Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you don’t want to be with SIL why are you pretending it’s about the rooms?

We would stay with them if the rooms were suitable. The difficulty is that explaining we don’t want our nephew unsupervised with our kids would kick off a huge and unnecessary family drama— we don’t care if he’s medicated/in therapy/doing sports, we aren’t risking our kids safety and it’s not up for discussion.

Oh way to hide the pickle, should have led with that.
You sound like a jerk.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suspect your relatives are saying stuff about how you could stay there because they're coping with cognitive dissonance. I imagine they are super worried about their grandson and his siblings, now and for how your grandson will fare as an adult with this kind of difficult road ahead. They don't have the family they imagined and the vacations they imagined. And all of that is hard for them to process, and it feels awkward and probably frustrates them that you aren't going along with their desire to pretend there isn't a problem. But they know perfectly well there is a problem. Holding those two ideas at once creates cognitive dissonance, and they vent their stress at you and blame you because they don't really have anyone else they can do that to. They're not going to stop. You can insist that they stop saying stuff in front of your younger child, but really, it doesn't matter-- your kid will catch on soon enough.

+1

Don't take this on, OP. This literally should not become your problem. Their wanting to live in MF La La Land is absolutely NOT your problem.

Yep. I'm the PP who wrote this and I forgot to say, I would just not go. It sounds awful and I'm not sure your presence is making anyone else happier either. It will never be the vacation they truly want, and that's sad but it is what it is, you can't fix it.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suspect your relatives are saying stuff about how you could stay there because they're coping with cognitive dissonance. I imagine they are super worried about their grandson and his siblings, now and for how your grandson will fare as an adult with this kind of difficult road ahead. They don't have the family they imagined and the vacations they imagined. And all of that is hard for them to process, and it feels awkward and probably frustrates them that you aren't going along with their desire to pretend there isn't a problem. But they know perfectly well there is a problem. Holding those two ideas at once creates cognitive dissonance, and they vent their stress at you and blame you because they don't really have anyone else they can do that to. They're not going to stop. You can insist that they stop saying stuff in front of your younger child, but really, it doesn't matter-- your kid will catch on soon enough.

+1

Don't take this on, OP. This literally should not become your problem. Their wanting to live in MF La La Land is absolutely NOT your problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.

We do not let them out of our sight. We treat nephew like a body of water— eyes on the kids at all times he’s present, no reading, no drinking, no distractions.

That said there is no evidence whatsoever of inappropriate sexual contact, his issue is unmanageable rage leading to things like throwing a heavy object through a window, sibling needed stitches from broken glass flying.

He flies into rages like this and no one will utter the words that they feel unsafe around him? Something doesn't add up.

DH has a sibling like this and to say they walk on eggshells, to this very day, is an understatement. They all entertain his BS. The mom was completely negligent about this one, and many other things, as well. Of course, the dad was never home.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.

We do not let them out of our sight. We treat nephew like a body of water— eyes on the kids at all times he’s present, no reading, no drinking, no distractions.

That said there is no evidence whatsoever of inappropriate sexual contact, his issue is unmanageable rage leading to things like throwing a heavy object through a window, sibling needed stitches from broken glass flying.

Yeah, that is a big fat no from me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.

We do not let them out of our sight. We treat nephew like a body of water— eyes on the kids at all times he’s present, no reading, no drinking, no distractions.

That said there is no evidence whatsoever of inappropriate sexual contact, his issue is unmanageable rage leading to things like throwing a heavy object through a window, sibling needed stitches from broken glass flying.

He flies into rages like this and no one will utter the words that they feel unsafe around him? Something doesn't add up.

We said that when our first was born and said it subsequently about why he wasn’t allowed to hold the second. The discussion went basically verbatim how I said a conversation would go now, and devolves into a family discussion about SILs parenting choices and I just can’t see how that helps anyone.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.

We do not let them out of our sight. We treat nephew like a body of water— eyes on the kids at all times he’s present, no reading, no drinking, no distractions.

That said there is no evidence whatsoever of inappropriate sexual contact, his issue is unmanageable rage leading to things like throwing a heavy object through a window, sibling needed stitches from broken glass flying.

He flies into rages like this and no one will utter the words that they feel unsafe around him? Something doesn't add up.

No one on DCUM knows if your in-laws are just being polite or if they actually want you to stay there. If you really want to know the answer to that question, ask them. But I don't really see the point of trying to figure out if they want you there or are just being polite since you don't feel comfortable staying with them anyway. So why does it even matter whether they genuinely want you to stay or not?

