Your boss is a jerk for not respecting your time off, don’t go to that meeting during thanksgiving.

I would quit, if you can manage without your income I would absolutely quit. Your kids are only young once.


You can find another job later in life

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

Ok you are very happy with your child care situation but how is this remotely applicable to OP with a 4 year old and an 8 year old?

Sorry that sounded sharper than I meant it to. I also struggled at times with child care when my kids were very young but by 4 they love preschool. It’s not the time I’d be leaving the workforce. My kids are similar ages and I am a PP who cut back so my kids didn’t have long days (feel this even more strongly with elementary school, my oldest is TIRED after school) but I feel like I’m at the point where the decision to stay in the workforce is paying off.

It makes me raise an eyebrow when women decide they need to be SAHM only once all their kids start or are on the verge of going to school full-time. I get that sometimes the timing just works like that with family circumstances but it's hard to imagine being super comfortable sending an infant/toddler to daycare all day but only once they're 5 is it too much...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I left the workforce for almost ten years. Scariest thing I ever did. I was convinced I would never get a job again. I did some freelance work in the interim to make sure I was still somewhat in the workforce. When it was time to go back it was fine. It was completely fine. Sure, I'm not Executive Vice President of Important Things, but I picked up where I left off, salary-wise. I did a career pivot, so I'm in a field similar to, but not exactly the same. I transitioned from marketing to tech writing. My only regret is the time I spent worrying that I made a mistake.

This is really heartening to hear! I'm in the end stage of staying home for about 9 years, and am trying to figure out how to get back in. it's very stressful, I sometimes wonder if I made a mistake by quitting, so it's wonderful to hear that it worked out for you! I also freelanced (wrote articles) and had a book published during that time (i always had 10-15 hours of childcare). fingers crossed.

It took nine months of excruciating, self-esteem crushing searching. Even with the freelancing, many of my skills were embarassingly out-of-date. I took a lot of courses. I revised my resume three times. I spent probably 2 hours/day on LinkedIn reading job ads and trying figure out how to get my resume and skills in shape. I did A LOT of reaching out to people for career advice. "Tell me about your field and how you got into it..." Once I got the hang of it, it was like Job Mountain came to me. Months of rejection, and then three offers on the same day. I wish I could go back and tell SAHM me that it will work out.

That last thing you mentioned - having conversations with people about their work - is considered the gold standard of how to find a job these days. There’s a book called Design Your Life (or similar) that describes how to do this. It was a real mind shift for me, but it’s so effective.

Don't quit to stay home because you hate your job...get a new job. Being a SAHM is hard. Do you actually want to be a SAHM or do you just not want to work (at this job)? Very different things.

It is such a weird phenomenon that in order to feel good about one’s choice, some feel the need to demean a different choice. I stayed at home and worked at different times and both were the right choices for my family at those times. I assume the vast majority of parents are making the best choices they can.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take note ladies, if you want to be a “good mom” and have “happy kids” you need to marry well and never divorce. And make sure DH is totally on board with anything you say.

I said I’m happier and my kids are happier.

You can be happier working.

Perhaps I will be back to work in a few years. For now, I am still enjoying being home with the kids. I would say most of my friends and most of my kids’ friends’ parents work. Many moms have chosen more flexible jobs. We carpool. We hang out.

When I was working, I met more SAHMs. Now I stay home and meet more working moms. My working status doesn’t define me.

How old are your kids and how long have you been home?

My three kids are ages 5-12. All three kids need me in different ways. All three have a lot of sports and activities.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

And some kids adjust great to "group care." My kid loved daycare from day 1.

Cool. Yes, I know that plenty of kids do. But there are lots of parents out there -- both those that SAH and also those that WOH or WFH -- who do not want to put their young kids, particularly infants and toddlers, in a daycare setting, especially for long hours. (This is where flexible jobs come in, woohoo!) And there are plenty who use daycare and feel guilty about it because their kids were sick a lot, or they did not adjust well, or even if they did adjust well, they were missing out on a lot of other things, or whatever. The PP was making that SAHM sound like a wacko for voicing that sentiment when it's not really such an uncommonly held view. It's not like she was one of these moms that came on here and said, "children need a SAHM to thrive" or "if you didn't want to parent, why did you have kids", or something.

x1000. So many crazy things are said on DCUM pro and against being a SAHM. Shame that people can't support reasonable statements and instead jump on them because they threaten their decisions and worldviews.

I left a very inflexible workplace when my kids were 2 and 5. I had gone down to PT which meant I was getting paid less, doing as much work, but was paying for flex (I didn't have to go in every day but I still ended up working some hours of those days). I definitely thought about quitting.

I left for a MUCH more flexible culture and it was GAME CHANGING. This was 6 years pre pandemic but the company was very WFH friendly and I'd typically go in 2-3 days a week. When I did go in, I'd often leave at 3:30 or 4 to beat traffic and finish up at home. Also had a ton of PTO.

I loved that job, though after 7 years I wasn't growing anymore so found a new, totally WFH job last year and I'm enjoying it. I make around $200K a year so I feel very lucky to have the flex and a good salary. My type of work lends itself to remote work though - I do a blend of data analysis and a lot of writing. I'm sure it would be harder to find flexible jobs if you are in something like sales, or something that involves a lot of client handholding.

If you can figure out a way to find more flex or go PT, I would keep your foot in the door.

