Anonymous wrote:It's on you. He only wanted 1.

he compromised and said two. It's on him, too. Did she trick him into getting pregnant?

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting how deep intensive parenting Stockholm Syndrome is when parents would rather advocate faking it than questioning the tenets of intensive parenting. Or advocate for only a select few to have children. I mean, really?

yes really. Parenting is hard. You are responsible for another human being. Unless you think we should parent like we did 200 years ago when children were seen but not heard, your adult life will be very much interrupted by your children.

I don't follow "intensive" parenting, but I also don't ignore my children and expect them to sit and be quiet all day.

My FIL doesn't like being a parent. It's obvious. When we visited with the kids when they were little he complained that they were loud. His wife said, "Yes, children are loud. You were never home so you don't realize". DH also recalls that his father was not interested in being an engaged parent. DH vowed to be a different type of parent even as he doesn't like it when the kids get too loud, either. But, he deals with it when friends are over.

Anonymous wrote:It’s interesting how deep intensive parenting Stockholm Syndrome is when parents would rather advocate faking it than questioning the tenets of intensive parenting. Or advocate for only a select few to have children. I mean, really?

I think that as adults, we need to get real about how many people 8n the world were genuinely hurt and warped by neglectful or abusive parenting. So yeah, I’m on board with only a select few doing it.

It's on you. He only wanted 1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo others that need needs to grow the eff up. And no, just because you settled on two doesn't mean all the work is on you. He wasn't tricked. Loser.

+1 it's not like she tied him down and raped him to get pregnant, or tricked him by saying she was on the pill.

He knew what he was doing. Grow the F* up and take responsibility for your kids even if you don't like the kid stage.

+1

This is how my mom tries to explain my father’s behavior away to me and it makes me ragey. “Not liking the kid stage” isn’t an excuse for being absent, neglectful, withholding, rude, mean, etc. to your innocent children.

One time when I was around 10-11, he held his hand out for me to hold it as we were crossing a street. We never held hands so I thought it was weird but I was like ok so I take his hand. He then drops mine and says “I was just kidding, you’re too old to hold hands.”

This sounds petty right but coming from a man who never hugged or cuddled me, told me he loved me at an age where I could remember it, spent time with me without my mother around, paid me attention, who was constantly shushing me, telling me not to ask for things or take second helpings etc., it was crushing. It stayed with me.

Anonymous wrote:PSA again: most men just shouldn't have kids.

99% of men have kids because the women want the kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a father like this. He wasn’t abusive but he made it clear that he didn’t want kids and never wanted to do fun things with us, give us treats, etc. He’d make jokes at our expense. He rarely hugged us and never said I love you. My mom thought this was normal as men supposedly “aren’t into parenting.” Bull.

We barely speak now. He doesn’t even remember my birthday or how old I am. Sometimes he’ll text me on Mother’s Day. We “keep in touch” through my mother. When my mom drags him to family events at my house or my kids’ games, he’s always itching to get away. It’s rude and hurtful, tbf.

It’s more serious than people are saying in this thread. If this man wants a relationship with his children when they are adults, he needs to lay the foundation now.

Me again. The crazy thing is, he probably sees himself as a good father. My mother knows I feel this way and she knows better than to try to sing his praises as a father to me. We had a big fight about it once after he acted inappropriately to me during a visit with my kids and she was like, yeah I see your point.

Bottom line is, he shouldn’t have had kids but he did it to make my mom happy. Ok fine but what about the actual kids who are people who matter too? Growing up with a parent who doesn’t show interest in you/makes you feel like a burden is tough. It wrecks your self esteem.

My MIL got pregnant with my H so her H would stay. He stayed until my H finished college and left 2 weeks after graduation. FIL always and blatantly favored the older sibling and continues to do so and pretty much takes care of the siblings' kids too. It's still so hard for my H.

It’s interesting how deep intensive parenting Stockholm Syndrome is when parents would rather advocate faking it than questioning the tenets of intensive parenting. Or advocate for only a select few to have children. I mean, really?

Anonymous wrote:I'll echo others that need needs to grow the eff up. And no, just because you settled on two doesn't mean all the work is on you. He wasn't tricked. Loser.

+1 it's not like she tied him down and raped him to get pregnant, or tricked him by saying she was on the pill.

He knew what he was doing. Grow the F* up and take responsibility for your kids even if you don't like the kid stage.

PSA again: most men just shouldn't have kids.

“He doesn’t yell or swear, it’s just like all these sighs and comments and facial expressions, this misery that disappears when he’s not with kids, but returns whenever he’s with them for more than 10 min.”

This is a problem. My dad was the same way (except he did yell). He made it obvious that he could barely tolerate us and that he’d rather do anything else then spend time with us.

My mom thought that as long as he didn’t actually hit us, it was fine but it’s NOT. Your DH needs therapy stat or your kids will suffer, guaranteed.

Anonymous wrote:I don't fault people for not wanting kids. Kids are hard! I fault people for not wanting kids and then having them. Pregnancy is 100% avoidable. Once you have them you need to suck it up and pretend to like it.

+1

Listen to the adults in here who had these types of childhood experiences. Rejection from a parent is a core wound that a person will carry for the rest of their life. Even intensive therapy can only do so much with that kind of pain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m the same as your DH except I’m the mom. I didn’t compromise though-I believed I wanted a 2nd. I just severely underestimated how hard it would be.

I just didn’t expect it to be this hard. I didn’t expect to hate it this much.

I’m getting therapy and taking antidepressants. But I’m not sure they are actually helping. There isn’t a pill that will make me like parenting.

I try to hide my negativity, but that takes it’s toll too.

I do love my kids, so so much. They are really wonderful beings.

But I’m not sure I should have had them or that I’d do this all again.

I'm in the same boat as you. So surprised how hard it is after the cute baby phase. I have two boys and one has special needs and other is adhd so it adds on to why I am so depressed and find no joy in being a parent. Husband is never around to help, always working or doing his own thing. He says he loves having kids but never around to parent them. Feel bad for our kids.

Similar situation. I try to find joy in the little moments and am letting the small stuff go. It's still so hard. I hope we both get some peace soon. You aren't alone.

I don't fault people for not wanting kids. Kids are hard! I fault people for not wanting kids and then having them. Pregnancy is 100% avoidable. Once you have them you need to suck it up and pretend to like it.

Anonymous wrote:Children used to be about survival. Extra ones were left to die. That’s our species.

Todays children are basically unemployed. Parents are supposed to somehow have the bandwidth to pour unlimited amounts of love and nurturing into them to make them into emotionally intelligent adults. Parents do this while trying to make it in a capitalist society.

Talking about this isn’t bad. Especially here.

I think the OPs husband could benefit from discussing these things with a therapist.

It is a big ask. But that’s why it’s so great that fewer people are having kids. You should only have them if you really, really, really want them and you know you have the time, resources, and knowledge (or willingness to learn) to not f@ck it up.

Hopefully, this means there are less hurt people in the world in the next generations.