Your number 1 priority in life is your kids' safety, right? That is non-negotiable. The beach house w/ the cousin is NOT a safe environment for your kids. It's not safe for 1 night or for longer. It's not safe if you have your own locking door or if you don't (because it sounds like the cousin has done unsafe things like throw heavy objects through glass which could happen at any time of day whether you are present and supervising or not, right?) So stop wringing your hands over whether or not you need to be involved in helping pick out a house that you're not comfortable staying at. Personally, I wouldn't even want to go on this trip at all. Way too much hassle to drive to the beach and visit this volatile, violent, explosive kid and then stay at a hotel. Take a different vacation with your nuclear family or maybe invite your MIL and FIL to go on a trip w/ you sometime. Don't participate in this mess at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suspect your relatives are saying stuff about how you could stay there because they're coping with cognitive dissonance. I imagine they are super worried about their grandson and his siblings, now and for how your grandson will fare as an adult with this kind of difficult road ahead. They don't have the family they imagined and the vacations they imagined. And all of that is hard for them to process, and it feels awkward and probably frustrates them that you aren't going along with their desire to pretend there isn't a problem. But they know perfectly well there is a problem. Holding those two ideas at once creates cognitive dissonance, and they vent their stress at you and blame you because they don't really have anyone else they can do that to. They're not going to stop. You can insist that they stop saying stuff in front of your younger child, but really, it doesn't matter-- your kid will catch on soon enough.

Vent their stress? What have the in laws done other than invite OP to a frer vacation? This is over the top.

The stress of the cognitive dissonance created by the situation, the behaviors themselves (which could injure an elderly person too, right?), their desire to be in denial of it, their worry for their grandson's well-being and his future, their disappointment at not having an easy family, and the stress of being in disagreement among themselves about how to handle it. This stuff all together causes cognitive dissonance, and social awkwardness, and their comments are the stress leaking out.

I think in this situation I would just try to kindly say "I know, Marje" when she brings up the rooms, and change the subject. It's best seen as a verbal tic of hers. She knows you don't want to stay there and she knows why on some level.

^ free

Anonymous wrote:OP, I suspect your relatives are saying stuff about how you could stay there because they're coping with cognitive dissonance. I imagine they are super worried about their grandson and his siblings, now and for how your grandson will fare as an adult with this kind of difficult road ahead. They don't have the family they imagined and the vacations they imagined. And all of that is hard for them to process, and it feels awkward and probably frustrates them that you aren't going along with their desire to pretend there isn't a problem. But they know perfectly well there is a problem. Holding those two ideas at once creates cognitive dissonance, and they vent their stress at you and blame you because they don't really have anyone else they can do that to. They're not going to stop. You can insist that they stop saying stuff in front of your younger child, but really, it doesn't matter-- your kid will catch on soon enough.

Vent their stress? What have the in laws done other than invite OP to a frer vacation? This is over the top.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.

We do not let them out of our sight. We treat nephew like a body of water— eyes on the kids at all times he’s present, no reading, no drinking, no distractions.

That said there is no evidence whatsoever of inappropriate sexual contact, his issue is unmanageable rage leading to things like throwing a heavy object through a window, sibling needed stitches from broken glass flying.

DP - if your nephew is that dangerous, it doesn’t sound like your vigilance is enough. I mean, are you going to keep your kids 10 feet away from him at all times? Even if your kids aren’t physically hurt, witnessing that kind of thing is traumatic enough for children.

OP, I suspect your relatives are saying stuff about how you could stay there because they're coping with cognitive dissonance. I imagine they are super worried about their grandson and his siblings, now and for how your grandson will fare as an adult with this kind of difficult road ahead. They don't have the family they imagined and the vacations they imagined. And all of that is hard for them to process, and it feels awkward and probably frustrates them that you aren't going along with their desire to pretend there isn't a problem. But they know perfectly well there is a problem. Holding those two ideas at once creates cognitive dissonance, and they vent their stress at you and blame you because they don't really have anyone else they can do that to. They're not going to stop. You can insist that they stop saying stuff in front of your younger child, but really, it doesn't matter-- your kid will catch on soon enough.

Anonymous wrote:OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.

We do not let them out of our sight. We treat nephew like a body of water— eyes on the kids at all times he’s present, no reading, no drinking, no distractions.

That said there is no evidence whatsoever of inappropriate sexual contact, his issue is unmanageable rage leading to things like throwing a heavy object through a window, sibling needed stitches from broken glass flying.

OP - I am assuming you're telling the truth about your nephew. That being said, it doesn't matter if you are staying in the beach house with them or not for the cousin to have access to your kids. My sister was abused by our first cousin (physically and s@xually) when we were kids, at my grandparents and at the beach house. Plenty of adults around, but no one caught it.

He's now serving 75 years for abuse of other kids.

If you think the nephew is dangerous in ANY way, don't let your own children out of your site. Do not stay in the same house with them period. Ever.