Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Yesterday I got access to one of my retirement accounts online.
Today I requested an HSA debit card & got access to my other retirement account online. This all took 40 minutes today (no exaggeration), which is no excuse but I guess why it was easier to put it off. Overall I will say it is worth the time.

Tomorrow I will try to access my student loan balance online and go from there.

Thanks again!

I'm chiming in again, I tried to think more about your question of "how do you have your act together."

It's a decision to prioritize. I also have kids in swim, like you do. How many hours did you spend learning about the different clubs and age groups and options? And what did you say, else, dance? OMG, that's a commitment for support.

It's just a choice we make, what we take seriously and what we ignore.

I agree!! Starting yesterday I decided to make this a priority. Thank you all <3. Seriously.

Anonymous wrote:Has this been covered: OP, why are you paying $1600 extra on your mortgage, which I'm guessing has an interest rate of around 3%, when you still have student loans, which would probably have an interest rate of more like 6%?

You are good - you nailed the interest rates!
I think where this conversation is going is that my student loans will be paid off sooner than later. This morning he finally said [that after thinking about it for 10 years] he decided to put money in market funds making 4-5%. But I am thinking OK - that’s still less than the 6% on the student loans. But fine -makes sense to not pay off the car loans at 3% and also doesn’t make sense to pay off mortgage at 3%. It seems he has some irrational desire to pay off the house just to feel like that is some weight off or something. I am now working to access and understand all of the accounts and really have a talk with him about it all after having been checked out on finances since circa 2009.

I remember the exact moment. I had a newborn and I got a late fee on whatever childbirth fees there were from my OB / gyn because I wasn’t opening my mail because I was overwhelmed with a newborn and he wasn’t opening my mail because it was addressed to me. I finally opened it and saw the late fee and said - this is it - you are in charge of finances and any bills I get in my name you have to pay. And he just said ok and we haven’t had a late fee since but maybe we should have had some other talks sooner.

Also, both of your names should be on all bank accounts.

Has this been covered: OP, why are you paying $1600 extra on your mortgage, which I'm guessing has an interest rate of around 3%, when you still have student loans, which would probably have an interest rate of more like 6%?

Anonymous wrote:OP here:

Yesterday I got access to one of my retirement accounts online.
Today I requested an HSA debit card & got access to my other retirement account online. This all took 40 minutes today (no exaggeration), which is no excuse but I guess why it was easier to put it off. Overall I will say it is worth the time.

Tomorrow I will try to access my student loan balance online and go from there.

Thanks again!

I'm chiming in again, I tried to think more about your question of "how do you have your act together."

It's a decision to prioritize. I also have kids in swim, like you do. How many hours did you spend learning about the different clubs and age groups and options? And what did you say, else, dance? OMG, that's a commitment for support.

It's just a choice we make, what we take seriously and what we ignore.

You’re getting there, op. I agree your dh is not likely pulling some con. He just sounds exceptionally risk-averse and you two have been muddling through your finances and making piecemeal decisions without ever stepping back and taking a look at the big picture.

I’m the pp who recommended Monarch Money. I started several years ago with Personal Capital (now Empower), but my bank no longer connects to them, so I switched to Monarch and it’s working well. You need to be able to see the big picture about your money.

OP here:

Yesterday I got access to one of my retirement accounts online.
Today I requested an HSA debit card & got access to my other retirement account online. This all took 40 minutes today (no exaggeration), which is no excuse but I guess why it was easier to put it off. Overall I will say it is worth the time.

Tomorrow I will try to access my student loan balance online and go from there.

Thanks again!

Anonymous wrote:OP again - everyone is being very helpful. What is a normal amount of cash to have in your bank checking? I probably have a higher amount (but dwindling). For example would you balk at $50K. What do you all have?

In your checking??? Why? It's not gaining interest there.

Checking should be enough for monthly bills and a little extra.

Then have an immediate savings account for longer term expenses like home repairs, emergency fund, vacations, etc.

HYSA (High Yield Savings Account) for larger savings ($10k+)

Anonymous wrote:Here are kids activity expenses which I guess you can tell me is crazy and you all don’t spend this much for kids activities.

Kid 1: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $200 each fall and spring for rec sport. (May not continue swimming next year for interest reasons)
Kid 2: $275/mo. swim, plus appx. $1000 each fall & spring for travel sport (but seriously considering switching back to rec only next season for not being worth it for talent reasons)
Kid 3: $300/mo. dance; $160 mo. gymnastics

There is also an $50/mo. instrument rental for a kid.

