Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 08:51     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:We’ve been together 7 months, both in our 40s with small kids. We both want to wait to introduce each other to kids until it’s been at least a year together. Bf has been divorced a year, and is amicable with ex, as I am with mine.

His parents take him, his kids, siblings, aunts to a vacation destination every summer and they all stay in a huge house together. I mentioned that this will ge his first year going as a “solo parent” with his two kids and asked how he felt about it. He said that he actually may invite his ex-wife to come along, because she just went through a major health issue (cancer) and he is trying to be compassionate.

I totally want him to do what’s best for the family. I just feel weird about my role in all of this- with him potentially staying in the same house with his whole family and his ex for a week. I totally trust him, has nothing to do with that. What would you do?


This is totally unacceptable and inappropriate in my book. Your role? Well, you are an outsider in this case. You are making yourself an outsider. Claim your domain.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 08:45     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he and ex are doing well co-parenting and have gone to this family gathering for a long time. Leave it alone - not your business unless you are engaged or married to him now. Sounds like a kind man who loves his kids.


exactly. it’s a traditional family gathering, not a “vacation”.


Family gatherings don’t involve sleeping over and multiple days and and out of town destination house rental. She’s not showing up at a picnic family gathering.
Perhaps it depends on why they got divorced. Majority of the cases, even with coparenting, the ex in laws, WPEN husband and ex wife would not really enjoy “catching up” at a family gathering.
Anonymous
Post 07/05/2022 08:33     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.


Op: thanks for this. His ex comes to all family parties. I would have no problem with that if I also get invited in the future. I guess I need to talk to him to understand better what his vision is for the future. I’m scared of getting further involved with someone and ending up being “the girlfriend on the side”. Obviously I wouldn’t choose that for myself, so if that’s what I’m getting into, I’d prefer to know now.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 15:24     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?


This is Unhinged

I thought it had to be the plot of a movie that I hadn’t seen.


Unhinged is the movie name.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 15:07     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:These posts always dissolve into ex wives coming on and insisting that they are super important to their exes, that their exes girlfriends and second wives have to accept that they are important because they are the sacred moms of the kids, etc.

No. Sorry. You divorced him. He’s not yours to control anymore. You are less important than the his current girlfriend or wife. Get over it.

Doesn’t seem to be true in this case.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 14:27     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:I would be offended if I was not vacationing with my serious BF after 7 months of dating and sleeping together. The problem in my view is not him going to this family gathering. But rather him NOT bringing OP to that gathering. Who is she to him?

This is why I think dating recently divorced guys is a no go. They are just not ready to integrate anyone new in their life and commiit


OP said it was a mutual agreement not to introduce the kids for a year.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 14:23     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Just to give you some perspective, ex and I moved to be near his family. Many years later we separated. I get along very well with his whole family (they’ve known me for 30 years) and I don’t live anywhere near my own family, so they still invite me to gatherings. They have never attempted to reunite us. I’m about to have a medical procedure performed that will require me to have some else drive me home. I’ll be asking my ex since I don’t have relatives nearby. We see each other all the time because we have middle school aged children. We spent Father’s Day with ex’s live in girlfriend. We tell our kids that we’ll always be a family, we’re just configured a bit differently now. Ex and I have zero interest in being a couple again, but we still spend holidays together for the kids’ sakes. I’m sure things will change as the kids get older, but for now, this works for us.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:35     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:Your boyfriend sounds like a gem and this is a truly unique circumstance with the ex having battled cancer. I would trust him and be supportive in this one instance.


Plus 1
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:32     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:He sounds nice. Cancer sucks. You can go next year. Don’t over think it.


Good advice
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:31     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?


This is Unhinged

I thought it had to be the plot of a movie that I hadn’t seen.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:29     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:Is there a chance he would allow you to pose as an Uber eats driver, name of Cathy, who delivers a couple of meals and sort of "gets to know" the family in a very friendly, informal way. That way you can get a looksee at what's going on, what the overall dynamic is, etc, etc etc. Thoughts?


This is Unhinged
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:11     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
I would kick him to the curb
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 13:04     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
You just have to wait and see, OP. It's not like you have veto power. Or you can call it off now, your other option.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 12:48     Subject: Re:Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
Anonymous wrote:I would be offended if I was not vacationing with my serious BF after 7 months of dating and sleeping together. The problem in my view is not him going to this family gathering. But rather him NOT bringing OP to that gathering. Who is she to him?

This is why I think dating recently divorced guys is a no go. They are just not ready to integrate anyone new in their life and commiit


Op: In fairness, I wouldn’t invite him to my family vacation either. So I’m not offended at all. We’re both recently divorced and very conservative with introducing our kids to each other. But, I wouldn’t invite my ex either. And my only hesitation about this is getting involved in a dynamic in which the exes and their families are potentially still very enmeshed with each other (and may not have healthy boundaries). It’s hard to tell at this point.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2022 10:45     Subject: Boyfriend might go on vacation with his ex
These posts always dissolve into ex wives coming on and insisting that they are super important to their exes, that their exes girlfriends and second wives have to accept that they are important because they are the sacred moms of the kids, etc.

No. Sorry. You divorced him. He’s not yours to control anymore. You are less important than the his current girlfriend or wife. Get over it.