Anonymous wrote:I think therapy is joke in most cases and I hate that it’s become so commonplace, particularly among teenagers. I read the article and that the concept of mutuality—thinking of both your own needs and those of others—even needed to be explained and prescribed is indicative of how self-centered we’ve become as a society.

+1

I of course believe in therapy for people suffering from deep trauma, etc. but huge eye roll at people defining their boundaries, dropping the rope, lol.

For what it’s worth, i have a sibling suffering from manic deprsssion with delusions. Will not get help. He is a classic case, but fears and distrusts doctors and medicine. It has been tough as his sister and I have orayed he wouod go to a therapist or any doctor at all! So i personally believe the people who really beed therapy will rarely go.

Anonymous wrote:I’ve often thought therapy would be more productive e if a normal expected part of it was for the therapist to get feedback from others who interact most with the patient. They are only hearing one side of the story so it’s hard to assess the problem and assist the patient. It’s hard enough to do that even with child/teens in therapy, but basically impossible for adults in therapy.

A good therapist should be able to figure out who the unreliable narrators are. But, as with every other profession, YMMV.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve been harmed by therapy. It’s a profession with a lot of quacks, no quality control, and no accountability. And if it goes wrong they always blame the patient.

It was an online therapist during Covid who put the idea into my kid’s head that transgenderism might fix everything. Out of nowhere.

This happened to my son, too. He has OCD, with scrupulosity and gender focused anxiety, all exacerbated by puberty and the pandemic. He wondered aloud if he could be trans and she jumped right on it. Told him it was a big breakthrough, encouraged him to visit numerous gender affirming websites, etc. Interestingly, his anxiety and OCD symptoms increased. It was an elaborate extrication process getting him away from that quack. 1.5 years later, his OCD is well managed and he is 100% certain he is male and is comfortable and happy with that fact.

How did he get to the point where he had OCD with “scrupulously and gender focused anxiety” in the first place? Hmm? Why was he wondering about being trans in the first place? What were you doing or not doing at home that led to that?

DP. Are you kidding me? It seems like half of my teen’s friends have gender focused anxiety (and at least one has OCD as well). This is ridiculously common these days. Has nothing to do with what parents are or aren’t doing at home.

Exactly. Look first at the publics

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been harmed by therapy. It’s a profession with a lot of quacks, no quality control, and no accountability. And if it goes wrong they always blame the patient.

It was an online therapist during Covid who put the idea into my kid’s head that transgenderism might fix everything. Out of nowhere.

Why did your kid need therapy?

Well I think part of it stems from his father’s family constantly calling me a bad mother to the point where social services was brought in. Who saw through their abuse.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve long contended that most of the people I know who go to therapy come out worse. I think there are legitimately some people who do benefit, but the people I know have come out navel gazing and selfish—all take and no give.

Worse for others better for themselves.

In possibly some self deluded reality that makes them feel that they have no accountability and it's everyone else.

I hear you but there are absolutely dysfunctional families that are invested in keeping certain members in disadvantaged positions

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Anonymous wrote:Yes! Thank you for bringing this up, op. Both siblings have been to therapy and both are estranged from my mom and me. Both have very high standards for others and lower standards for them. They expect forgiveness for things they do but are very harsh against ANY thing you do or say even if your intentions were meant for good. For example, sending a gift to their child because you love them but they tell you that you are " love bombing"

My one sibling cut us off but my other sibling wants a fake relationship where she just tells us how wonderful life is but never wanting to discuss any problems to have a real relationship

It is very frustrating but I have had to let go because there is nothing I can do.

So you are the arbiter of what a “real” relationship is? How very interesting.

I can’t imagine anyone wanting to cut you off or keep you at arm’s length, when you have all the answers and know all about how to have a Real Relationship. There can’t at all be a problem with YOU!

Ok I knew someone would attack. Real relationship to me is telling how things are not just the good stuff. I am nowhere near perfect but it is freeing to tell family members who love you that yes Billy failed math or didn't get into the college he wanted. The only time my sibling communicates is when her child has done something amazing. She can't take any criticism and one time I said the leaves weren't as bright and she took it as an insult. She lives in Vermont and I had to keep telling her this was " the most beautiful leaves" the most amazing soup she made etc.

So the sibling is afraid of intimacy and even when I apologize she never accepts it.

You’re a gossip, clearly. If you’re after information like Billy failed math. Guess what? When you out yourself as a gossip by telling little tales and spreading information, people don’t trust you. For a reason. You spend 20 minutes gossiping about a mutual friend, and then ask me how I am? LOL, I’m good. I’ve got your number, and I’m good. I tell my real friends and trusted family members more about my life. You get surface level only. You think I’m “fake,” but actually I am just smart. I don’t confide in gossips or Tragedy Vultures. And I’ve got your number.

Funny I had the opposite take away from OP's follow up. I could see why she didn't want to stay in a small town a with competitive, touchy, and high strung sibling and with parents who enable that sort of behavior. I have no idea where you read that OP was acting as a gossip. She wants to be able to share her life with her friends and family - and that includes the good times and the bad. Instead she has to tiptoe around her sibling's fragile ego.

