit of our current income - probably $2K or more month.
What is the situation with his brother, is he disabled or serving as a full time carer for your MIL? Is that a lifetime expense or what plan is in place?
His mom and brother both has a fairly severe disability and cannot work.
Honestly, I would take the mom and brother support out of the question. I think you have enough to discuss just about the inheritances and going back on an agreement. And yes, this is a relationship problem.
If I try to discuss these things he shuts down.
This is the heart of the problem. You need to fix this first and foremost.
After that and on a superficial level, I would say if he wants you to pay back $45k so that he is the sole recipient of his inheritance, then your inheritance becomes solely yours and will not be shared. This is not about exact dollar amounts. This is about respect, communication, equality, and everything that goes along with a healthy relationship. If he does not want to share, then he should not expect others to share with him. This is basic Kindergarten 101.
Anonymous
09/02/2023 02:06
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does the budget need to loosen up if you really think you’re going to inherit that much money?
Sounds like money is a proxy for control over each other’s time.
Because I don’t expect to see all that money for 20 years and inheritance is never 100% assured. And college and money towards is mom/brother take up quite a bit of our current income - probably $2K or more month.
What is the situation with his brother, is he disabled or serving as a full time carer for your MIL? Is that a lifetime expense or what plan is in place?
His mom and brother both has a fairly severe disability and cannot work.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 22:22
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wtf?
First, you give his family members 2k a month! That’s 24k per year! And he wants you to pay back a 45k inheritance he commingled?
Second, what about the 80k in gifts your parents gave you? Did you commingle that and if so then shouldn’t he pay you back?
What a dick. Tell him to get a better paying job if he wants to go on guy trips.
This
If those gifts were comingled and you split his lawyer will argue precedent and he will get more than you, half plus what they leave him. If you do not want to comingle you really need a few very expert legal opinions, not assumptions.
His family is getting $24,000/year but he slacked and cut his share of the income by 40%!!! OP is conservative with money, it does not seem like that cut was discussed and agreed to at the same time kids are in college. OP is trying hard to ignore the many, many red flags of things that have changed and is determined to believe she is in control, facts to the contrary.
His family is getting 6000/yr. OP said 500/mo to his family, 1500/mo to their kids' college tuition. That's why their budget is currently tight.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 22:16
Subject: Re:Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
I also think his focus on the boys weekends just makes part of me sad. The last time it came up, we were talking about him and I going away for a long weekend and things weren’t great at his job so we didn’t go. But a month later he wanted to fly to Portland for a guys weekend.
You guys sound disconnected and like you have fairly different values around money and leisure time. With empty nesting then retirement looming, it may be helpful to look for a counselor who helps couples with money differences and this life transition. I'm sorry you are feeling sad, I think you both need to invest more in your marriage - communication, intimacy, recent shared experiences, etc., not just have money be a primary tie. Would he be open to a counselor?
Anonymous
09/01/2023 22:06
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why does the budget need to loosen up if you really think you’re going to inherit that much money?
Sounds like money is a proxy for control over each other’s time.
Because I don’t expect to see all that money for 20 years and inheritance is never 100% assured. And college and money towards is mom/brother take up quite a bit of our current income - probably $2K or more month.
What is the situation with his brother, is he disabled or serving as a full time carer for your MIL? Is that a lifetime expense or what plan is in place?
Anonymous
09/01/2023 22:02
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
He's boxed you in a bit now re: your inheritance being separate, with your recent objection about his.
People hide affairs, it's not that hard. Sounds like by working so much less he has freed up a lot of time and he just tried to free up a big chunk of money.
Hope it all works out for you, OP.
People hide affairs, it's not that hard. Sounds like by working so much less he has freed up a lot of time and he just tried to free up a big chunk of money.
Hope it all works out for you, OP.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 21:26
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
^ oops, not WILL, COULD POSSIBLY
Anonymous
09/01/2023 21:26
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Wtf?
First, you give his family members 2k a month! That’s 24k per year! And he wants you to pay back a 45k inheritance he commingled?
Second, what about the 80k in gifts your parents gave you? Did you commingle that and if so then shouldn’t he pay you back?
What a dick. Tell him to get a better paying job if he wants to go on guy trips.
This
If those gifts were comingled and you split his lawyer will argue precedent and he will get more than you, half plus what they leave him. If you do not want to comingle you really need a few very expert legal opinions, not assumptions.
