Anonymous wrote:I took my traditional marriage vows seriously. When “until death do us part” happened I was devastated. Some people are happy in long term relationships.

I'm sorry, PP. But it's good that you had a strong relationship and apparently a positive one.

Another lifer here and frankly proud of it. Even better with an empty nest now, honestly.

Unpopular opinion: People who have sex outside marriage should not have gotten married, or should not stay married. If they want sex with various partners, truly, thats fine, but don't pretend that "open marriage"and "consensual non-monogamy" are anything other than buzzwords people use to keep either social standing or financial standing intact. I'm betting that all the supposedly non-monogamous people who prosyletize about its wonders on DCUM are not talking it up anywhere but here. They know society still equates marriage with commitment and fidelity. They can lament that all they like but it's still the ingrained reality, and their feints at making open marriage etc. A Thing aren't making a dent in that reality.

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Anonymous wrote:Sex is not a need, it is a want or desire. Nobody ever died from not having it. Don't accept "I have to get my needs met" as an excuse for anything, it just rationalizes bad behavior, lack of self control, and misunderstanding of actual biological needs.

Thank you for the perspective of a sex negative fourth wave feminist.

Not sure why this is getting so much blowback. If you washed up alone on a desert island, it’s the lack of food and/or water, not the lack of sex, that would eventually kill you. It’s just a fact.

O.K. let's run with that--using your example of being washed up alone on a desert island.

In addition to not needing sex, (according to your definition of "need",) the castway wouldn't need:

1. A house with a roof over her head. You can just make a little shelter out of palm tree branches.
2. Running water, or plumbing. You can just look for natural sources of rain water and take a dump in a hole in the ground.
3. Grocery stores. You can just eat bugs, plants, and raw fish or seagulls.
4. Birthday cake for your 40th birthday.

Shall I go on?

Many people do not live in houses. I listed food and water as necessities. Birthday cake is nice but you can get along without it. Your entire argument is pretty bad and much of it dovetails with what I said.

Let us all know when you give your house away to charity and by the way how do you get mail delivered to the bridge you are going to be living under. Thanks for playing.

You mad cause you can’t dispute that sex is a want, not a need? Stay mad. 😎

Not talking 75% of the time, pretending everything is fine no matter what the other 25% of the time…seems like a recipe for success!

Anonymous wrote:The biggest failure of therapy culture is insisting that married couples need to “communicate more”. The truth is that married couples need to say way, way less things out loud. Most marriages would benefit tremendously from people shutting up 75% more than they currently do and keeping the remaining 25% positive and playful.

I think you are right. Although in older generations I think they did talk often just as much but it wasn't expected to be so playful. Lots of business but that was expected especially from the man. My parents used to talk finances and things to do every day and weren't phased by it like people are today.

Anonymous wrote:Marital sex is way better than sex I have as a single divorced person with dates. I don’t perform oral on anybody, men use condoms and I can’t finish with protection or proper oral prep on both sides. I always had a simultaneous O with my ex. Every single time we had sex during our 16 years long marriage.

Maybe someone already noted this earlier in this long thread, but: You posted this exact post in another thread, the one about lessons learned about relationships. Nothing wrong with that, I guess, just noting it. You sound frustrated with the sex you're having while dating around. Maybe focus on finding one partner and bulding up the trust and commitment so you can have the sex you really want instead of only-sort-of-OK sex. I know! Unpopular opinion, to recommend one partner....

Unpopular opinion: no woman should marry a man who doesn’t do at least 50% of the housework/family responsibility. Men should bring in at least 50% of the income unless they are providing substantially more household support. In many, many cases women would be better off getting high quality sperm from a bank and then using apps for fulfilling sex with young men. The investment of time and resources in pregnancy and childbirth is rarely evened out in an average marriage.

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Anonymous wrote:Women should contribute 50% to the relationship, including financially.

I agree

Men earn more than women. Shouldn’t contributions be proportional to income?

Sure just like who has the most power and authority should be who makes the most money.

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Anonymous wrote:Way too many wives put being a mom first over their marriage and then act surprised when DH cheats or leaves or their marriage suffers otherwise.

Okay man-baby.

Babies don't have sex. They are asexual.

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Anonymous wrote:Too many men and women make too many excuses for being overweight, obese, and out of shape. Fat acceptance is a bizarre Orwellian concept that characterizes the dystopian nature of many womens attitudes towards their obligation to remain fit sexy and attractive for their partners.

