Anonymous
02/05/2023 11:47
Subject: Re:How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?
I mean … clearly this marriage is not working for you. An autism diagnosis is going to do exactly zero to repair what you describe as a decades-long emotionally empty relationship. Chosing to focus on what is wrong with your spouse as opposed to taking responsibility for what YOU can do is a classic way to evade taking responsibility and to avoid change. You should get individual therapy to decide what you want.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 11:42
Subject: Re:How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
New poster here just to say that I feel much like you, OP. I'm not sure that my husband has HFA. At times I have thought that he might and talked to him about the possibility. He told me once years ago that he had to ride on a bus with his housekeeper to therapy for a few years when he was a kid. That he was never really sure why, that his parents just told him it was because he didn't talk very much. When we dated, there were times when he just, for lack of a better description, "checked out." Just sort of sat quietly and would be dismissive of me for days at a time. I broke up with him because of how badly this made me feel and he came back with over the top love and affection. Because he was caring and generous most of the time, I decided I would just live with these bouts of his dismissiveness and his idiosyncracies. The early days of our marriage were fine, but once kids came into the picture, he became very financially controlling, but was literally 100% checked out of parenting. He did almost no parenting with me. He would tag along to activities, but never really knew what was going on in any of our lives. Every single night at the dinner table, he would usually just sit quietly staring out the window. We would try to talk to him, either about our days, his, or sometimes specifically about why he would just act like we weren't there, but that typically led to angry outbursts. Over the years, he has tried here and there to connect, especially as our kids grew up and I think he saw they were pulling away, but it's just not something he can sustain. Now that's it's just the two of us in the house, we will go days without speaking to each other. It depresses me to no end, but he doesn't even notice. I'm just at a loss as to what to do. What makes men act like this?
Anonymous
02/05/2023 11:19
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’d rather bang my head against a wall.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't normally reccomend this but in your situation, Laura Doyle could really help.
Get a coach and join the community. Scores of women married to men on the spectrum there. It could be like a whole new marriage in a matter of months.
Agreed. This approach works well with men like this. Little responsibility and a lot of praise.
The benefit of this approach is that while you don't get the help you need because it will never happen (he can't focus on this many people), you might get a better connection between your children and their dad and you with him.
+1 I pretty much live like this, and I need to find a way to get out. I don't know if my husband would qualify for this diagnosis, or if he's just an immature jerk (so many similarities to people describing their partners here but I just don't know) , but I wanted a PARTNER in life. Not a perpetual child that pouts when they aren't massaged enough. I just lost all feelings and don't want it anymore.
I'm the first PP here who reccomended LD.
The responding PP does not understand the program, evidenced in her reply.
Ask any of the tens of thousands of women that have had success with the LD approach/coaching in marriages to men with suspected ASD or an actual diagnosis.
They 100% CAN be connected and devoted to you. To helping you. To doing whatever you wish, they'll rise to the occasion. You kight spend some time feeling like you're massaging his ego and getting no results, but for those that have forged on you can see a real change in how he relates to you. Then you just have to keep it going.
That's why the women in these coaching circles describe themselves as feeling "empowered." We roll our eyes because LD is essentially the queen of anti-feminism, right? But these are not meek women. These are not all SAHMs or ultra-religious women who refuse to divorce lest they be shunned by their community. There are some of those, of course, but there are absolutely more bread-winning women that have been doing it all and keeping it going until they hit a wall of frustration and exhaustion. They try LD as a last resort prior to throwing in the towel. That's generally where you see the magic happen.
While LD has no children, virtually every other woman in the program and all of the coaches do. So please don't think the issues surrounding childcare aren't a big part of it. Many of these women figured out their husbands were ASD when their child received a diagnosis.
DP but thanks for this post, it's helpful info.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 11:03
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.
Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.
+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.
Exactly. My ASD kiddo actually is charming in his own way (I say as his mom) but that is with people who themselves look past the differences and appreciate him and his gifts. (Which, btw, is how any relationship with anyone non-typical would work.)
You, of all people, should know that every situation is different.
Every situation is different, but autism has an actual diagnosis and set of symptoms.
YEs, it does, and surely OP has done their homework. People don't leap to these conclusions lightheartedly. If anything we hope the situation is not what we think it is.
You really need to butt out and let people get the help and support they need. You are being unfair to OP and want her to suffer as you have. Let OP get support.
Just stop.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 11:02
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’d rather bang my head against a wall.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I don't normally reccomend this but in your situation, Laura Doyle could really help.
Get a coach and join the community. Scores of women married to men on the spectrum there. It could be like a whole new marriage in a matter of months.
Agreed. This approach works well with men like this. Little responsibility and a lot of praise.
The benefit of this approach is that while you don't get the help you need because it will never happen (he can't focus on this many people), you might get a better connection between your children and their dad and you with him.
+1 I pretty much live like this, and I need to find a way to get out. I don't know if my husband would qualify for this diagnosis, or if he's just an immature jerk (so many similarities to people describing their partners here but I just don't know) , but I wanted a PARTNER in life. Not a perpetual child that pouts when they aren't massaged enough. I just lost all feelings and don't want it anymore.
I'm the first PP here who reccomended LD.
The responding PP does not understand the program, evidenced in her reply.
Ask any of the tens of thousands of women that have had success with the LD approach/coaching in marriages to men with suspected ASD or an actual diagnosis.
