Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to change this practice without generating a negative response from her. Accept it as the cost of change. Your DH should run interference with his family with a response along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us" and "just because that doesn't work for us doesn't mean we don't love Larla". Rinse, repeat. At some point, he should be prepared to say, 'I told you that doesn't work for us. Stop bringing it up." Then, any time they do, just look at them and change the subject.

BUT is it DH doing this to his sister, or his wife who has decided for the both of them that the family plans are now only to be their family, and not his family. Wedge driver.

Anonymous wrote:There is no way to change this practice without generating a negative response from her. Accept it as the cost of change. Your DH should run interference with his family with a response along the lines of, "that doesn't work for us" and "just because that doesn't work for us doesn't mean we don't love Larla". Rinse, repeat. At some point, he should be prepared to say, 'I told you that doesn't work for us. Stop bringing it up." Then, any time they do, just look at them and change the subject.

Anonymous wrote:You are not a good SIL. She is family. You owe her a connection, no questions asked. You're dumping her over the holidays. That really, really sucks.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

Honestly this. Work it to your and their advantage. Single childless aunts love to spoil nieces and nephews. College funds?

Nothing wrong with wanting some nuclear family only time, but your DH should take the lead here ehas to be in agreement.

I honestly just think you don't like her and think you're better than her because you're married with kids. Your phrasing of DHs parents was weird.

Good luck. I hope you are able to find a low drama solution

Come on now, not all single women are great aunts, especially those who have obvious social deficits. There is nothing wrong with putting some reasonable limits on visits. Let her complain to MIL and FIL but stand firm, OP.

This. Expecting to “milk” this situation is unrealistic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

Honestly this. Work it to your and their advantage. Single childless aunts love to spoil nieces and nephews. College funds?

Nothing wrong with wanting some nuclear family only time, but your DH should take the lead here ehas to be in agreement.

I honestly just think you don't like her and think you're better than her because you're married with kids. Your phrasing of DHs parents was weird.

Good luck. I hope you are able to find a low drama solution

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yikes. I have a never-married, no kids sitter who relies a lot on my family for emotional and some financial support. I admit there are times I’d rather spend a holiday with just DH and the kids but my sister has nobody else. And she gets so much joy out of hanging with my kids, even now as tweens. I can relate to OP but I also think you sound mean OP. Put yourself in her shoes.

And spinster?! Come on. Any of us could have ended up there.

DP,

Give me a break . I have lots of friends in their 40’s and 50’s who have never married and do not have kids. Most have thriving careers, busy jobs, Some Are retired early and most are very active in various organizations, clubs, and have hobbies. Right now a group of them are traveling around the world together. having fun so everybody who has never married or doesn’t have kids is not sitting up sucking off the teat of their family is the only focus of their life enjoyment.
These people need to grow up and get a life.

“ sucking off the teat of their family”

What an absolutely weird way to discuss family spending time together.

That’s what it is, it’s not spending time, it’s dependency. There is a difference.

There's nothing wrong with being dependent on family. What have we come to when direct siblings are over stepping by depending on each other -- over the holidays no less. What a bizarre attitude.

Enjoying time together, liking to spend time together, and valuing time spent together is not “dependence.”

My siblings and parents and I enjoy and value time together. We like it. We choose it.

We do not use family as a crutch to fill holidays because we haven’t developed other healthy relationships—with significant others, friends, neighbors, coworkers, volunteer organizations, churches, community groups, etc., etc.

Imagine thinking of family as a crutch DURING the HOLIDAYS because you haven’t developed relationships with your coworkers, neighbors, and volunteer groups.

If you invest no time, effort or care into your family for 363 days a year, please GTFO with expecting them to stay in town instead of going on vacation just to be with your miserable arse on the holidays. We’re talking you turn down invitations to dinners, outings, other family events like birthdays or baptisms, don’t respond to texts, don’t participate in care of elderly parents, etc. Your family doesn’t exist to be props on Thanksgiving and Christmas.

Have fun with your strawman!

Anonymous wrote:OP you are should be using this FOR GOOD. A single, childless auntie is a literal GOD SEND for your kids. Nurture this relationship and you may be able to send your kids to "Auntie camp" over the summer and other fun things.

You are blowing it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So you feel no obligation to a family member who has no one and is lonely over the holidays? How lovely. And what a lovely way to model to your children being a kind, empathetic person. Then again, we could always use another ruthlessly self interested person -- on the roads, in the grocery store, at work -- so we look forward to your DC growing up and joining society. The board approves.

Go away, shrew.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am sort of like SIL. I'm single with no kids and not much money. I live near my brother and his family. If they invite me for holidays, I go. If they don't, I am home alone. Am I sad that they're going to Mexico over Thanksgiving and going to meet my SIL's family there and nobody invited me? Yes. Will I complain to other family members about it? No. That's not my way. I'll just be a little sad by myself but mostly just fine, having the same kind of evening/weekend I normally have.

An honest question- why do you think you should or would be invited to join your SIL and her family for thanksgiving in Mexico?

I don't. It'd just be nice to have been invited, that's all.

But don’t you feel like a third wheel intruding on their vacation?

So little empathy these days. After my paternal grandmother died, my mothers family went out of their way to include my bachelor uncle in holiday dinners so he wouldn’t be alone. Did they have to? Of course not. But it costs nothing to be kind. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes and think about how you would feel. But apparently that’s asking too much of our self-centered culture these days.

Anonymous wrote:I also have a late 40s SIL never married never dated no kids, and thankfully she doesn’t visit us often as the ball is in my DHs court with managing her and he has always said, “no, I don’t really like her” lol

She has living parents. And nieces from her half brother. And cats. We will make sure she is not alone but we are not responsible for her emotional failure to thrive or the fact that she has not developed interpersonal skills as an adult.