Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 15:11     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
I just read a book, the Self-Driven Child, in which this same scenario comes up. The authors’ opinion is that you should support your child in taking the year off. Encouraging your child’s autonomy will do the most for his future independence. Also, if you don’t support him he will probably take the year off later when it will have more impact.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 15:03     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The restaurant industry is intoxicating to a young adult. Rip him out fast, make him go back to school. I know way too many people personally who did just what your DS is proposing and serving tables 20 yrs later.


It's a legit concern, I also have 2 extended family members who "stopped" college "temporarily" and are still in food service without any different future, ie, not working toward management, etc.


Did they have parents who were willing to fund their college if they stopped after a year or two? A lot of people I know who stopped college temporarily didn't really have financial support for it in the first place. Or they did abysmally grade-wise.


Both did have financial support and all sibs in both families have at least college degrees.

Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 13:03     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:For most kids, a college degree isn’t what it used to be. The price is insane, even when parents pay it, it’s still insane. And ultimately stupid.


This is very true. Gen Z has learned there are plenty of jobs out there where they can make money and not be thousands in debt. They are poised to become the most entrepreneurial generation.

https://www.forbes.com/sites/bernhardschroeder/2020/02/18/a-majority-of-gen-z-aspires-to-be-entrepreneurs-and-perhaps-delay-or-skip-college-why-that-might-be-a-good-idea/?sh=38c2503d5a45

I have four kids: 21, 19, 17, and 15.

My 21 year old has an online shop where she sells stickers she designs and she's done this since she was 16. When she asked if she could do it, I was like sure, sure, sell your little stickers to friends and family because that's the only people I thought would buy them. But no, thousands of people have purchased from her and she made enough to buy her own new car at 17. She also does art commissions from time to time on her Instagram and has charged and received $800 for a painting. She also paints custom AF1s for people and some of those can sell for $200-$400 a pair!

My 19 year old and his best friend sell sneakers. They find them at thrift stores, restore them, and then resell them for a profit. He's been doing that since he was 14 or 15.



Are your kids paying taxes? Are their businesses providing healthcare, a retirement plan, paid vacation? I have sold on Ebay as a side gig for nearly 20 years. I think it is fun. It is VERY hard to run one of these businesses legally (i.e. hire people without paying them under the table and paying your own income taxes) and make enough $ to support yourself (especially in a HCOL area like the DMV). Even if you can pull in enough income to live every month, you are running your own business so nobody is subsidizing your health insurance, retirement, or providing paid vacation. It is great that they have an entrepreneurial spirit, but, let's have a realistic view of this kind of business. It is going to be a side gig for the vast majority of people.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 13:01     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The restaurant industry is intoxicating to a young adult. Rip him out fast, make him go back to school. I know way too many people personally who did just what your DS is proposing and serving tables 20 yrs later.


It's a legit concern, I also have 2 extended family members who "stopped" college "temporarily" and are still in food service without any different future, ie, not working toward management, etc.


Did they have parents who were willing to fund their college if they stopped after a year or two? A lot of people I know who stopped college temporarily didn't really have financial support for it in the first place. Or they did abysmally grade-wise.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 12:57     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Have him take classes at community college. If he coordinates with his school's advisor, they should all transfer without loss of credit. Make it a condition. That or he is paying rent etc

I worked at a restaurant when I was 19 and it's way way more fun than college. But I became friends with 45 year old waitress who had to support her kid and realized how miserable my future will be. I hope your son gets that visibility too...
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 12:53     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Sorry, OP - that is tough. I recommend you work with your DH on a compromise - call this a gap year, but make clear that if it lasts longer than a year, child will be responsible for the rent/insurance/cell. Totally appropriate to sit down with child a few months from now -show them the costs you are covering and put a marker on the wall for going back to school or being independent.

Another compromise would be to have child take one course at a community college while working at restaurant. To keep the education going.

But I agree with the PPs who say forcing the kid to go back now is not likely to work out.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 12:47     Subject: Re:DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!


It's call parenting.

Guiding them in the right direction...


It is called controlling and being overbearing.

This is almost as bad as the parents who want to control where their kids apply to college.


Telling a kid that drops out of college to wait tables that he is making a mistake and must pay his own bills is the opposite of controlling and overbearing.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 12:45     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Just look at it as a gap year that he delayed. There's no big deal.

If he doesn't go back in fall 2023, then you bring out the big guns of tough love. Make him move out, support himself, etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 12:45     Subject: Re:DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!


It's call parenting.

Guiding them in the right direction...


It is called controlling and being overbearing.

This is almost as bad as the parents who want to control where their kids apply to college.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 12:42     Subject: Re:DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
My kid just want to check out the dorm and come back home
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 10:48     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:The restaurant industry is intoxicating to a young adult. Rip him out fast, make him go back to school. I know way too many people personally who did just what your DS is proposing and serving tables 20 yrs later.


It's a legit concern, I also have 2 extended family members who "stopped" college "temporarily" and are still in food service without any different future, ie, not working toward management, etc.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 10:45     Subject: DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:I’m guessing drugs and/or a loser boyfriend or girlfriend are involved in this. What a disaster. This is why you don’t let your educated kids mix with unmotivated low class. No I’m not kidding.


Point.

I'm sorry, OP, it sounds really difficult. It's tricky to not just make him did in deeper.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 10:10     Subject: Re:DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:Guy friend of mine did that. Bragged about making $30k a year at 18. He's probably still making that at 50. He became a lifetime bartender.

Kids don't see that isn't a lot of $ in the grand scheme of things, but to an 18/19-year old..make it rain!


+1 I worked a summer job as a receptionist in college and I remember thinking that $50k (the annual salary if I worked full-time) was so much money and all the things I could have/do...it's definitely tempting when you've never had that much money in your pocket.

But long-term, being a receptionist for the rest of my life on a $50k salary was not going to make me happy.
Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 10:09     Subject: Re:DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I am in shock at these parents who think they CAN do something to control their adult children!


I’m surprised kids who want to drop out of college don’t understand what bills they will need to pay on their own.


Exactly.

A 1 bedroom apartment in the complex where I live is $2200/month right now. OP said her kid didn't pay for car insurance or his own phone. Car insurance for a 19 yo male is ~$300. A phone plan is ~$80. A car payment can easily be $400.

Anonymous
Post 07/28/2022 10:05     Subject: Re:DS doesn't want to return to college in a few weeks. What can we do??
I would give him the year to figure it out. The restaurant scene will probably get old. The things that make it fun and exciting are also stressful and tiring and might lead to burnout.

Or, maybe he will decide he loves the industry and want to pursue restaurant management or something similar. That can be a good career path too.