Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of it…until a year ago, when I found a sport I enjoyed outside of the house. We joined a club, and now my husband is in charge of the kids 3x a week and I play said sport for 2 hours. It has done wonders for me and my relationship with my whole family. Sure, I had friends I would text and do girls outings with occassionally, but having a set thing I do several times a week at a time that is not 4:30 AM on my Peloton has been life changing.

What is the sport? Looking for ideas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

I agree with you and I think this was one of the PP’s mistakes. If she’d said “I think it’s valuable to have a life outside your kids, whether that’s a hobby, friendships, alone time or all of the above,” I don’t think there would have been push back.

But phrasing it as “you must have a full life outside your kids” and then focusing on stuff like kid-free travel, lots of date nights, etc., just made it sound like an out of touch rich person. Any parent can carve out space for themselves, even if it’s just treating yourself to a good book after the kids go to bed or taking an online class or trading playdates with another parent so you can exercise or see a movie. But the vast majority of parents can’t do kid-free travel or hire a sitter multiple nights a week. Some can’t even get their spouse to take the kids for the night (long hours or they are a single parent or their spouse is just a selfish jerk). But anyone can read a book or adopt a hobby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

+1

I think some of this is semantics, though. When I read "full, enriching life outside of kids," what that means to me is that you have other things in your life that are as rewarding and time consuming as parenting. That seems impossible, since parenting is both unbelievably time consuming (even with one kid, even with help, even with money) and I have found there are very few things in life as gratifying and rewarding on a profound level. Like yeah, I read books and have friends and have a couple hobbies, but do these things provide me with a deep sense of meaning and purpose the way parenting does? No.

So yes, I'm on board with parents having an identity outside of their kids. For themselves and for their kids, actually -- I think it's good for kids to see their parents living rich lives and taking care of themselves and also to not always be the center of their parents' attention at all times. But the idea of a "full" life outside your kids, assuming your kids are under age 15 or so, seems like an extremely high bar that would necessarily mean neglecting parenting to some degree.

I have a very good life and I think balanced life, but if my kid was suddenly missing from it, the sense of loss would be complete. Nothing I do matters as much to me. I know one day I will need to fill my life in a different way and I want to remember that, but for this season of life, my kid sits squarely on the front burner and that's where my focus is.

This is exactly how I feel. I also have a very nice life, but nothing is as important as much children.

I agree that nothing in my life is as important as my kids, but I also think having a full, enriching life outside of them can be done by meaningful work, adult friendships, and a hobby or two about which you’re passionate but don’t require a ton of time (e.g., not Ironman triathlons). That I care deeply about my career focus is likely a big part of feeling that sense of fulfillment - and I’m fortunate that I can do what I think is meaningful work in ~40 hours/week. My kids are absolutely on the front burner right now, and I also have things I love and can do mostly in the time they’re sleeping or in school.

Ultimately, I want to cherish this season of life while still not being so immersed in child-rearing that I’m crushed when they don’t attend HYPS, or whatever. I want to be able to be a supportive parent to my adult kids and loving grandparent, when that time hopefully comes, not be so drained from intensive parenting that I do a 180 and focus solely on myself. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, right?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

That’s just nonsense. You don’t need to be jetting off to Tahiti kid free to have a full and enriching life. For example a woman who plays an instrument for pleasure, volunteers every other Sunday at a food kitchen and goes to a monthly book club with her girlfriends to chat about books and drink some wine could easily see her life as full and enriching, and that in no way takes away from her as a mom. It may require a supportive spouse but it doesn’t require wealth.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All of it…until a year ago, when I found a sport I enjoyed outside of the house. We joined a club, and now my husband is in charge of the kids 3x a week and I play said sport for 2 hours. It has done wonders for me and my relationship with my whole family. Sure, I had friends I would text and do girls outings with occassionally, but having a set thing I do several times a week at a time that is not 4:30 AM on my Peloton has been life changing.

