Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

Nope. Groom also pays for alcohol and brunch next day.

And I agree with the last statement although many people won't.

I told mine to elope we can easily afford a wedding. What a waste of money. Take the money buy a house or a townhouse or a condo anything.

One of our kids has a wedding coming up and it's a combo of us chipping in some, the couple paying some and the other parents doing the same. We fully paid for college and gave each kid a used car to get them started, but can't afford to fully pay for an expensive wedding.

Not only am I looking at retirement from fed service soon, but a party isn't something I would choose to spend tens of thousands of dollars on.

Anonymous wrote:Couple pays for their own wedding. No discussion necessary.

This. I'd rather give them money for a deposit for a house rather than a wedding. My DH and I had a really cheap wedding, so I'm probably biased.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are Indian American and have a boy and a girl. We will be giving each $50K towards their wedding. They can use it any way they want to. We will attend the wedding as guests. They are dating White people. Our guess is that the other parents will not be contributing anything. We are not interested in giving anyone a Bollywood extravaganza on our dime.

Zero criticism, but just curious, would your position change if they were marrying other Indian Americans?

NP, I'm Indian too and I am also curious if PP would choose to give the big fat wedding if they were marrying Indian Americans.

My kids are young but I have already told them we cannot afford to throw a big bash like other friends have done. Encouraging my kids to do a small wedding. We may end up doing what the PP is doing and just give a set amount to do whatever they want to with it.

Anonymous wrote:Thinking back on all the weddings I've attended for 30 years I have to say the top two were in someone's backyard. Steamers, paper tablecloths, lights strung, etc with a lot of folks asking "What do you need? More chairs? What else?" There was so.much.joy. at those occasions. Everyone relaxed in their best-est clothes, the bride and groom gorgeous in the happiness of their day. So simple, no stuffiness, with so many friends and family contributing whatever they could.

I have been to all kinds of great weddings but I do remember one that was a potluck in the church basement and it was a really great wedding.

Anonymous wrote:We are Indian American and have a boy and a girl. We will be giving each $50K towards their wedding. They can use it any way they want to. We will attend the wedding as guests. They are dating White people. Our guess is that the other parents will not be contributing anything. We are not interested in giving anyone a Bollywood extravaganza on our dime.

Zero criticism, but just curious, would your position change if they were marrying other Indian Americans?

"But that’s still the etiquette rule and that will be the attitude of most parents of the groom. "

Honestly people that abide by this rule are gauche at this point since it's kind of ick to put all the cost on the bride's family as if it were olden times. I'm in the camp of giving both my kids the same amount of money for their wedding and it's up to them how the spend it & if they want to spend more. It won't be an amount to buy the wedding outright - it's highly unlikely they'll marry right out of college like i did so they can save up for the wedding they want.

We are Indian American and have a boy and a girl. We will be giving each $50K towards their wedding. They can use it any way they want to. We will attend the wedding as guests. They are dating White people. Our guess is that the other parents will not be contributing anything. We are not interested in giving anyone a Bollywood extravaganza on our dime.

Anonymous wrote:Back to this.<< All I’d like is a bit of polite gratitude from the groom’s family. “Thanks for doing this for the kids! It was a splendid day.”


Do you expect this from all the guests?

If you want the newlyweds to be grateful, I get it. You did something nice for them. But everyone else is just a guest, feeling guest-level gratitude>>

Just the groom’s parents would be fine. The newlyweds have expressed much gratitude.

But you did it for the newlyweds. Why should bystanders/observers, which the groom’s parents were, be grateful?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dh and I paid for our own wedding because we make more $$ than my parents did.

We told our daughter that we would give her x amount (a substantial five figure sum) for a wedding. She could have a small wedding and use the money for a down payment on a house (or whatever) or use it for a big wedding. She chose to spend it on the wedding, which was lovely, but she confided just a few years later that she regretted not using the money toward their house.

This is fine, but it’s also fine to insist on a wedding if you’re paying for it. It doesn’t have to be fungible, and they can always kindly decline. My parents paid for our wedding because they wanted to throw a big bash. They had a great time, so did we, everybody wins.

But ultimately if the couple does not want the big bash, then the parents shouldn't hold it over them. Parents can offer to pay and say they'd like the big bash, but should still provide the same assistance without strings attached for whatever the couple wants. I suspect many people would ultimately be happier with an extra $20K (or whatever the amount is) towards a home rather than a big party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents sat my fiancé and I down and said they’d pay 30k. They didn’t care what wedding we had or if we saved it all for a new home, but they wanted to be there to witness. They wrote us the check that night and had no strings attached. We spent 40k and had our entire families and friends present.

