OP, my FIL attacked me (verbally, not physically) and my husband 100% had my back. I honestly don't know what I would have done had he not, so I feel your pain.

This doesn't seem like something that should come up often though, right? So even though it has happened twice in 15 years, it may never happen again. Is there something else about him being a wimp that bothers you? Something that happens more frequently?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

You may be in the right on both of these issues, but from my perspective you've set up a dynamic here where he has to prove his loyalty by jumping in on your behalf. It may be that he just has a really different perspective. My spouse and I have a similar dynamic. I try to live drama free and with good intent so if someone is nasty to me is catches me by surprise. I would not tend to yell or attack back because to me that's a loss of control and that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I would talk to the person afterward in private and offer support to a spouse in the same way.

I think you should take stock of the good and work on the bad, but don't expect that everyone is going to react how you think they should react. That's not realistic.

I think you're missing that MIL and the friend were only nasty to OP, not her husband, even though these were decisions they made together. Would you really stand by smiling weakly while someone tears the person you're supposed to love most in the world a new one? That's piss-poor partnering, in my books. I'd feel unsupported and resentful, and the marriage likely wouldn't last. Weak sauce.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How would your life improve post-divorce?

The sex will be even better with a less wimpy man. Trust me.

No one is running out to have hot sex with a single mother of four. Hit it and quit it at best

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Omg this thread is getting detailed quickly! I am not the bless your heart person! Lol! Dcum is hilarious


Honestly looking for advice. I know you people love to tear down and criticize, but the truth of these conflicts is that i take the masculine role of defending our family and I find it unsexy and demoralizing and lonely. I wonder if it would be better to be divorced rather than have to continue on this way.

Thanks for the real advice. It’s appreciated!

A few things:

- these are pretty normal fights
- "viscously attached" is a huge, dramatic exaggeration that will not get you taken seriously; it's bad enough for MIL to be rude or a friend to yell at you, but exaggerating is not necessary and makes you look silly
- your gender role issues are your issues: your DH doesn't owe you sexy protection because he's a man

You sound like a person with some normal occasional interpersonal challenges who is dramatic and petty and therefore these things get out of hand. That's just as much on you as it is your husband. More so, even.

Divorce is a very very odd place to jump in reaction to these things.

Viscously attached is pretty different from viciously attacked. Hard to take anything you say too seriously when you're bordering on illiterate.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I imagine the Jewish comment was deleted by the moderators. Good job, guys (or girls).

The point of dcum is to get unvarnished truths

Unfortunately too many people can’t handle that and need to be protected

Simmer down, Eichmann.

Anonymous wrote:How would your life improve post-divorce?

The sex will be even better with a less wimpy man. Trust me.

Tell us the real reason you want to get divorced, not this over the top retelling of what is probably not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.

Of course. You can divorce for any reason including boredom or falling out of love. You don’t need to justify your reasoning to anyone.

Anonymous wrote:Op again- the friend issue is easily identifiable if he reads this so I don’t want to give as much detail, but basically was a close friends surprising and verbally aggressive attack toward me for feeling slighted from an event. Both my husband and I were at fault for the perceived slight, but the friend chose me to attack and my husband threw me under the bus and let me take the heat. He was present when it occurred.

You may be in the right on both of these issues, but from my perspective you've set up a dynamic here where he has to prove his loyalty by jumping in on your behalf. It may be that he just has a really different perspective. My spouse and I have a similar dynamic. I try to live drama free and with good intent so if someone is nasty to me is catches me by surprise. I would not tend to yell or attack back because to me that's a loss of control and that makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I would talk to the person afterward in private and offer support to a spouse in the same way.

I think you should take stock of the good and work on the bad, but don't expect that everyone is going to react how you think they should react. That's not realistic.

One thing of try to keep in mind — as a woman with a reasonably conflict avoidant husband — is that I also benefit from this. He doesn’t turn everything I do that is annoying into a big fight. Now, I do think someone who pathologically avoids conflict is a problem. But my husband being more easygoing than me is something that likely makes my life easier. I am probably annoying/frustrating on a more regular basis than I think. I just don’t have to always hear about it.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't divorce, but I certainly can't imagine ever wanting to sleep with a man as meek as this.

she has slept at least 4 times with this meek and unmasculine man and has been impregnanted at least 4 times.

The friend feeling slighted is idiotic. Considering you INVITED him to an event, he should have felt welcomed. Since he felt otherwise, I would have said, “I am sorry you feel that way.” What do you think this person looking for during this event? For you to hand hold introducing him to the other party goers? I could understand both you and your husband being stunned by the friend’s comments and being slow to respond.

Anonymous wrote:Op here- Omg this thread is getting detailed quickly! I am not the bless your heart person! Lol! Dcum is hilarious


Honestly looking for advice. I know you people love to tear down and criticize, but the truth of these conflicts is that i take the masculine role of defending our family and I find it unsexy and demoralizing and lonely. I wonder if it would be better to be divorced rather than have to continue on this way.

Thanks for the real advice. It’s appreciated!

A few things:

- these are pretty normal fights
- "viscously attached" is a huge, dramatic exaggeration that will not get you taken seriously; it's bad enough for MIL to be rude or a friend to yell at you, but exaggerating is not necessary and makes you look silly
- your gender role issues are your issues: your DH doesn't owe you sexy protection because he's a man

You sound like a person with some normal occasional interpersonal challenges who is dramatic and petty and therefore these things get out of hand. That's just as much on you as it is your husband. More so, even.

Divorce is a very very odd place to jump in reaction to these things.

Did OP say what the MIL actually said to her?

The interaction with the friend sounds really odd. I don't know who is and isn't in the wrong there - but it just doesn't sound like normal adult friendship. Why did he feel slighted - and why did he bring it up? What did you say back to him?

OP, have you had a conversation (not in the heat of the moment) to see if your husband thinks you have a bit of a temper? If a friend felt slighted and reacted negatively, it’s not a normal reaction to get all crazy defensive back to them. That’s not how normal adults communicate. Somebody needs to be the adult in the room and not escalate adult intersections (even if the friend reaction was not right).

I would much rather have a measured, thoughtful, generally conflict-avoider for a partner than a hothead with a temper who looks for slights.

I wouldn’t blow up a marriage over this. It’s probably worth *both* of you doing some self-reflection on how your own “fight, freeze or flight” reactions manifest themselves in times of stress. It would be good if you could each exhibit some empathy for a partner with different immediate reactions and how you both might move towards the middle a bit.

Also the MIL issue is easy - just don’t be around her as much and let your DH be the communicator. Look up the “gray rock” approach - that might be just what you need.