Anonymous wrote:We are going on a 12 night trip sans kids. This is the longest we have left kids (longest has been 2n) and I worked hard to make this as seamless as possible for my mother in law, to watch my 4 and 6 year old.
I have:
- daily pay for MIL
- camp from 8:30-6:30pm 1 mile away
- credit card to get anything ordered
- play date/ sleepover and paid childcare on weekends with friends so she doesn’t have to drive and gets a break
- meals delivered so she doesn’t cook

With 3 days to go she says she can’t do it and wants us to change our trip to half the number of days.
I’m so frustrated with everything. She says we are taking advantage of her and from my point of view she should have just said no or told us weeks ago. We are scrambling to change everything last min.

Both of these things can be true.

Anonymous wrote:If MIL came on here saying she agreed to watch her grandkids for 12 days, and her DIL had planned camps, food, and weekend care, AND she was getting paid, but decided now 3 days before that she didn’t think she could handle it, but her DIL was being mean and wouldn’t just shorten her trip but still pay her, this board would rip her to pieces.

Damn you people have some bizarre need to rip every OP to shreds.

Doubt it because we’re only getting OP’s biased account. I’d like to know MIL’s side actually.

If MIL came on here saying she agreed to watch her grandkids for 12 days, and her DIL had planned camps, food, and weekend care, AND she was getting paid, but decided now 3 days before that she didn’t think she could handle it, but her DIL was being mean and wouldn’t just shorten her trip but still pay her, this board would rip her to pieces.

Damn you people have some bizarre need to rip every OP to shreds.

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Anonymous wrote:I am mildly Team OP, but 12 days is really a ton of time away from a 4 and 6 year old. I wouldn’t do it, even though OP clearly made careful arrangements to make sure the kids had fun activities and MIL was not overburdened. MIL is ridiculous for canceling 3 days before the trip. That’s just awful.

The thing I find most shocking about this situation is that OP and her DH were going to pay the MIL for babysitting. I’ve never heard of that, and I grew up lower income and am now UMC. Is that actually a common thing? No grandparent I know would accept money for watching grandkids, though it’s very common for kids to either have parents move in with them or to pay for assisted living costs. I found it jarring that OP’s DH thought this plan was good because it was a money making opportunity for his mom.

Why is that jarring?
His mom doesn’t work and she lives off social security. It’s a personal decision to do so, not health related. She’s in her early 60’s. We will definitely be taking care of her in retirement and old age due to no savings and we help but it’s just one way she can also make money for travel, etc. We pay for a lot of her travel to visit family but we also have our own expenses and can’t pay for everything she wants.

I just think the dynamic where you are treating her like an employee is bizarre. If you have money and she needs money, you help her out without asking for her to work for you, I’d think.

.
Agree. It is extremely bizarre for an adult to treat their own parent like a household employee like this. Very disrespectful to your MIL.

Geez. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So many on here say that grandparents aren't the parents and shouldn't be responsible for full-time care (and rightfully so!) as they've already raised their kids plus not every grandparent is retired or financially able to take on care while not having a job without pay in those hours. From what OP has shared, MIL is on social security and extra funds for this overnight trip would've been helpful. She was definitely trying to be fair here so chill out.

Yes, grandparents aren’t the parents and have already reared their children. Paying them doesn’t make it all right to treat them as though they have some obligation to rear their grandchildren also.

I’m not sure you understand what “damned if you do, damned if you don’t” means. It doesn’t mean it’s okay to treat your parents or your spouse’s parents as household employees as long as you pay them. Wow.

Anonymous wrote:I think there’s a non-trivial chance she’s been trying to communicate her concerns for a while but he’s been turning a deaf ear til now because he didn’t want it to mess with the trip.

If OP's response to the pretty big majority here who think it seems wrong to leave your own children for that wrong is any indication, she obvioulsy didn't listen to her MIL the whole time she has indicated this may not work. OP doesn't like her MIL or her children. She called someone who doesn't want to go away without their own children a martyr--that implies punishment. The problem is very much OP, not the MIL.