What is the sport? Looking for ideas.

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

Anonymous wrote:Less than a generation ago adults could still be adults

Reject the parenting arms race and take your life back

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:SAHM, but pretty much all. Cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping during the day, and homework in the afternoons then we are often at games or practices until 9:30 at night.

BS. You are not spending SIX HOURS every day cooking cleaning and laundry while kids are in school.

You certainly have leisure time in there, maybe yoga class or gym time?

DP here. You hit the nail on the head, pp!

Yes, most SAHMs have a great life especially in DMV. Usually they are in UMC or wealthy houeholds and their paychecks are not needed for a good lifestyle. They can outsource a lot of stuff and create time for leisure and opportunities for their families.

I am a SAHM with twice a week cleaning help. My DH also helps at home with cooking and anything that needs doing, though he is happy that I am able to outsource most chores and he and kids return to a smooth running and stressfree home. A lot of my time when kids are in school, goes in research and prep to accelerate and expand my kids educational and EC opportunities. Everything gets done with an eye towards their mental, physical and emotional wellbeing. The research, planning and execution takes up quite a bit of my time.

we also have a very busy social life and entertain a lot. It helps to socialize my kids so that they are surrounded by family, friends neighbors etc and they learn how to host and form connections. Our focus is on family time and I make sure that most of the household chores and errands are done before the kids come home. we get leisure time as a family. I am not seeking solo leisure time.

So which educational and extracurricular activities are your kids signed up for? Just curious if I was able to do they same thing for my kids, which also having a full time job.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

+1

I think some of this is semantics, though. When I read "full, enriching life outside of kids," what that means to me is that you have other things in your life that are as rewarding and time consuming as parenting. That seems impossible, since parenting is both unbelievably time consuming (even with one kid, even with help, even with money) and I have found there are very few things in life as gratifying and rewarding on a profound level. Like yeah, I read books and have friends and have a couple hobbies, but do these things provide me with a deep sense of meaning and purpose the way parenting does? No.

So yes, I'm on board with parents having an identity outside of their kids. For themselves and for their kids, actually -- I think it's good for kids to see their parents living rich lives and taking care of themselves and also to not always be the center of their parents' attention at all times. But the idea of a "full" life outside your kids, assuming your kids are under age 15 or so, seems like an extremely high bar that would necessarily mean neglecting parenting to some degree.

I have a very good life and I think balanced life, but if my kid was suddenly missing from it, the sense of loss would be complete. Nothing I do matters as much to me. I know one day I will need to fill my life in a different way and I want to remember that, but for this season of life, my kid sits squarely on the front burner and that's where my focus is.

This is exactly how I feel. I also have a very nice life, but nothing is as important as much children.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have a full, enriching life outside of your kids, you are either a negligent parent or a rich one (or both).

+1

I think some of this is semantics, though. When I read "full, enriching life outside of kids," what that means to me is that you have other things in your life that are as rewarding and time consuming as parenting. That seems impossible, since parenting is both unbelievably time consuming (even with one kid, even with help, even with money) and I have found there are very few things in life as gratifying and rewarding on a profound level. Like yeah, I read books and have friends and have a couple hobbies, but do these things provide me with a deep sense of meaning and purpose the way parenting does? No.

So yes, I'm on board with parents having an identity outside of their kids. For themselves and for their kids, actually -- I think it's good for kids to see their parents living rich lives and taking care of themselves and also to not always be the center of their parents' attention at all times. But the idea of a "full" life outside your kids, assuming your kids are under age 15 or so, seems like an extremely high bar that would necessarily mean neglecting parenting to some degree.

I have a very good life and I think balanced life, but if my kid was suddenly missing from it, the sense of loss would be complete. Nothing I do matters as much to me. I know one day I will need to fill my life in a different way and I want to remember that, but for this season of life, my kid sits squarely on the front burner and that's where my focus is.