They 100% CAN be connected and devoted to you. To helping you. To doing whatever you wish, they'll rise to the occasion. You kight spend some time feeling like you're massaging his ego and getting no results, but for those that have forged on you can see a real change in how he relates to you. Then you just have to keep it going.
That's why the women in these coaching circles describe themselves as feeling "empowered." We roll our eyes because LD is essentially the queen of anti-feminism, right? But these are not meek women. These are not all SAHMs or ultra-religious women who refuse to divorce lest they be shunned by their community. There are some of those, of course, but there are absolutely more bread-winning women that have been doing it all and keeping it going until they hit a wall of frustration and exhaustion. They try LD as a last resort prior to throwing in the towel. That's generally where you see the magic happen.
While LD has no children, virtually every other woman in the program and all of the coaches do. So please don't think the issues surrounding childcare aren't a big part of it. Many of these women figured out their husbands were ASD when their child received a diagnosis.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:58
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Try everything and then just move on. We're still married but open, and I don't expect him to fulfill any of my needs except financial. Try treating the co-mobidities. DH is medicated for depression and anxiety, and if he wasn't we'd be divorced. Try a CPAP. DH needs a lot of down time when he's not masking so quality sleep is key.
We've tried neurodiverse couples counseling and ASD coaching, and individual therapy too
same route and end game here.
+1
OP there are ASD/neurotypical couple support groups - do a search here and there should be some links - this subject comes up often. Pay no mind to the PPs who try to dismiss your concerns (it is the same moms of ASD who try to shut the conversation down). This is a very real and a very lonely situation. You deserve peace, you deserve a life that is less strife.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:53
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.
Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.
+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.
Exactly. My ASD kiddo actually is charming in his own way (I say as his mom) but that is with people who themselves look past the differences and appreciate him and his gifts. (Which, btw, is how any relationship with anyone non-typical would work.)
You, of all people, should know that every situation is different.
Every situation is different, but autism has an actual diagnosis and set of symptoms.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:39
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.
Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.
+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.
There's a reason it's described as a spectrum.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:37
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.
Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.
+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.
Exactly. My ASD kiddo actually is charming in his own way (I say as his mom) but that is with people who themselves look past the differences and appreciate him and his gifts. (Which, btw, is how any relationship with anyone non-typical would work.)
You, of all people, should know that every situation is different.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:36
Subject: Re:How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
What I saw happening was that life became too complicated. He started to check out and lie about stuff to not have to deal with it. That caused resentment and confusion. The kids grew and overtook his abilities which caused him more angst and depression. His dad died and he decided it was now or never to change his life and stop having all these responsibilities. He left us and went on hid own till he couldn't handle that either and is back with his mom. I don't think he was a bad husband or dad when he was with us and engaged. It was just the disengagement that caused the turmoil.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:32
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.
Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.
The higher IQ can, and do. Especially if they do drama club or copy behaviors from watching a lot of TV.
No we don't. I day this as someone with a higher IQ, HFA and I am told sn agreeable personality we are different. I knee I was different which is part of why I sought a diagnosis. If you spend any time with us and are actually paying attention you will see that.
Fortunately for me I have people who embrace my differences.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:27
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Pp, that hardly sounds like a happy marriage. Mine is like yours, except my DH is social. He will go out with me and my friends, but he has no friends of his own. Aspies mask in public. At home my DH ignores me. His only interest is his job.
Has anyone tried coaching, and if so, did it work?
Couples therapy was a complete failure for us. DH says he'll make changes, but he can't. He's charming and funny, so he charms the therapist. But making a true emotional connection is impossible for him. Will coaching help?
I'm so tired of feeling so lonely in my marriage.
Charming, masking in public, and gaslighting sound more like narcissism than Asperger Syndrome. I have a masters in special education. I taught at the middle school level. Most children and teens on the autism spectrum would not be socially capable of putting on a different persona in public vs. private.
+1. I have a very high IQ kid with ASD and there is no chance he could even for ten minutes fool anyone into thinking he is NT. And while as his mom I think he has charms, I don't think 'charming' is the word people would reach for to describe him. Nor any of the other kids we know with this dx. What the posters are describing seems 100% different, like they have coopted the term to describe bad husbands.
Exactly. My ASD kiddo actually is charming in his own way (I say as his mom) but that is with people who themselves look past the differences and appreciate him and his gifts. (Which, btw, is how any relationship with anyone non-typical would work.)
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:20
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:We used Grace Myhill for coaching. It didn't work for us, but every NT/ASD couple is different and ASD presents itself differently in everyone.
Since when has a diagnosis of autism meant superior social skills, capable of charming a therapist, gaslighting an adult spouse, and putting on a different persona in public?
What post do you think you’re responding to? Try again.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:19
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:She likely has ASD as well. Her tone and defiant posts are very telling.
lol lol loooolll. never stop borderline ladies.
Anonymous
02/05/2023 10:19
Subject: How do you stay married to an ASD HFA Aspergers husband?
Anonymous wrote:We used Grace Myhill for coaching. It didn't work for us, but every NT/ASD couple is different and ASD presents itself differently in everyone.
Since when has a diagnosis of autism meant superior social skills, capable of charming a therapist, gaslighting an adult spouse, and putting on a different persona in public?