Anonymous wrote:OP overreacted. Yea, her mom sounds crazy but OP overreacted.

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

+1000 to everything in this post.

I wish I'd read that book or just understood this before I had a child. I got walked all over by my family in the month after having my baby and did in fact wind up with PPD and just had a fairly miserable first year as a mom because not only did I not get the support I needed in that time, but I was consistently made to feel guilty for having any needs at all during that time.

If I had it to do over again, I would have hired a post-partum doula and would have told family we would not be hosting or visiting for 6 weeks after the baby was born. Yes, 6 weeks. It's what I needed and it's pretty common globally.

Anonymous wrote:OP, order the First Forty Days by Heng Ou and have you DH read it now to help you maintain healthy boundaries with family and friends, and also to just validate your instincts. You can read a paragraph here or there when you have 1 minute. It will help you feel better and know that there are millions of people out there that validate, support and agree with you.

Your mom was in the wrong. At the very least she had poor communication and timing. She should have consulted you before inviting people to your house at any point in time, and especially during your acute postpartum period.

She was rude and caught off guard so because defensive. I believe she didn’t mean any harm but her lack of empathy and doubling down when things did not go well makes me think she has an issue with defensiveness.

I would stop focusing on her for now and take this time to really care for yourself and baby. Do all you can to make things easier for yourself.

There is a reason why PPD and PPA in this country is embarrassingly high for a developed and wealthy nation. It’s not hormones either. It’s because we have terrible social systems and social expectations of new moms that leave them feeling overwhelmed, anxious, guilty, and isolated.

It’s been this way for a few generations in the US now and many older women who could be there to support and mother the new mom are instead unconsciously engrained with internalized misogynistic attitudes towards women who want more care or support. There is the underlying belief of “grow up, if I did it you can too, how spoiled of you”. They are wrong.

Across the world and for longer than recent modern times the passage into motherhood has been a revered time where the mothers nourishment and recovery and rest are of the utmost importance. This country does not support or believe that but many many women in this country do. Find your tribe and prioritize yourself so you can care for your baby and your family and don’t end up with severe PPD or PPA 6 months from now.

I wish you the very best. Your mom sounds like she is not someone who is best suited to care for you right now despite her good intentions. I’m sure she is a lovely person but that doesn’t mean she is a good fit for your needs right now.

Anonymous wrote:She just wanted a ride to the airport. Did you talk about it in advance? She probably didn’t want to take Uber or at least to pay for it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you know she was leaving? Had you talked about plans to get her to the airport?

I think she's way overreacting, and her email is really harsh. It sounds as though she asked this uncle (her half sibling?) to pick her up for the airport, and uncle brought people, and then she invited them in to see the baby. Which isn't great, but it's also different, in my mind, from planning some kind of social gathering.

I understand your reaction, but I probably would have had DH take the baby out by the front door for a moment so they could have a glance or something, and then be glad that she's going and you have some privacy.

Op they came with a gift and drove over an hour to come get her so I think it was a social visit under the guise of a ride to the airport. She never discussed the airport plans with my but my husband could have taken her or usually she hires this airport driver guy who is great. So I feel like the ride to the airport is an excuse

Anonymous wrote:I just had a baby five days ago. My mom has been over helping. Been in a haze with no sleep etc. she then tells me that my uncle and his two toddlers and uncles mom (not my grandma) are coming over to meet the baby and drive her to the airport and they are on their way. My house is a mess and I’m not close with my uncle and am still wearing the hospital diaper. I said no, tell them not to come please, I am not ready for visitors. Well it was too late. They show up completely oblivious that I didn’t invite them. I come out crying saying I can’t believe my mother did this. They apologized and felt embarrassed and left. Now my mother is criticizing me saying that as a parent I need to be able to roll with the punches more and a baby is no excuse for embarrassing manners, life won’t always be on my terms and I have to behave appropriately when they aren’t. Can you tell me if I’m in the wrong here? I’m too exhausted for clarity

Anonymous wrote:You are NOT wrong and you handled it beautifully. Maybe write a note to your uncle apologizing for the tears, saying you were caught off guard and look forward to welcoming them another time. They will understand. You don’t have to ge into blaming your mother - they already know.

Anonymous wrote:Who cares what your house looks like? The most important thing right now is your baby, not your house. But really, your baby is highly unlikely to die from a quick visit from relatives- just keep it quick if you are worried, and be honest with them and say you are worried about your baby catching germs while he or she is so new, and then after a quick peek from a 6 foot distance, you can whisk her away to safety. Maybe your Mom shouldn't have invited people over without running it by you first, but your reaction was way out of line, veering into Crazy Town. You can't freak out over every misstep people take around your baby, because there will be a ton of them. I imagine you are super embarrassed about the scene you caused, and looking for justification. Do you want us all to say your Mom is the worst monster in the world for doing this? She's really not.