Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 16:47     Subject: Re:Paying for destination wedding
Anonymous wrote:It's the putting it on the credit card thing that's making me nervous. If spending this money meant you'd have to skip one of your many family trips this year or something, I'd say that of course you should do it. But it really sounds untenable. I'd probably offer to pay for the parents but no one else. SIL really does need to reconsider the location if no one can afford to come.

Once we became fairly affluent, we began gifting things like trips and cell phones to DH's LMC family members. Once we got a big bonus and we sent BIL a check just to spread the joy. But these things have always been initiated by us. I'd rather help out my family than have a nice handbag or go on a 7th grip of the year, you know? But if you don't have this money lying around, you're just robbing Peter to pay Paul.


OMG. Does your BIL still speak to you? I would never take a handout from my sibling. Gross and so demeaning!
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 16:43     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
Anonymous wrote:OP, it is weird that your DH’s family is so unable to talk to the sister.

She needs to know what pressure she is putting on the family, and decide if she wants her PARENTS there or be married in the Caribbean.


+100 Do you know what credit card interest would be on $8000 and how long it would take you to pay it off? This is a horrible idea.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 16:23     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Completely absurd that no one seems to be speaking up. OP, it’s unfortunate and telling that your husband is willing to sacrifice his own nuclear family’s financial security for this boondoggle.


Citation needed. OP said they can afford it she'd just rather spend the money elsewhere.


OP here. We make the most of all the siblings… but it’s a stretch for us too. These funds would go on our credit cards. We’d be able to pay it in a few months but don’t have the cash now. It’s frustrating to me that DH thinks it’s a no-brainer that we hand over thousands of dollars for everyone to go on an international trip that they can’t afford. I feel like he should talk to his sister about it but he doesn’t want to put a strain on their wedding.


With this update, I'd say hell to the no. It's one thing if you have the fund. It's quite another to put it on credit card.

H's reason would not fly with me. He doesn't want to put a strain on his sister's wedding? How about the health and well being of his own marriage? would he care about that?

This is a battle I'd actually pick.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 16:17     Subject: Re:Paying for destination wedding
It's the putting it on the credit card thing that's making me nervous. If spending this money meant you'd have to skip one of your many family trips this year or something, I'd say that of course you should do it. But it really sounds untenable. I'd probably offer to pay for the parents but no one else. SIL really does need to reconsider the location if no one can afford to come.

Once we became fairly affluent, we began gifting things like trips and cell phones to DH's LMC family members. Once we got a big bonus and we sent BIL a check just to spread the joy. But these things have always been initiated by us. I'd rather help out my family than have a nice handbag or go on a 7th grip of the year, you know? But if you don't have this money lying around, you're just robbing Peter to pay Paul.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 15:17     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
If you don’t have enough money to easily cover it without borrowing on credit cards, you should not help anyone out.

Do you have kids yet? I have a friend who was in a situation similar to yours. Her DH was constantly spending money he didn’t have on his parents. They had no college savings for their kid, could not get ahead financially because his parents kept spending their money. They eventually divorced.

I would seriously reconsider my marriage based on what I have read here. I may be projecting, but the words you are using sound awfully familiar to me.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 15:09     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
OP, it is weird that your DH’s family is so unable to talk to the sister.

She needs to know what pressure she is putting on the family, and decide if she wants her PARENTS there or be married in the Caribbean.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 14:53     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
If you have to borrow money to pay for something optional, you opt out.

And how on earth is talking to the sister an unreasonable imposition on her time? She isn't planning some big, complicated wedding. She's taking a trip during which she will get married. Practically no guests.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 14:05     Subject: Re:Paying for destination wedding
Anonymous wrote:Is SIL your DHs sister? So the parents in question are DH's parents? If that's the case then I might help them out. If it's a more remote relation then no way.
+1
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 14:04     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Completely absurd that no one seems to be speaking up. OP, it’s unfortunate and telling that your husband is willing to sacrifice his own nuclear family’s financial security for this boondoggle.


Citation needed. OP said they can afford it she'd just rather spend the money elsewhere.


OP here. We make the most of all the siblings… but it’s a stretch for us too. These funds would go on our credit cards. We’d be able to pay it in a few months but don’t have the cash now. It’s frustrating to me that DH thinks it’s a no-brainer that we hand over thousands of dollars for everyone to go on an international trip that they can’t afford. I feel like he should talk to his sister about it but he doesn’t want to put a strain on their wedding.


Yeah no, this is ridiculous and I can't believe your DH thinks it's a good idea. However, if you want to meet your DH halfway on this, he takes and pays for his parents, you (and the other siblings) stay home. It doesn't have to be all or nothing and I could see how it might feel important for him to take his parents.
Anonymous
Post 08/12/2022 13:23     Subject: Paying for destination wedding
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP has SIL demanded or asked you to pay for any of this? Does she actually want family there?


No, she hasn’t asked… I’m not even sure if she knows that her parents/siblings have asked us for help paying. No one wants to bother her about it because she’s getting married. I think it’s selfish of her to do a destination wedding without clarifying if she doesn’t expect everyone to be there. They initially picked out an adults-only resort, but a couple family members have kids and no one to leave kids with while they are out of the country so they changed to a resort that allows kids. It seems like they are just a little bit oblivious


She probably is oblivious, not a bridezilla. If her parents are not upfront about their financials, it probably wouldn't be a concern of hers.

I'm team - DH talks to sister, or you press him to say no to family and they will all figure it out. A credit card payment for months is not reasonable, is he going to give some spending money to everyone too? AI or not you need money, passports, transportation, attire, etc.