This is obscene when the cars aren't paid off.

There are much cheaper hobbies.

I’d lower that $1600 toward the house. But, that’s me.

You can use county offerings for kids activities. City and County camps are sometimes also really well priced.

Do the date nights. Like once every other month. Just go places that aren’t expensive. See if you can swap childcare with a friend.

Travel points!!!! Get a card and put everything on it and then pay that card off each month.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are two concrete things that have happened.

1) oldest kid got asked his intention for an activity for next year and he asked me what I thought and I said - well let’s talk realistically about your schedule next year. Are you going to move to swim 5 days a week (his only option next year at his current club) and he said no, he’d rather switch to a cheap summer pool 1 day a week winter option.

2) I decided to learn my various login / passwords starting with one account a day. 3 codes and 1 password change later I logged into some savings account that had 2 retirement accounts and a health savings account with $1000. And I said to my husband - what is this health savings account and he said - we can call the bank and find out how we can spend that on healthcare expenses. And I said yes, let’s do that.

I could tell you the retirement account total there but I know that’s not the end of the retirement money question. We have more accounts somewhere.

You get a debit card to that account and you pay your qualified health expenses (provider bills, prescriptions, etc.) from that account. The money goes into that account before taxes, and it is not taxed when you pay it out. So it’s like a 25% or so discount on all your health costs.

What do you two do for your jobs, honestly?

I’m going to call that bank today. Without divulging too much info I feel like I do what most people on this board do. He is a teacher for one job (that’s the salary that gets deposited into my account with most going to retirement and his side hustle that used to be his full time job but now is nights / weekends / summers is too esoteric to get into and anyone who knows us would know this is me LOL).

I got married in 2006 (age 25), had my first kid in 2009 while in grad school and I actually didn’t graduate / start earning money until 2011. At which time I was trying to juggle working and 1.5 year old. Then I subsequently had 2 more kids and I’ve basically been in survival mode since then. I might have thought I would get my act together once the youngest turned 5 but then the pandemic happened and I’m only just now recovering from 3 ES kids in virtual school for that year (6th, 3rd and K). I literally may never recover from that year. So this is my excuse for not having my act together. How do you all have your acts together???

I also try to exercise, spend time with family and friends, volunteer for the kids’ things, and also try to declutter the house from the past 10 years in my spare time. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong ?!? Lol.

You're remarkably candid and self-deprecating. You take a lot of criticism in good-humored stride, and I'm admiring that at the same time I've been a little bit incredulous at this whole situation. (I was the one who asked what you do for a living.)

We're the same age, I also have three kids, but they're a bit older than yours. You asked how we have our act together. The only answer I can think of is just that finances are something we were taught, and knew to pay attention to because it was important. We got an earlier start than you guys did earning and investing. We don't do anything complicated, it's all mostly on autopilot. Every month, money goes into stock index funds and in most years it grows and compounds. When I changed to a job that offered HSAs, I learned how they work because it's a way to save a lot of money on taxes. But a big difference is that, within a week of returning from our honeymoon, we combined all our accounts.

It sounds like you're probably in decent shape. It sounds like your DH, at least, has been putting aside a lot of money to retirement accounts. The remaining balance on your mortgage is less than half of your annual household income.

You guys are doing great, I suspect. You just need to get it simplified, keep track of it, make sure your each other's beneficiaries, start balancing out the retirement accounts if they're super lopsided (although his is still yours, and vice versa...). And yeah, get on a simple system where you're tracking how much you're spending, probably cutting back on activities.

Keep doing what you're doing in getting it straightened out.

You bring 2/3 of the HHI. You give him the money and he decides how much money should go to your account.
He takes half of his salary and put it into his own retirement account while you pay for all household expenses.
You have student loans, you bring most of the income, but he is the one deciding that you are not going to pay it off.
He decides to use the money to make extra payments to your low interest rate mortgage.
Your response is that you don’t care because what’s yours is his.
Your are either a troll or very naive.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here are two concrete things that have happened.

1) oldest kid got asked his intention for an activity for next year and he asked me what I thought and I said - well let’s talk realistically about your schedule next year. Are you going to move to swim 5 days a week (his only option next year at his current club) and he said no, he’d rather switch to a cheap summer pool 1 day a week winter option.

2) I decided to learn my various login / passwords starting with one account a day. 3 codes and 1 password change later I logged into some savings account that had 2 retirement accounts and a health savings account with $1000. And I said to my husband - what is this health savings account and he said - we can call the bank and find out how we can spend that on healthcare expenses. And I said yes, let’s do that.

