Anonymous
06/13/2022 11:18
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:
OP.
Just in case it hasn't sunk in, divorce is financially the worst decision a middle class person can make. So unless you believe you can marry richer, become yourself a high earner, or win the lottery...
Of course, if he's abusive, that's another story.
This. OP, make sure it’s worth it. You’ll be working a FT job, will lose your family home, and will spend a lot to lose it.
OP here. I could marry someone with a similar income to DH. He is abusive. I've been with him since I was 22. My family home is new to me. I am not attached to it. You can't put a price on peace. My husband is controlling about so many aspects of my life, even the clothes I wear. I am Muslim. I don't wear a hijab. I didn't learn how to be assertive from my family. He doesn't help out at home or hire help. My job never stops. I am scared of what I might do if I don't get out. I imagine running away from my family. I have a lot of rage. It's not a good situation.
Even if you marry someone with a similar income, finding someone that doesn't already have children and isn't divorced, is not going to happen. He will also be paying child support so while he may have a 160k income, a huge chunk of that will be given to his current children, not to his new wife. A never married man with no children who will marry a woman with two children at 35 is a unicorn.
Anonymous
06/12/2022 20:07
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself !
This actually happens quite often, but the spouses make a lot more than $160k.
+1 many spouses have to downshift or quit their careers to support an absentee workaholic spouse who lacks time or will to parent, manage the house, talk with the nanny, plan anything for the family, etc. That all gets factored in, and is easy to prove via phone and email records. Emailing work 24/7 the lat 12 months? Hand it over with the family schedule overlayed.
Anonymous
06/12/2022 18:28
Subject: Re:I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
What people don't understand about "getting the house" is it's not just some easy transfer, you have to refinance the house so that it's in only your name. You'll have to be able to get the loan and be able to afford the house. This is what I did a few years ago.
Yes, you will more than likely have to refinance and get another mortgage. Depending on the situation the equity may be split in half. The mortgage payments and interest rates could end up being higher. Being allowed to keep the house isn't automatically a good deal.
1/2 his salary currently for mortgage is a lot. If you get alimony + child support he will basically become permanently poor. You will be on the hook for the mortgage and living expenses with the kids. Practically both of you will be worse off. And most importantly your children will now have divorced parents who are less financially stable.
Anonymous
06/11/2022 23:37
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex-husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself!
She does have a PT job. She was stating what a lawyer told her, and even in her OP, she realized it sounded off. Women love to shit on each other. Even when she mentioned being abused by a controlling Muslim man, people said it was probably made up. She can't even wear what she wants. There are a lot of sicknesses on the board. And God forbid she thinks about being with another man even though it's in our biology to need a partner.
I don’t remember OP saying her husband was Muslim - only that she was. She also didn’t say that she can’t wear what she wants. I think OP has a tough road ahead and if she gets alimony it will be because of a legal battle. But I don’t think we should assume things she has t said.
Anonymous
06/11/2022 23:28
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex-husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself!
She does have a PT job. She was stating what a lawyer told her, and even in her OP, she realized it sounded off. Women love to shit on each other. Even when she mentioned being abused by a controlling Muslim man, people said it was probably made up. She can't even wear what she wants. There are a lot of sicknesses on the board. And God forbid she thinks about being with another man even though it's in our biology to need a partner.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 22:53
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
This should be in the money forum for all of those who ask “can I afford this house?” Spending 50% of your husband’s take home on the mortgage was just plain idiotic. Stuff happens, such as divorce and illness, and now you have to uproot your children from their home and family life. I do not believe in staying in marriages for the children but with this level of stupidity, I would consider sucking it up and staying until you can afford to not screw up your kid even more.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 18:45
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself !
This actually happens quite often, but the spouses make a lot more than $160k.
No actually it’s not 1950 anymore and nobody is entitled to be a stay at home mom supported by her EX husband. Short term rehabilitative alimony to get retrained back into the workforce and support yourself.
Unless she wants to continue washing his laundry and providing BJs, she loses all benefits of marriage just like he does.
This is true.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 18:00
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself !
