Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

You'd be a lot happier if you stopped nagging, stopped caring, and stopped all the bean-counting about who does what.

I've thought about this- a lot. Can I just learn to stop caring, focus on what I have, be grateful that I have kids to take care of, milk and food in the fridge etc, and enjoy bath time and nail cutting time and all that jazz.
I've thought about trying it out for a week.
But I dont know. I'm not sure how or why I should just grit my teeth and do MORE for us, while he does more for HIM. Just silently handle all the school forms, supply lists, uniform orders, next diaper sizes shoe orders etc. I'm sure I could go along and do anything for a week or a month. But isn't that just living in denial or with wool over my eyes? Leading to an eventual and predictable explosion.

I have handled so much for so long on the home front, that it is expected and totally devoid of appreciation or acknowledgement. He expects that it will get done, by me.

I honeslty wish he would walk out the door and never come back. I married the wrong person and I feel stuck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.

This. Why do they think their time is more valuable that they dont even need to try? Why do they think we are admin assistants?

Anonymous wrote:NP and omg my DH is the same way and it drives me nuts. I just tried some of the suggested responses in this thread and it went about as well as you would expect:

DH: (storms into the room) "Do you know where the light bulbs are?"
Me: "No, did you look for them?"
DH: (already frustrated) "Well I'm not trying to look a million places if you know where they are!"
Me: "Okay, so where have you looked so far?"
DH: (now pissed) "I didn't look anywhere yet, okay?!"
Me: "Okay, well I don't know either"
DH: (Haphazardly rummages through a couple drawers barely looking and storms off)

I can't do this forever. Biding my time until I can leave him.

Anonymous wrote:Get in front of asking -
Hey - I saw there was an email from daycare. Anything I need to know from it?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

You'd be a lot happier if you stopped nagging, stopped caring, and stopped all the bean-counting about who does what.

I've thought about this- a lot. Can I just learn to stop caring, focus on what I have, be grateful that I have kids to take care of, milk and food in the fridge etc, and enjoy bath time and nail cutting time and all that jazz.
I've thought about trying it out for a week.
But I dont know. I'm not sure how or why I should just grit my teeth and do MORE for us, while he does more for HIM. Just silently handle all the school forms, supply lists, uniform orders, next diaper sizes shoe orders etc. I'm sure I could go along and do anything for a week or a month. But isn't that just living in denial or with wool over my eyes? Leading to an eventual and predictable explosion.

I have handled so much for so long on the home front, that it is expected and totally devoid of appreciation or acknowledgement. He expects that it will get done, by me.

I honeslty wish he would walk out the door and never come back. I married the wrong person and I feel stuck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

You'd be a lot happier if you stopped nagging, stopped caring, and stopped all the bean-counting about who does what.

I've thought about this- a lot. Can I just learn to stop caring, focus on what I have, be grateful that I have kids to take care of, milk and food in the fridge etc, and enjoy bath time and nail cutting time and all that jazz.
I've thought about trying it out for a week.
But I dont know. I'm not sure how or why I should just grit my teeth and do MORE for us, while he does more for HIM. Just silently handle all the school forms, supply lists, uniform orders, next diaper sizes shoe orders etc. I'm sure I could go along and do anything for a week or a month. But isn't that just living in denial or with wool over my eyes? Leading to an eventual and predictable explosion.

I have handled so much for so long on the home front, that it is expected and totally devoid of appreciation or acknowledgement. He expects that it will get done, by me.

I honeslty wish he would walk out the door and never come back. I married the wrong person and I feel stuck.

You make more money than him — you are not stuck

I'm not sure how or why I should just grit my teeth and do MORE for us, while he does more for HIM. Just silently handle all the school forms, supply lists, uniform orders, next diaper sizes shoe orders etc. I'm sure I could go along and do anything for a week or a month. But isn't that just living in denial or with wool over my eyes? Leading to an eventual and predictable explosion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

You'd be a lot happier if you stopped nagging, stopped caring, and stopped all the bean-counting about who does what.

I've thought about this- a lot. Can I just learn to stop caring, focus on what I have, be grateful that I have kids to take care of, milk and food in the fridge etc, and enjoy bath time and nail cutting time and all that jazz.
I've thought about trying it out for a week.
But I dont know. I'm not sure how or why I should just grit my teeth and do MORE for us, while he does more for HIM. Just silently handle all the school forms, supply lists, uniform orders, next diaper sizes shoe orders etc. I'm sure I could go along and do anything for a week or a month. But isn't that just living in denial or with wool over my eyes? Leading to an eventual and predictable explosion.

I have handled so much for so long on the home front, that it is expected and totally devoid of appreciation or acknowledgement. He expects that it will get done, by me.

I honeslty wish he would walk out the door and never come back. I married the wrong person and I feel stuck.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, so you make more money. Honestly, did you settle because you were getting older and panicky? And now you are realizing not a good match?