I could tell you the retirement account total there but I know that’s not the end of the retirement money question. We have more accounts somewhere.

You get a debit card to that account and you pay your qualified health expenses (provider bills, prescriptions, etc.) from that account. The money goes into that account before taxes, and it is not taxed when you pay it out. So it’s like a 25% or so discount on all your health costs.

What do you two do for your jobs, honestly?

I’m going to call that bank today. Without divulging too much info I feel like I do what most people on this board do. He is a teacher for one job (that’s the salary that gets deposited into my account with most going to retirement and his side hustle that used to be his full time job but now is nights / weekends / summers is too esoteric to get into and anyone who knows us would know this is me LOL).

I got married in 2006 (age 25), had my first kid in 2009 while in grad school and I actually didn’t graduate / start earning money until 2011. At which time I was trying to juggle working and 1.5 year old. Then I subsequently had 2 more kids and I’ve basically been in survival mode since then. I might have thought I would get my act together once the youngest turned 5 but then the pandemic happened and I’m only just now recovering from 3 ES kids in virtual school for that year (6th, 3rd and K). I literally may never recover from that year. So this is my excuse for not having my act together. How do you all have your acts together???

I also try to exercise, spend time with family and friends, volunteer for the kids’ things, and also try to declutter the house from the past 10 years in my spare time. Maybe I’m doing it all wrong ?!? Lol.

Anonymous wrote:OP here - I really think he thinks he’s saving the money for us and not a long divorce con (but I should probably try to have some protection for myself in any event). And that he thinks he should save it because he thinks the more money I have in my account - the more I would think I have to spend on Botox and trips. (Botox is something I might like to do if I felt like I could afford it )

On my student loans - he probably originally had some lofty idea that he would invest the money in something earning more than 6% and then got too risk averse to ever do it.

He would rather save all our money and not spend but I guess at some point I said something to the effect of I’m not going to work and not spend any money and he gave up on saving my salary and instead saves his. This is really working my memory bank but I think he used to put more money in “my” account and then we got lazy after I could cover the expenses alone except now I’m starting to complain that I’m dwindling the account. He did put $15K in to cover the extra mortgage payment after I complained about that. I guess $19,200 total would cover it for the year and I think he would put that in - no questions asked. So I’ll ask.

He doesn’t think I’m actually dumb - if I had something insightful to say about finances - he would listen / consider. He think it’s dumb that I can’t access any of my accounts or know what’s in them. I think it exasperates him but he’s also not really complaining that he is in charge LOL.

Ok, so you need to find out the following:
1) where and how much is he actually saving? He can't save $75k annually in retirement accounts.
2) Why do you think you're draining "your" account? Those are monthly bills and you get paid monthly or bi-weekly, right? So every month you get paid and every month, you make the payments and then you get paid again and the cycle starts over. What is draining your account?
3) Why do you think you need $50k in a checking account? A checking account is constantly being drained and re-filled (see above). You use High Interest Savings Accounts or Money Market accounts to park $50k that you don't want to touch or rarely touch.
4) Where is the debit card for that health insurance account and why haven't you guys been using it? You may need to go through your HR to get a new one.
5) Is this really the best organization system for your money? Several different accounts that nobody buy him has access to and a few accounts that you can access but don't know how??

I'm glad you're working through this process OP. You all should thank your lucky stars that nothing horrible happened to either of you before you figure these things out.

OP here - I really think he thinks he’s saving the money for us and not a long divorce con (but I should probably try to have some protection for myself in any event). And that he thinks he should save it because he thinks the more money I have in my account - the more I would think I have to spend on Botox and trips. (Botox is something I might like to do if I felt like I could afford it )

On my student loans - he probably originally had some lofty idea that he would invest the money in something earning more than 6% and then got too risk averse to ever do it.

He would rather save all our money and not spend but I guess at some point I said something to the effect of I’m not going to work and not spend any money and he gave up on saving my salary and instead saves his. This is really working my memory bank but I think he used to put more money in “my” account and then we got lazy after I could cover the expenses alone except now I’m starting to complain that I’m dwindling the account. He did put $15K in to cover the extra mortgage payment after I complained about that. I guess $19,200 total would cover it for the year and I think he would put that in - no questions asked. So I’ll ask.

He doesn’t think I’m actually dumb - if I had something insightful to say about finances - he would listen / consider. He think it’s dumb that I can’t access any of my accounts or know what’s in them. I think it exasperates him but he’s also not really complaining that he is in charge LOL.