Two anecdotes.

First, my mom is going through this now, but slightly differently. She has two kids (me and my brother) but only I have kids (her only grandkids). We spoke with a lawyer and she is dividing some of her assets between us equally but my brother's will be in a trust for the benefit of the grandkids. During his lifetime he can use as needed (care, comfort, retirement supplement etc); however when he passes it will go to the grandkids. He is totally fine with this, esp as she is also leaving other unrestricted monies and frankly, with his job and income already, and no kids, he is in better shape than we are with college and all the kid expenses looming (one special needs kid in private school, therapy etc).

another anecdote. My mother had a cousin (call him cousin A). who just died, he never had kids. He had two first cousins, my mom and cousin B, who my mom is very close with (she never had siblings, he was the closest to her growing own). Cousin A left all his money (close to 700k) to my mom. My mom thought this was wrong, and gave half of it to cousin B, who has 6 grandkids (as opposed to my mom's two). Sometimes money tears apart a family, but in this case, my mom placed a greater value on harmony and felt it was the right thing to do. I honestly dont know if I would have done that. I definitely would have split with my sibling though...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any post that starts with "can i.." Troll.

No adult asks permissions and so many posts are worded this way that I'm certain this is a troll.

OP here. My other son ( not the dad of my autistic grandson) is not happy with this. In fact he is very upset that this is unfair. I told him how I divide my money is only my business.

You are already starting family drama OP. You have no idea what your sons or your other grandchildren will have happen in their lives. And, as I already said, you have no idea what your adult grandchild with autism will do with your money.

My nephew with autism used his inherited money to attract a golddigger who then divorced him when the money ran out. Some people with autism are fine making their own financial decisions and some aren't. The ones I happen to know aren't.

It's best to make your will and give the sons an equal share, and then the grandchildren an equal share, unless you want family squabbles to break out after your death. If your grandson with autism has fun blowing through your money in record time, it will not go down well.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any post that starts with "can i.." Troll.

No adult asks permissions and so many posts are worded this way that I'm certain this is a troll.

OP here. My other son ( not the dad of my autistic grandson) is not happy with this. In fact he is very upset that this is unfair. I told him how I divide my money is only my business.

But nonetheless you posted the question here … troll much?

By the way, if you are serious, just know you’ll be hated and revoked by those you’ve left out.

I'm surprised he is so upset. He is greedy, I told him that and now he is not speaking to me

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do that. They will hate each other for life.

What kind of people hate each other for life over money? Especially when it was the dead grandmother's decision? Seriously, I wonder about a lot of the people on this site. You would hate your sibling for life if your parent left them more money when they died? Really?

If they accepted the money? Yes.

If your sibling had a disabled child and many expenses you didn't have, you would hate your sibling?

No. Their child is their responsibility. Has nothing to do with me either way

You can buy I would not. The money may cause the grandchild with autism to spend on inappropriate things. I've seen it happen with my nephew, he ew through the money in no time. Unless the adult child's parents are irresponsible, I would leave it to them.

I'd set up trusts for all four grandsons and potentially put more into the trust for the child I thought would need more. If the estate is sizable, you'll also be able to leave property or other assets to your sons. There is no reason to do this all when you die though. Set up the trusts now. Communicate it to your sons and any adult grandchildren so they understand what you are doing. Just be honest and clear about it. There is a good reason for giving more money to your autistic grandchild. But it's weird to leave him money and not to designate any money for your other grandkids. I get why you would want to make sure he was taken care of more, but it's not like the options in life are autism or zero challenges. Your other grandsons will have their own obstacles in life and leaving them nothing (and assuming your sons will take care of them as needed) is strange to me, if you have the means to leave them something.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do that. They will hate each other for life.

What kind of people hate each other for life over money? Especially when it was the dead grandmother's decision? Seriously, I wonder about a lot of the people on this site. You would hate your sibling for life if your parent left them more money when they died? Really?

If they accepted the money? Yes.

If your sibling had a disabled child and many expenses you didn't have, you would hate your sibling?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Any post that starts with "can i.." Troll.

No adult asks permissions and so many posts are worded this way that I'm certain this is a troll.

OP here. My other son ( not the dad of my autistic grandson) is not happy with this. In fact he is very upset that this is unfair. I told him how I divide my money is only my business.

But nonetheless you posted the question here … troll much?

By the way, if you are serious, just know you’ll be hated and revoked by those you’ve left out.

Anonymous wrote:Any post that starts with "can i.." Troll.