I repeat my earlier advice - have some good steamy sex. If that also sucks, then its going to be hard to adjust your attitude

The exact opposite. Been together since college.

The traits that Were exciting to me then, I now view as unstable
The quirks that were curious to me then, I now view as liabilities
The niggling doubts I had then, I now realize were red flags

I am simply not the same person I was at 21.

When did you get married? At 21? You seem like you want someone to blame for your frustrations, but the examples you give don't seem like a huge problem. My guess is that you are struggling with a realization of mediocrity and looking for someone to blame. You married the guy and had kids with him. Find a way to improve the situations. Divorcing because someone asks about milk is not going to help you or your kids or anyone else.

Married at 28. Here are my other frustrations beyond milK
- dh is probably an alcoholic
- was underemployed by choice for years. Refused to apply for jobs bc they were beneath him. Wanted to hold out for a dream job. As I begged him to take something for income because I was holding down the bills for years as the only consistent income
- dh has a dysfunctional family of origin situation that he refuses to acknowledge. The more dysfunctional it is, the more he Leans in.
- dh is not emotionally stable. The highs are high and the lows are low.

Reasons 1, 3, and 4…I saw glimpses of during our dating years. But I didn’t want to see them. Also, in your 20s drinking a little too much seems like a fun time. Higher highs compared to my pretty stable personality seemed quirky different and a little exciting. I didn’t have the life experience or wisdom to appreciate the impact of family drama or dysfunction.

I simply have different perspective 15 years later. Older, wiser, no room or patience for bs with young kids.

If we met at 35, This wouid have never progressed.


Reasons

Well you certainly buried the lede then. It is odd that you wouldn't mention these issues, and instead focus on the milk.

This was my mother. My dad was quite narcissistic, drank too much, and verbally abused her. Instead of dealing with that, she would lose her mind when he left the lid off the jelly jar or some other silly thing. That allowed him to say “see, you are the problem and the crazy one.” I wished the would divorce. Instead she dropped dead at 66 and never was really happy. It was a terrible model for her three daughters.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. I am starting to view it as a fundamental lack of respect for me and my time. Literally he won’t make the effort to walk over to the fridge and see if we have milk? Can’t be bothered to do anything himself- forget foresight and thinking ahead of what needs to be done.

I legitimately have to ask him to clean up after himself. I cannot imagine doing this for another ten years. Forget till we are old I’ll end up trying to stick a fork in his eye

This is a very dangerous road to drive yourself down... resentment-fueled narrative. Been there, done that, bought the tee shirt. What are his redeeming qualities? Pobody is nerfect. I say this as someone with 5 kids, 3 cross country moves and family deaths shared in our marriage. Now I expect nothing in terms of house cleaning because he carries the load in many other ways. Have some hot sex, let go of the lame ass family admin stress and try to appreciate his good points. My husband is a slob but never questions my spending, has gorgeous full head of hair, takes care of all snow removal (new england) and puts us before his family of origin. Good luck, its not easy

I guess that’s the point. I don’t see the loads he carries. I don’t see how my life is better with him in it. I make more money, I’m educated, I can confidently take care of kids solo, etc. every thing about him seems to be a hassle or instrument of stress.

Maybe try not looking at everything from your selfish perspective? Do the kids like him? Is he a good father to them? My guess is that there are plenty of things he does that are a benefit to your family, but you seem stuck looking at this like you are a martyr. The use of "mental load" is the biggest tell in posts like this. I mean, is it really a big "mental load" to answer whether there is something in the fridge if you know the answer? How absurd.

He’s a good father for the fun stuff, does bare minimum for basics. Not on his radar to give bath or cut nails or order diapers etc. obviously this isn’t just about what’s I the refrigerator…

It’s what it all represents and how he treats me. I’m the default. Assumes that I have it handled or should. Yet no thanks or appreciation that I have. It’s the fact that he treats me like a traditional sahm in terms of expectations yet I’ve outearned him for years. It’s the telling me “you taking 5 seconds to give me info vs my taking 5 min to figure it out…which makes more sense”

It’s that I don’t respect him as a partner. These aren’t just my kids.

Have you tried discussing the a fair split of labor? Set up days/weeks where you alternate giving baths, cutting nails, etc. And ordering diapers? Come on. That takes five seconds. Obviously, we don't know the full accounting of work around the house and outside of the house, but this is something you should discuss rationally and calmly. Unless you just want to be angry.

Yes we’ve had this convo a million times, it seems. Made the charts and all. On his weeks/turns, it doesn’t get done unless I remind him. Reminding feels like/is interpreted as nagging. Having to remind makes me feel like I have another child. I want a functional adult partner.

You'd be a lot happier if you stopped nagging, stopped caring, and stopped all the bean-counting about who does what.