Anonymous wrote:I actually don't think what you said was that horrible, in light of what she'd been saying to you. I had a difficult relationship with my mom and would never in a million years dream of saying what she did to you. She needs to cool down and reflect on what she said/did. You both could use some distance and cooling off.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art clahisses, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.

Not OP but shut up. Most mental illness is just genetic.

It certainly is not. Where on earth did you get that from?

Anonymous wrote:You need to ask her to find new living arrangements.

Anonymous wrote:I would do nothing. She sounds like a brat and owes you an apology. She is an adult and needs to learn she cannot insult others without receiving similar criticism.

Anonymous wrote:TikTok has created a generation that thinks being parented is “trauma.” I cannot wait until they have teens if their own.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art clahisses, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.

Not OP but shut up. Most mental illness is just genetic.

Anonymous wrote:I think I do want distance. You can only be told you are a horrible person and blamed for everything for so long. The stress possibly contributed to me having a TIA.

She doesn’t live with us but even though she hates us she comes home for periods of time. I think she wants us to tell her not to come home — like she is pushing and pushing to see how far she can until we snap.

I guess I felt bad especially because I do think she has issues and the way to deal with it is not to use it as a weapon, which I did not intend. I messed up but saying it like I did.

I have mentioned things to her before during calm periods about how it might be good to talk to someone or see a doctor for input. She always gets angry and shuts down the convo. I never used the words mentally ill.

I just feel terrible about my reaction and the “look in the mirror” comment. It is just a horrible thing to say. I did. apologize but I think I permanently changed our relationship, I saw something in her eyes.

And bashers feel free. There is nothing you could say to make me feel more horrible than I already do. And some of you are likely right.

We are not a household or just material things though. We spend time with the kids, show up for every event, host their friends, help out at school. Our other kids are very open with us and come to us with their problems and we help them.

DD is different, to my knowledge nothing happened like a traumatic event to put her on this path.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DD said string of horrible, insulting things. Ignored ignored ignored until she said I was mentally ill, was so angry at the tirade of insults without thinking I said “how about you look in the mirror”

Yes I know I am horrible. I did say I shouldn’t have said that.

I think our relationship is just done, maybe one day it will be better but maybe not. I have to stop caring and go on with my life. If she hates me she hates me.

She is 22, not living with us. Says she wants nothing to do with us.

She had what I thought was a good childhood - family trips, summers in a cabin away from constant electronics, soccer, art classes, flute, parents who were around and engaged and cared, involved in school etc.

I don’t know what we did.

She probably does have issues, OP. The fact that they likely stem from you is evident from your complete unwillingness to acknowledge that some of what she says might actually be true. If all you hear are unjustified insults, you are entirely lacking in insight. Most parents hurt their kids, even if unwittingly. Your refusal to even open your mind to the possibility that you’ve hurt her reveals a great deal about the kind of parent you were.

Sorry, family vacations and material things don’t do squat to alleviate emotional neglect or harm. Ask Paris Hilton. Ask any rich kid whose parents thought if things looked right on the surface and their kid had no material wants then they were doing it right. Often the parents who can do the most materially for their kids do the least in providing real emotional support and encouragement to the same kids. But kids’ developing brains need emotional security, not stuff. Kids are not capable of making the leap that all the stuff you buy them and vacations you take them on are proof of love. To kids all that matters is how you are accepting or rejecting them, whether you are really there for them or wrapped up in your own crap like so many parents are.