No adult asks permissions and so many posts are worded this way that I'm certain this is a troll.

OP here. My other son ( not the dad of my autistic grandson) is not happy with this. In fact he is very upset that this is unfair. I told him how I divide my money is only my business.

Any post that starts with "can i.." Troll.

No adult asks permissions and so many posts are worded this way that I'm certain this is a troll.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do that. They will hate each other for life.

What kind of people hate each other for life over money? Especially when it was the dead grandmother's decision? Seriously, I wonder about a lot of the people on this site. You would hate your sibling for life if your parent left them more money when they died? Really?

If they accepted the money? Yes.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't do that. They will hate each other for life.

What kind of people hate each other for life over money? Especially when it was the dead grandmother's decision? Seriously, I wonder about a lot of the people on this site. You would hate your sibling for life if your parent left them more money when they died? Really?

No, but some would. BIL would carry a grudge forever if he thinks something is unfair to him.

Anonymous wrote:You can't do that. They will hate each other for life.

What kind of people hate each other for life over money? Especially when it was the dead grandmother's decision? Seriously, I wonder about a lot of the people on this site. You would hate your sibling for life if your parent left them more money when they died? Really?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping my MIL does this. Obviously I have a very biased viewpoint! My son has autism and our HHI is probably about half of my BIL’s. My BIL’s kids for various reasons not having to do with merit will likely be easily admitted to college with scholarships. While I expect my DS to go to college, the choice of college is going to be much more important and our options may be limited and more expensive (eg a smaller SLAC vs a giant state school). And we have BIG therapy bills that don’t look to be decreasing any time soon, and my earning capacity is limited because I need to stay in a very flexible job. Also we have to sell our house to move for school, so there goes our one well-appreciating asset.

On paper it might look unfair if MIL left more to our son, but I’m dearly hoping she at least funds a big chunk of college.

It would be unfair. Your child is your responsibility to deal with and fund. It's not on MIL to make things equal.

But things are unequal now - that’s the point. Obviously I do what I can to save, but the grandchildren are in no ways equal financially or in terms of need. There’s absolutely nothing morally wrong with a grandparent supporting a grandchild with additional needs. In fact most ethical analyses would say the opposite. Back when I was better off financially I would send money to support my grandmother and one sibling, but not anyone else in my family, because they needed it and the others did not.

Also it’s weird that you judge this “unfair.” The only way I can see it being unfair is if you think all descendants have a right to their parents’/grandparents’ money. Where does that entitlement come from? Why can the grandmother not decide to put her money where she thinks it will do the most good?

Exactly -- she could leave it all to a home for disabled cats, if she wanted. I just cannot imagine these people that would resent their disabled nephew or cousin receiving a little more money to assist them with their larger needs. My sister is spending a chunk of her kids' "inheritence" on helping support my parents, who have medical needs and no savings. I'm confident her kids -- who are more than capable of supporting themselves -- do not care.
Honestly, though, this all might go down better if the grandparents take 1/3 now and just use it to set up a trust for the autistic grandchild. Then it will not be so obvious--the will can then split what's less 50/50 with the adult kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am hoping my MIL does this. Obviously I have a very biased viewpoint! My son has autism and our HHI is probably about half of my BIL’s. My BIL’s kids for various reasons not having to do with merit will likely be easily admitted to college with scholarships. While I expect my DS to go to college, the choice of college is going to be much more important and our options may be limited and more expensive (eg a smaller SLAC vs a giant state school). And we have BIG therapy bills that don’t look to be decreasing any time soon, and my earning capacity is limited because I need to stay in a very flexible job. Also we have to sell our house to move for school, so there goes our one well-appreciating asset.

On paper it might look unfair if MIL left more to our son, but I’m dearly hoping she at least funds a big chunk of college.

It would be unfair. Your child is your responsibility to deal with and fund. It's not on MIL to make things equal.

But things are unequal now - that’s the point. Obviously I do what I can to save, but the grandchildren are in no ways equal financially or in terms of need. There’s absolutely nothing morally wrong with a grandparent supporting a grandchild with additional needs. In fact most ethical analyses would say the opposite. Back when I was better off financially I would send money to support my grandmother and one sibling, but not anyone else in my family, because they needed it and the others did not.

Also it’s weird that you judge this “unfair.” The only way I can see it being unfair is if you think all descendants have a right to their parents’/grandparents’ money. Where does that entitlement come from? Why can the grandmother not decide to put her money where she thinks it will do the most good?