Women become victims because of their own fear. They choose the wrong man to have kids with. If they are capable of having kids on their own, if they are capable of earning their own living - very often, these are the women who will end up becoming SAHMs with high earning DHs who also are equal partners. These women do not get asked to go back to work when the kids leave the nest. They may choose to do so for their own sake but these women do not get victimized.

The women who get victimized are the ones who chose the terrible men to marry (or were forced to marry them) and then chose to have a baby (or did not get aborted) knowing fully well that the DH was an a-hole.

Whey do women feel that catering to men who would become InCel is their duty? Have high standards for yourself and be willing to be on your own. You will not attract the worms.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I firmly believe that all women should have a means of being self-supporting at all stages of life. I've seen far too many marriages fail, especially after the kids have grown and launched. This is when SAHM often are at the losing end of the game.

If something were to happen to your marriage, would you be able to survive? Not just near term but when you are older. I hope you have your own healthy retirement plan in place.

Most of us do. Most women who SAH worked and saved to be able to do so and many will work again. It's rarely either/or. And there are protections in place so he doesn't get to keep all the fruits of the marriage either. The cases I've seen go bad for women are where the wife is abused and the husband screws her over with threats and outright theft. I don't think you should plan your children's care based on the likelihood of that level of crime happening to you.

Anonymous wrote:OP, I firmly believe that all women should have a means of being self-supporting at all stages of life. I've seen far too many marriages fail, especially after the kids have grown and launched. This is when SAHM often are at the losing end of the game.

If something were to happen to your marriage, would you be able to survive? Not just near term but when you are older. I hope you have your own healthy retirement plan in place.

I do agree with this and I am a sahm. I have my own financial assets. I know a few women whose husbands control all the money and seem like jerks. I don’t say anything but I would not stay home indefinitely in their shoes. There are also women whose husbands make enough to support them but likely not enough to fully fund both retirements. This does not seem like a situation where wife should continue to not work and depend solely on her husband regardless of whether marriage is in tact.

OP, I firmly believe that all women should have a means of being self-supporting at all stages of life. I've seen far too many marriages fail, especially after the kids have grown and launched. This is when SAHM often are at the losing end of the game.

If something were to happen to your marriage, would you be able to survive? Not just near term but when you are older. I hope you have your own healthy retirement plan in place.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

And some kids adjust great to "group care." My kid loved daycare from day 1.

Cool. Yes, I know that plenty of kids do. But there are lots of parents out there -- both those that SAH and also those that WOH or WFH -- who do not want to put their young kids, particularly infants and toddlers, in a daycare setting, especially for long hours. (This is where flexible jobs come in, woohoo!) And there are plenty who use daycare and feel guilty about it because their kids were sick a lot, or they did not adjust well, or even if they did adjust well, they were missing out on a lot of other things, or whatever. The PP was making that SAHM sound like a wacko for voicing that sentiment when it's not really such an uncommonly held view. It's not like she was one of these moms that came on here and said, "children need a SAHM to thrive" or "if you didn't want to parent, why did you have kids", or something.

I’m the pp and my kids got sick from daycare ALL the time. They rarely ever got sick once they went to elementary.

I have a younger child I had after I stayed home. I was a bit of a germophobe even before Covid. My youngest has never been really sick. Even when she had Covid, she was asymptomatic. I can’t even remember a time she had a fever and she is now 5. Sure, she has had a sniffle here and there. I’m sure she will catch all sorts of bugs now that she is in elementary.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

And some kids adjust great to "group care." My kid loved daycare from day 1.

I’m the pp who said I had mom guilt. We made many wonderful friends when my kids went to that daycare. My son who sobbed for the first month eventually had a BFF that we became good family friends with. We hung out all the time and traveled together. My kid wasn’t scarred or anything. I don’t think he remembers the days he used to cry. I remember. I remember his sad face and how horrible I felt.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This whole thread is so cringe worthy. Full of self-congratulatory “retired” SAHM’s. I am a SAHM but you all make us sounds insufferable. Please stop.

Who is us?

You can’t group SAHMs together. Every mom is her unique person and another family’s situation has nothing to do with her.

Some people work for money. Others for personal fulfillment.

Some moms are ok with putting kids in daycare all day. I hated sending my kids to daycare even though my kids went to a great one and had a lot of fun with their friends. I still have mom guilt from those days.

This is what is cringe worthy. You still have “mom guilt” over sending your kids to a daycare they loved? Do you even hear yourself? How that sounds to other people. Good thing you married a high earner to save your from your “guilt.”

Yes, I sent my kids sick to daycare all winter. I wish I stopped working before. I am entitled to my feelings. I couldn’t make it to one of the few events my daycare had and my kid would cry because I couldn’t come.

Yeah, I'm a FT WOHM/WFH mom who loves her job. I have no desire to become a SAHM. I don't think this is that cringe worthy. I was never comfortable with (and did not use) full-time group care for mine when they were infants and toddlers.

And some kids adjust great to "group care." My kid loved daycare from day 1.

Cool. Yes, I know that plenty of kids do. But there are lots of parents out there -- both those that SAH and also those that WOH or WFH -- who do not want to put their young kids, particularly infants and toddlers, in a daycare setting, especially for long hours. (This is where flexible jobs come in, woohoo!) And there are plenty who use daycare and feel guilty about it because their kids were sick a lot, or they did not adjust well, or even if they did adjust well, they were missing out on a lot of other things, or whatever. The PP was making that SAHM sound like a wacko for voicing that sentiment when it's not really such an uncommonly held view. It's not like she was one of these moms that came on here and said, "children need a SAHM to thrive" or "if you didn't want to parent, why did you have kids", or something.