His family is getting $24,000/year but he slacked and cut his share of the income by 40%!!! OP is conservative with money, it does not seem like that cut was discussed and agreed to at the same time kids are in college. OP is trying hard to ignore the many, many red flags of things that have changed and is determined to believe she is in control, facts to the contrary.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 21:24
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
OP talk to a relationship counselor, not DCUM.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 21:22
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:OP - my parents has a financial advisor and two attorneys (one estate, one business).
Definitely no affair. Really. I check our credit reports every 6 months, with his knowledge, and we can track each others locations (whole family is on find my iPhone).
When I spoke of in state tuition, it simply meant that we’ve saved in a 529 but are also cycling through through the 529 for the tax write off but paying for expenses immediately.
Also, again, any inheritance isn’t likely for a long time. Maybe 20 years? I mean, it could happen earlier but that would be devastating. And just not super likely.
THEY had advice, but if you don't intend to comingle, did their advisors advise YOU on how to prevent that in your jurisdiction? Using it for family expenses may make it considered a marital asset regardless of your intent. In that case he'd get half of it plus $200,000 if you split. Have you shared the intent to perhaps not to comingle with your DH? What was his reaction?
Again, I hope you stay happily married and your parents live long lives, but you make a LOT of assumptions about your control and your marriage that may well not prove true. His history, his disinvestment in the family by drastically cutting his income, the amount of money at stake, lots of red flags but you blithely dismiss all.
His needy relatives/work shy adult brother, kids in college, retirement looming, and he cuts his share of the family income by 40%! and talks about winning lotto? Very odd behavior from a man 100% committed to the welfare of his family and not much of a work ethic. And when you talk about "our" financial goals I guess you mean yours and the FA because your DH is not on the same page. Even the language you use indicates denial. I think you may well have a feeling of unease that you are trying to ignore.
Anonymous
09/01/2023 21:17
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Wtf?
First, you give his family members 2k a month! That’s 24k per year! And he wants you to pay back a 45k inheritance he commingled?
Second, what about the 80k in gifts your parents gave you? Did you commingle that and if so then shouldn’t he pay you back?
What a dick. Tell him to get a better paying job if he wants to go on guy trips.
This
Anonymous
09/01/2023 21:13
Subject: Not sure if this is a money question or relationship question.
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Everyone I know who married a man whose father had walked out have ALL ended up divorced, no matter how much they swore they would never be like Dad. In his mind if your kids are grown, he is not doing the same thing.
Wake up and smell the coffee, OP. He is less and less invested in the family, earning dramatically less, while wanting $ to go to support his family and his trips. He is a taker and you and your parents have enabled him.
If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.
How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?
And why do you talk about "our" vs. "his" financial plans. There is no "our."
+1 The part that I don't understand is why her parents are leaving $200K directly to OP's husband. If they're staying married, then just leave it to OP. Plus he's visiting OP's dad for 2 hours per week in exchange for hundreds of thousands per year to support his family and his hobbies, plus $200K directly to him when OP's parents die. He's not visiting some poor relation out of altruism. It's really weird for OP's parents to leave the money to the SIL. This whole situation is very fishy.
The $200k thing happened recently. We’ve been married for 20 years and he has done a ton for my parents throughout the marriage. They love him like a son.
While I would use my inheritance to our family’s benefit, I never said we would commingle all my inheritance. I am not sure where you and PP got that idea, but it’s crappy to be disparaging when you lack reading comprehension.
No one assumed that you're commingling your inheritance. It's just really weird for your parents to leave money directly to your husband. Stop getting so defensive and try to see that many posters are trying to help you recognize some really messed up behaviors that you've been tolerating. No matter how you slice it, your husband is treating you very badly. Don't post if you don't want to hear it.
The PPs said just that.
“If you are still married after you inherit and comingle funds, I for one will be SHOCKED. He does not love you, he uses you and your parents for cash. After they die he can get 1/2 if comingled and his freedom. If they said they were leaving it all to ASPCA he'd leave sooner.
How did your parents get to be so wealthy while being so naive?”
PP, and OP: if you can name a context in which the word “commingling” is on the mind of someone not planning to be divorced, I’d be surprised.
So this is also a big ruse to get 1/2 of a multimillion dollar inheritance at age 65-70 after 35-40 years of marriage?
Why do YOU think someone would be seeking to reverse a commingling?
Unlikely that years 1-30 were a ruse, but who knows about the recent ones. That’s sometimes how ruses go.
Sad, but true. I was shocked when it happened to me and there were not staggering sums of $ involved.