I’ve often thought therapy would be more productive e if a normal expected part of it was for the therapist to get feedback from others who interact most with the patient. They are only hearing one side of the story so it’s hard to assess the problem and assist the patient. It’s hard enough to do that even with child/teens in therapy, but basically impossible for adults in therapy.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes! Thank you for bringing this up, op. Both siblings have been to therapy and both are estranged from my mom and me. Both have very high standards for others and lower standards for them. They expect forgiveness for things they do but are very harsh against ANY thing you do or say even if your intentions were meant for good. For example, sending a gift to their child because you love them but they tell you that you are " love bombing"

My one sibling cut us off but my other sibling wants a fake relationship where she just tells us how wonderful life is but never wanting to discuss any problems to have a real relationship

It is very frustrating but I have had to let go because there is nothing I can do.

How about you just accept that they don’t want a relationship with you. Why would you send their kids gifts if they’ve told you no.

If you stopped feeling that you are entitled to a relationship with them, you can then decide whether you want to interact with them in a more appropriate manner. Narcissists can’t interact with someone without causing harm so it’s unlikely that you can.

Thank you for being Exhibit A for exactly what OP was talking about,

NP

Anonymous wrote:This reminds me of the acquaintance who asked me to take on a volunteer position, then announced that she needed to learn to prioritize herself and she should have just told me that SHE wanted the position, but since I had already started we had to share the position. Then she sent a text saying that "in an act of radical self-love" she would need to step down from the position.

I mean, what the what.

A therapist is worthless if they cannot help patients progress towards taking positive steps in their lives and changing their reality.

Yes, it is fine to help the patient come to terms with feelings of not being loved by their parents, but it is equally important to tell them to get off their butts and finish their college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes! Thank you for bringing this up, op. Both siblings have been to therapy and both are estranged from my mom and me. Both have very high standards for others and lower standards for them. They expect forgiveness for things they do but are very harsh against ANY thing you do or say even if your intentions were meant for good. For example, sending a gift to their child because you love them but they tell you that you are " love bombing"

My one sibling cut us off but my other sibling wants a fake relationship where she just tells us how wonderful life is but never wanting to discuss any problems to have a real relationship

It is very frustrating but I have had to let go because there is nothing I can do.

So you are the arbiter of what a “real” relationship is? How very interesting.

I can’t imagine anyone wanting to cut you off or keep you at arm’s length, when you have all the answers and know all about how to have a Real Relationship. There can’t at all be a problem with YOU!

Ok I knew someone would attack. Real relationship to me is telling how things are not just the good stuff. I am nowhere near perfect but it is freeing to tell family members who love you that yes Billy failed math or didn't get into the college he wanted. The only time my sibling communicates is when her child has done something amazing. She can't take any criticism and one time I said the leaves weren't as bright and she took it as an insult. She lives in Vermont and I had to keep telling her this was " the most beautiful leaves" the most amazing soup she made etc.

So the sibling is afraid of intimacy and even when I apologize she never accepts it.

You’re a gossip, clearly. If you’re after information like Billy failed math. Guess what? When you out yourself as a gossip by telling little tales and spreading information, people don’t trust you. For a reason. You spend 20 minutes gossiping about a mutual friend, and then ask me how I am? LOL, I’m good. I’ve got your number, and I’m good. I tell my real friends and trusted family members more about my life. You get surface level only. You think I’m “fake,” but actually I am just smart. I don’t confide in gossips or Tragedy Vultures. And I’ve got your number.

Anonymous wrote:I hate the intense navel gazing in society these days. People need to get outside of themselves (for lack of a better term) and focus on others. Focusing on self isn’t healthy.

The best is somewhere in between. Too much of either and you are an anxious wet rag or a narcissistic eternal victim.

Focusing on yourself is VERY healthy if you have been a people pleaser your whole life and have no sense of self worth or self interest.

I hate the intense navel gazing in society these days. People need to get outside of themselves (for lack of a better term) and focus on others. Focusing on self isn’t healthy.

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Anonymous wrote:I’ve long contended that most of the people I know who go to therapy come out worse. I think there are legitimately some people who do benefit, but the people I know have come out navel gazing and selfish—all take and no give.

Worse for others better for themselves.

In possibly some self deluded reality that makes them feel that they have no accountability and it's everyone else.

Yup - I’ve seen it, especially with people with narcissistic tendencies who then use words like boundaries, toxic, triggered etc.

The first step to getting better is to accept self criticism while learning to forgive and love yourself. You only control yourself - the reality is that others aren’t “toxic” usually they are just flawed humans too mostly trying their best. And those that do the most damage to others are unable to be self critical. If someone really wants to change, a therapist can be helpful (especially to work through real trauma or mental health) but if they don’t want to change, therapy is just another weapon.

I’ve never bothered with it, because I have learned to work through my issues, mostly keeping myself busy and talking to friends etc.