This actually happens quite often, but the spouses make a lot more than $160k.
No actually it’s not 1950 anymore and nobody is entitled to be a stay at home mom supported by her EX husband. Short term rehabilitative alimony to get retrained back into the workforce and support yourself.
Unless she wants to continue washing his laundry and providing BJs, she loses all benefits of marriage just like he does.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 17:56
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:It is not realistic to stay in the house. Get a new attorney.
A judge will likely force a sale of the house.
Can you afford the house payment with the alimony payment? Highly unlikey.
This. Your husband has to pay taxes in his $160k and you will have to pay taxes on your alimony. No way you can stay in the house unless it’s a very very cheap house.
You don’t pay taxes on alimony. It was already taxed, it can’t be taxed again, same as child support.
Under divorce or separation instruments executed on or before December 31, 2018, alimony payments are deductible by the payer and taxable to the recipient
It’s 2022, ding dong. Alimony is tax neutral now — the payor pays tax on it before it is sent to the recipient. The result is that recipients by and large are receiving less than they used to.
Damn well they SHOULD receive less because the payor has covered the income taxes.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 17:56
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Get the divorce, if you can stay with family until you get on your feet then do that. Don't count on money from your husband to be able to support you and your kids. If he loses his job, then what? Count YOUR money, not his. Once you are divorced think of yourself as a single mom. The majority of the time ex-husbands suddenly have a hard time fitting in time with the kids. It happens alllllll the time. Even if he pays child support they will primarily be your responsibility. BTDT. It is what it is.
What if he wants full custody? The majority of men do want their kids... stop acting like men don't want their kids.
And, if she gets child support and alimony, she should be providing for 100% of the kids needs outside health insurance. He should not have to pay extra's given she'll be getting more than 1/2 his income plus her income.
The majority of "men" who want custody time with their kids think that entails nothing but krap food and shelter. Easy peasy.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 17:03
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Get the divorce, if you can stay with family until you get on your feet then do that. Don't count on money from your husband to be able to support you and your kids. If he loses his job, then what? Count YOUR money, not his. Once you are divorced think of yourself as a single mom. The majority of the time ex-husbands suddenly have a hard time fitting in time with the kids. It happens alllllll the time. Even if he pays child support they will primarily be your responsibility. BTDT. It is what it is.
What if he wants full custody? The majority of men do want their kids... stop acting like men don't want their kids.
And, if she gets child support and alimony, she should be providing for 100% of the kids needs outside health insurance. He should not have to pay extra's given she'll be getting more than 1/2 his income plus her income.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 16:59
Subject: Re:I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:I live in PA but am barred in another state. Regardless, I never practiced family law so would not give you any type of legal advice. Please find a family law attorney in PA for a real consult who can explain PA law to you.
You seem focused on remarrying and that may be a trigger point for your dh (if you mention it to him as often as you mention it here). IMHO, the reason for leaving should be the abuse - period. Once you are divorced, what you do is none of his business.
You may or may not remarry. You have to be able to support you and your kids on your salary and child support. Alimony may help you while you are finishing school until you are employed in your field (one more reason for that consult with a PA attorney). But you will not be making 160,000 on a social worker’s salary plus child support. Plus, I have absolutely no idea how child support works when there is 50/50 custody (which is typically the default - again check with the attorney).
Good luck and report back.
The husband makes that income. She'll be lucky with a masters's to make $60-80K starting out.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 16:58
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself !
This actually happens quite often, but the spouses make a lot more than $160k.
The difference is the income level. OP said that the mortgage was 1/2 his take home pay, so if she is expecting him to pay the mortgage, utilities, child support, and alimony, plus his own housing for shared custody, good luck to her with that.
If she wants to maintain her lifestyle, she'll need to get a well paying job.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 16:54
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
Anonymous wrote:On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself !
This actually happens quite often, but the spouses make a lot more than $160k.
Anonymous
06/09/2022 16:01
Subject: I met with a divorce attorney today... Surprised...
On what planet does a spouse get to divorce, keep the house, and NOT work full time? Go get a job! Your ex husband does not support a stay home EX wife. Support yourself !