Anonymous wrote:I marched through a field of red flags.
I genuinely hoped that some things would get better.
I turned a blind eye and crossed my fingers to others.
DH will never choose me.
He will never ultimately include me on his team, priority 1, over his family of origin.
He is so enmeshed with his family of origin, unwilling to admit that they have any faults. It is always 0 them 100% me to blame.
A somewhat vague example- he has a distant relationship with his brother. Over the last few years, brother has been slowly cutting off contact with DH and other family members and he does not know why.
Recently, brother has been intentionally rude. Will not answer phone calls, emails or texts from certain people. He Invited their sister and her family to holidays and childrens bday parties but excluded DH and other relatives.
Preceding all of this, brother has been rude to me in the past- often in subtle ways. After an incident at our baby girl's baptism in which brother said he was not interested in interacting with/holding/ touching our new baby (his niece), I told DH, "I am done. I will be civil polite, but I am not interested in a relationship with him beyond that. My newborn child- This is my boundary."
And I have been true to my word. I have not seen brother much in the last few years, but when I have, I am civil, polite, but distant. I will not entertain people who made it a point to actively reject my child.

To my enmeshed DH, boundaries do not exist. He believes that "real families don't do boundaries."
This was a death sentence for me. According to DH, this was the most hurtful thing anyone has ever done to him.
The problem was not what brother said or did. THe problem was my response. I dared to implement a boundary. I dared to call out bad behavior. I did not follow the family line of staying quiet and just letting brother be a jerk.
He resents me for not engaging in the dysfunction.
This theme comes up often.
He will always look to blame me for my response to a situation, rather than open his eyes to the situation.
I cannot imagine split custody.
I dont know waht ot do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

NP. I understand OP’s feelings. She wants her IL’s to magically become close family who treat her well and instantly bond with her. She also wants them to read her mind and be on the same page with her, which is controlling and immature. Maybe she just needs to grow up a little. I understand her feelings more than yours ie wanting to see less of your IL’s who are very nice. That’s just strange to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

NP. I understand OP’s feelings. She wants her IL’s to magically become close family who treat her well and instantly bond with her. She also wants them to read her mind and be on the same page with her, which is controlling and immature. Maybe she just needs to grow up a little. I understand her feelings more than yours ie wanting to see less of your IL’s who are very nice. That’s just strange to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

OK? Then he can arrange to see them. He can pick up the phone. HE can make it happen. OP needn't get involved, if she so clearly thinks they are awful people. See how that works?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

My DH wants them to interact with his child. I may have zero interest in being around them, but it is important to him that they spend time with his daughter.
He was very hurt that they lived 15 minutes away and did not see the baby for 3 months.

Two things can be true. I can think that my in laws suck AND also be empathetic to his pain of his family not showing interest.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

DP. Is this you above, OP? If so -- I note you say you are currently in individual counseling. What does your counselor say? Do you only vent there, or do you discuss coping strategies?
I'm not actually asking you to report to us strangers what you discuss in counseling. I'm asking, really, if the counseling is helping you make any choices, see anything differently, or develop any specific strategies for coping when he does things that are problematic for you. In short, is the counseling just to vent or is it intended to help you cope day to day and also possibly assess whether to stay or go? Have you told the counselor everything you are telling us here? And if not -- why not, what's holding you back?

I'm sorry he walked out on that appointment. It sounds as if he cannot be open to hearing an objective third party question his relationship with his family of origin. Keep going to YOUR individual counseling, maybe even double down and do more if you need to. But be sure it's actually helping you move forward and cope, not just vent.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

THIS. Exactly how I feel.
I will never proclaim to be a perfect person. But I consider my main family unit to be my spouse and child. That does not mean neglecting or cutting off my family of origin, but to me, it means making decisions that prioritize my spouse and child.
It means sometimes saying NO to my parents. It means considering my husband's opinion on a situation as more important than my mom's.
I am in individual counseling. We have done couple therapy before but ended it twice, with 2 different providers, because DH did not htink it was productive.
One counselor actually dared to use the enmeshed word and pointed out that dh did not have appropriate boundaries with his family.
DH WALKED OUT of the appointment. It was mortifying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Umm I’m a woman (and a mom) and I think she’s overreacting to everything she’s described. I think she needs a lot of attention, his family is over it, and she needs to grow out of that. I can only imagine what her wedding was like. Highly recommend couples therapy for you op.

I wanted to elope or have something very small. MIL wanted a blow out wedding and to invite 93843984 people that we had never met, without contributing a penny. DH: "If this will make my mom happy what is the harm?" I almost called it off. I should have. It was a harbinger.

Anonymous wrote:You and your husband definitely have major issues. You are making a mistake focusing on small things (like someone holding a baby) over the fundamentals. Fundamentally, your hsuband does not seem to respect you. He thinks it is more important to make his mom happy than you. He is selfish enough to hold out for the perfect job over something that contributes to family.

The reality is that you have your own issues as well (we all do — no one is perfect).

The question is where do you go from here. Individual and marriage counseling might really help. But you have never responded that you are willing to try this. If you don’t want to try counseling, then your choices are to remain miserable or get a divorce.

Anonymous wrote:I’m not holding babies right now because of COVID. Why do you want a bunch of people holding your newborn during a pandemic? Maybe he was worried he would t be good at keeping the baby from crying? I’ve also said no from holding babies due to shoulder pain.

He came to the baptism. Isn’t that enough?

Anonymous wrote:Hmm? Still waiting! Still waiting for OP or any of her defenders to address this point:

If my ILs were horrible/rude, I would want to see ***less of them,*** and I wouldn't want them around my baby. I would do cartwheels for every time I didn't have to see them. Heck, my ILs are all-around very nice and fairly unproblematic, and I would still like to see less of them. So please, by all means: take a shot and rationally try to explain to me how OP is justified in thinking they are horrible people, AND wanting them to visit/hold/give gifts more? I would love to see you try to make sense of that. Can you?

Anonymous wrote:Umm I’m a woman (and a mom) and I think she’s overreacting to everything she’s described. I think she needs a lot of attention, his family is over it, and she needs to grow out of that. I can only imagine what her wedding was like. Highly recommend couples therapy for you op.