My in-laws didn’t say anything. Later on they mumbled something about a rehearsal dinner. Dh and I were super broke and could afford much (his car just died). We planned a rehearsal dinner we could afford- $350. And that is the only thing they gave us as a wedding gift. It also came a month after the wedding. Long after we paid off our credit card bill. Still perplexed by the whole thing. My In-laws barely covered their plate at our wedding. Whatever. They paid 50k and 70k for their daughters weddings a few years later. I never mentioned it but won’t do that to my son. My daughters and son will all get the same amount.

This is such an ugly expression.

+1

Sons and daughters get the same for a wedding from us: $0. Both have had K-12 private school, college, and grad school (upcoming) paid for by us. We will not contribute to the excesses of the wedding industry. If they want that, they can pay for it.

They did not choose private school, you did.

How greedy can you be? Paying for grad school will set those kids up for success far more than paying for a wedding will ever be. If someone was smart and good with money they would choose paid for grad school over a wedding. You can always scale the wedding appropriately to fit any budget, not so much with school which is a fixed cost.

Some people are so entitled! Parents can choose how to spend their money. They do not owe their kids a wedding. Most would agree that spending on education is probably the best thing a parent can do to set kids up for success. If adult kids want an expensive wedding they can find a way to pay for it. I find that people obsessed with a wedding that is more than they can afford often are not focused on the real purpose, which is to get married.

35 years ago, I had 2 weddings and we spent ~$6K. Church wedding with reception at the church, including a lunch and the other ceremony at a different location later that day. No alcohol as church didn't allow it and we were young and couldn't afford it. My parents gave us $2k and that was a huge stretch for them. In-laws could not afford to give us anything. Parents told me I had $300 to spend on a dress, if I wanted to spend more for something I would wear for 5 hours tops, then I could pay for it. So I found 2 dresses I loved---one was $100 the other $800 and I went with the $100 because it seemed silly to spend an extra $700 that I didn't have. We had an amazing day with friends and family and didn't end up in debt. Would have been stupid for us to spend $20K on a wedding and a huge party when we didn't have the money saved.

35 years later, still happily married and wouldn't change anything about our wedding. It's the adventure in life that matters most, not the one single day that "officially starts it all".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

This is 2022, not 1922!

We have 3 kids (mix of boys/girls), and have saved/earmarked $50k for each of their weddings. If the other family contributes too, great. If they elope and use the money towards a house, great. If they want to use just our funds, or add to it, great. Their wedding, their lives, their choices. ZERO judgment from us.

Bully fir you. But that’s still the etiquette rule and that will be the attitude of most parents of the groom. If you get offered more … great!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Daughter just got engaged!! How soon do we start the who will pay for what discussions. Do we start with our daughter or the couple together. Any suggestions? p.s. we have never met future inlaws and it would require a plane ride to meet in person.

Groom pays for rehearsal dinner.

Bride pays for every thing else.

If both have been working for awhile, parents should not even have to pay for weddings.

Why are you promoting this ridiculously antiquated arrangement?
-Mom of three boys

If the wives never plan to work, 1 wedding is a small price to pay to take her off of daddy’s bank roll the rest of her life.

Anonymous wrote:Thinking back on all the weddings I've attended for 30 years I have to say the top two were in someone's backyard. Steamers, paper tablecloths, lights strung, etc with a lot of folks asking "What do you need? More chairs? What else?" There was so.much.joy. at those occasions. Everyone relaxed in their best-est clothes, the bride and groom gorgeous in the happiness of their day. So simple, no stuffiness, with so many friends and family contributing whatever they could.

This is pretty much what we did last month with DD's wedding. It was in a lovely huge yard of a relative of the groom (that was a huge gift and I thanked them profusely). We're modest blue collar folks and probably spent less than many here but for us it wasn't small change. Ex and I put in 6k, and paid for her dress, DD and new DH put in about 2k, my folks paid for flowers as the wedding gift, and groom's extended family paid for the alcohol. They also did a simple summer meal of cold cuts and stuff for the rehearsal dinner on a gorgeous summer evening outside on the deck. Friends of the couple bartended and we all helped set up and take down everything.

My dd was so happy and everyone had a good, fun time. If she had wanted a formal wedding at a venue, we'd of tried to make it happen but it would have been very small.

Back to this.<< All I’d like is a bit of polite gratitude from the groom’s family. “Thanks for doing this for the kids! It was a splendid day.”


Do you expect this from all the guests?

If you want the newlyweds to be grateful, I get it. You did something nice for them. But everyone else is just a guest, feeling guest-level gratitude>>

Just the groom’s parents would be fine. The newlyweds have expressed much gratitude.