Being fat lazy and out of shape makes you a terrible marital partner.

That society thinks 50 year old woman need to look like they did in their 20s. Women used to be able to age and grandmothers weren’t sexy. Now women are made to feel like failures if they don’t weigh the same at 50 as they did at 25. Life was so much better when it was socially acceptable to age and be matronly.

+1 We were watching The Godfather recently and it was striking how all of the older mothers were portly, enjoying pasta, and wearing dresses with graying hair. It is so sad that we now require women look hot (!) and sexually available into their 60s and beyond. Americans are oversexed.

The biggest failure of therapy culture is insisting that married couples need to “communicate more”. The truth is that married couples need to say way, way less things out loud. Most marriages would benefit tremendously from people shutting up 75% more than they currently do and keeping the remaining 25% positive and playful.

I took my traditional marriage vows seriously. When “until death do us part” happened I was devastated. Some people are happy in long term relationships.

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Anonymous wrote:long-term monogamy and sexual desire are incompatible. I am not sure this is unpopular, but people certainly don't want to acknowledge that monogamy as we know it has dire, dire consequences.

Agree. It should be okay to not want sex after 20 years of a marriage.

And equally ok for the one who does want sex to not want monogamy.

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Anonymous wrote:Marriage is between one man and one woman until death of one party. (Very unpopular, no one in this thread believes this)

Finances should be totally joint and undisentangleable. (See above)

More people should choose celibacy. Marriage is definitely hard but there is at least a point to it; sleeping with people as a single person sounds a lot more fun than it actually ends up being. The juice isn’t worth the squeeze, as they say.

You have to be a very special person to enjoy monogamy. Sleeping with single people is very very fun if you're single.

Can someone please explain it to me how it’s very very fun? Dating scene sex is very limited in terms of not having oral on multiple partners, changing partners before I can even get into his rhythm, using protection and scare of infections. It takes couple months for me just to adjust my pelvic floor to a new partner, learn to trust them allow certain things etc.

Are you a man who just like PIV in condom with many different women ? Because to me as a woman it’s not nearly as fun as marital unprotected sex of greater variety

I’m a woman and I think it’s fun! I’m attractive and find it easy to match. I don’t fall into partners randomly - I’m dating for sex and fun as I won’t marry again. I also don’t take months to “warm up” or “adjust” to a partner!?!?

I think you need to relax a little.

I don’t get it: do they all perform oral on you during “dating” sex? Do you like oral on multiple men ? How do you avoid STDs?

How did you avoid it before you were married? Fact: most people don’t have an STI.

I only had 3 partners including my exH before getting married. With each we took STD tests, only used protection for the first few times until both were certain we don’t date others. They pulled out and I was on birth control after. Has oral and anal very early soon after STD test. Sex happened after 1-2 months of dating and introducing BFs to my family and getting my family approval. It was in Eastern Europe 25 years ago. Met my exH at 24 after two other long term relationships. But here in the US men expect sex after 3 dates, use condoms (which don’t even protect against all STDs). They want oral of course but I can’t force myself to enjoy it this way.

They don't??

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Anonymous wrote:Too many men and women make too many excuses for being overweight, obese, and out of shape. Fat acceptance is a bizarre Orwellian concept that characterizes the dystopian nature of many womens attitudes towards their obligation to remain fit sexy and attractive for their partners.

Being fat lazy and out of shape makes you a terrible marital partner.

That society thinks 50 year old woman need to look like they did in their 20s. Women used to be able to age and grandmothers weren’t sexy. Now women are made to feel like failures if they don’t weigh the same at 50 as they did at 25. Life was so much better when it was socially acceptable to age and be matronly.

How old are you? I'm 57 and not yet interested in looking and being matronly. No thank you. That dates to an era when life expectancy was 67, diets and exercise were so much worse.

Anonymous wrote:I think cheating is ok if:

-you don’t engage in a long term affair that entails a ton of deception and resources (time and money) that should be going to your family

-you’re discreet and don’t go for people in your community

-you keep your mouth shut and NEVER tell your spouse

Basically, I think it’s ok to have flings when you’re on work travel. If my DH does this, I don’t want to know and if I do it, I won’t tell him.

I want to stay married I just want to have sex with someone new once in awhile.

But you'd have to always use condoms right?