Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Forcing your kid into the activities you’ve decided are good for them is just a recipe for breeding resentment.

My kid isn’t interested in playing sports. Should we force her? She would rather sing, draw, paint, dance, and act. She is in activities that center around those interests.

If a kid has no natural musical talent or interest in playing an instrument, it’s pointless to force it.

You seem to want to create a robot, not a person.

OP here. So many people are bringing up the robot analogy. No, I have no desire for my kid to emulate a robot. But we value physical activity in our household -- and hence, the sports requirement. I would've been just as fine if DC decided to do dance or rock climbing or cycling instead of team sports, but they have no interest in any of those activities, which is why I forced them to join a sport at their school.

We are forcing DC to do something artistic and something physical -- the fact that it ended up being a team sport and an instrument just ended up being their choice (a middle ground).

Unless you are literally compelling somebody to do something with physical force, you're not "forcing" them to do anything so you can stop using that term. Taking away privileges if you kids don't practice their instrument isn't forcing them, it's just enforcing household expectations. They could just live without the privileges if that's what they wanted to do, right?

I think that by my standards what you're doing is well within the realm of reasonable. When I read your OP I thought it wasn't, but if you're just saying "hey, ya gotta do something creative, what will it be?" and they pick? I don't think of that as your typical UMC high-intensity pushing. I think you're not being honest about the idea that it has nothing to do with college, and you're incredibly judgmental, and you don't seem to have ever had experience with a child who has actual mental health issues so you wouldn't know what it can mean to avoid pushing for the sake of a kid's mental health. But what you're doing isn't really the kind of pushing a lot of people take issue with.

Do you have just the one kid? I have two (which is not many, I know) and I have to take really different approaches with them. One will push back hard to being pushed, either with defiance or with internal shame. It's bad, and I cannot push her at all. My job as her parent is to be the one person in her world who doesn't tell her what to do (aside from brushing teeth and getting someplace on time), because she internalizes all other pressures around her so much.

DC2 is really relaxed and responds well to pushing. I actually was very hesitant to push him with because of my experiences with DC1, but I have learned that he can take it and he just needs more external motivation. Plus he asks to be pushed. The pushing comes in the form of setting reminders for him to work out and things like that. It's pretty mild. I was also pretty demanding as his homeschool teacher. I never could have done that with DC1.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my kids were not receptive to "pushing" and it backfired. Maybe your kids will practice the instrument but, mine didn't when they didn't want to play anymore. It was a huge waste of time and money. So that's one reason. Second I realized that my kids are not mini-mes and should have autonomy to chose what they want to do. And I want a relationship with them when they are older.

Yep. I let my kid choose her interests. My "pushing" is in the form of supporting her commitment to her choices (and not letting her quit something mid-class or mid-season. She has to follow through, especially if we spent money on it or it's a team or group activity where others are counting on her).

I don't demand that she play a sport. She has to be active in some way, but that could be organized sports, martial arts, running, dancing, hiking, whatever. I don't demand that she play an instrument. Her artistic side is expressed through drawing and creative writing, so that's what we encourage and support.

She has to do her homework. I don't demand that she take the hardest class in everything. She has to work on her weaker areas; it's not okay to say, "I'm bad at math" and leave it at that. We encourage her to challenge herself in her areas of interest. The best motivation is the innate sense of satisfaction that you get when you work hard at something, and don't quit when it gets hard, and see yourself improve or accomplish a goal -- that's the motivation that will carry her through life. Not me pushing and nagging.

She has obligations around the house, and "I don't want to" is not a good reason not to fold laundry or pick up her room or empty the dishwasher. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to because those things need to be done.

I’d definitely prefer OP as a parent

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pushed our kids and they all turned out fine and successful.

I didn't push my kids and they all turned out fine and successful.

I don't believe for one second that you never, ever pushed your kids at something.

Not in the way OP describes. Not at all.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my kids were not receptive to "pushing" and it backfired. Maybe your kids will practice the instrument but, mine didn't when they didn't want to play anymore. It was a huge waste of time and money. So that's one reason. Second I realized that my kids are not mini-mes and should have autonomy to chose what they want to do. And I want a relationship with them when they are older.

Yep. I let my kid choose her interests. My "pushing" is in the form of supporting her commitment to her choices (and not letting her quit something mid-class or mid-season. She has to follow through, especially if we spent money on it or it's a team or group activity where others are counting on her).

I don't demand that she play a sport. She has to be active in some way, but that could be organized sports, martial arts, running, dancing, hiking, whatever. I don't demand that she play an instrument. Her artistic side is expressed through drawing and creative writing, so that's what we encourage and support.

She has to do her homework. I don't demand that she take the hardest class in everything. She has to work on her weaker areas; it's not okay to say, "I'm bad at math" and leave it at that. We encourage her to challenge herself in her areas of interest. The best motivation is the innate sense of satisfaction that you get when you work hard at something, and don't quit when it gets hard, and see yourself improve or accomplish a goal -- that's the motivation that will carry her through life. Not me pushing and nagging.

She has obligations around the house, and "I don't want to" is not a good reason not to fold laundry or pick up her room or empty the dishwasher. Sometimes you have to do things you don't want to because those things need to be done.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because my kids were not receptive to "pushing" and it backfired. Maybe your kids will practice the instrument but, mine didn't when they didn't want to play anymore. It was a huge waste of time and money. So that's one reason. Second I realized that my kids are not mini-mes and should have autonomy to chose what they want to do. And I want a relationship with them when they are older.

OP here. My kid was originally not receptive to pushing, but with appropriate punishments for not responding to my pushing (ie: taking away phone privileges, not letting them take Driver's Ed, not letting them meet up with friends on weekends, and the occasionally yelling and fighting), they became receptive. And, IME, so will 99% of kids (barring a learning disorder). Kids WILL have to be receptive if their social life is on the line.

God help any of your kids if they have a learning disorder---they would likely be a huge disappointment to you and you would not know how to deal.

Have no desire to be a "tiger parent". I'd like my kids to hit adulthood and not hate me, not wish their life was different; I want them to be happy. So forcing a kid to practice an instrument or loose their phone or not let them drive seems so controlling and unhealthy. Your kid will likely grow up and want to do things differently for their own family, but may not due to family pressures. Or they might have depression and anxiety thanks to this upbringing

OP here -- I know they won't because they know how to take responsibility for themselves instead of blaming me for all of their problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We pushed our kids and they all turned out fine and successful.

I didn't push my kids and they all turned out fine and successful.

I don't believe for one second that you never, ever pushed your kids at something.