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Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

I don't know of any grandparent who want to watch their grandkids on their own for a couple of weeks. I know of grandparents (husband and wife pair), who will look after a grandchild or multiple grandkids, for part of the day, in their own house. No one is doing this when they are single and alone and elderly, in someone else's house, 24/7 for two weeks. No. One. And two kids below 6? No way.

OP seems like one of those people who believe in getting the last drop of blood from the MIL because it seems the MIL is dependent on her son for financial help. OP is basically a disgusting POS.

A little harsh but true. The better thing to do would be to have MIL stay, not pay her, and hire an extra babysitter to stay the entire time with her and do most of the work. Give MIL whatever money she needs outside of that but don’t pay her to work. That’s just trashy. This obviously costs more but it’s the right way to do it and not overburden your MIL. If you can’t afford it, take your kids bc you’re not the type who should be going on adults only trips.

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Anonymous wrote:Can you get a refund on the camps and aftercare that you had signed them up for?

Yes I can

Then cancel them and take the kids like you wanted, regardless of what your husband says and whether your MIL is expecting the babysitting money. I’m guessing this option would be cheaper and easier for you than trying to change all the trip arrangements.

I decided just not to go at all. We will lose several thousand but lesson learned.

Has your selfish ass even checked in on her and asked if she is OK, asked how she is feeling, asked if she had some kind of accident or concern or worry? Yes or no.

Anonymous wrote:Well as far as liking my kids, we are traveling with the kids for 2 weeks also this summer to the beach and mountains. I also stay home with my kids and I’m with them plenty, since my son who is younger is only in school 2 half days. This was a once in a lifetime chance due to my husband’s work and was planned around that. She could have just said no. No one was trying to take advantage of her or we would not be paying her and providing childcare for the majority of every day. It’s really just managing that they get to camp everyday and that no emergencies occur. She’s not cooking and they shower themselves.

Has it even crossed your selfish mind that in the time between saying yes to this and deciding she couldn’t do it, she might have suffered some form of decline? She could have fallen in the shower and gotten a wake-up call. She could have done something like left a burner on all night and gotten a wake-up call. She could have had chest pains and gotten scared. She could have had a near-accident in the car and realized that she shouldn’t be driving kids around.

Has that even crossed your mind? Yes or no.

Anonymous wrote:What happens if the kids get sick? Then the whole plan falls apart. Whatever can go wrong will. 12 days was waaaayyy too long.

+1. It’s still very easy to the point of being expected for a kid in any type of school, daycare or camp setting to get COVID. And even if they get it and have a mild case, they still can’t go to camp! And before you suggest that you just don’t test them (you seem like the type, OP), know that camp will likely either test or require proof of testing should any symptoms show up.

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I really don't relate to posters who are defending the grandmother. Any responsible person would make sure to cancel before anything is set in stone. It has nothing to do with length of trip, etc. The Grandma knew this before hand. Don't give me the "cold feet" crap. Grandma just ruined the start of OP's holiday and OP is left trying to salvage some fun and relaxation. Any of you would be furious if someone did this to your plans! I would.

+100

-100. I would not be furious. I would change my plans, and that’s life. Because my kids’ health and well-being and safety is more important than a vacation. And I’ve seen directly bad outcomes from caregivers who were stretched to thin, and we’ve certainly all read about them.

+1

Absolutely agree. If the grandmother feels she cannot take care of the kids, then you have to respect her health and state of mind and accept it.

She is not the parent of these children and she does not have to babysit these kids, especially if she thinks she cannot manage it. I am aghast at people who are not concerned that an elderly person is saying that they cannot manage to provide childcare to their grandkids. I would be more concerned about the MIL and make sure that she has her support system and she is looked after. And I would not allow my kids to be taken care of by anyone who is feeling that they cannot do this. There is a big difference to providing care for an hour every day vs taking care of these kids for long stretches for 12 days.

Anyways, what kind of sicko leaves their kids (less than 6 yrs old) for 12 days and goes for an international vacation?

This. Right. Here.

Something similar happened with my mom backtracking on grandkid help for my sister a few years ago. It was so sudden and out of character for her that my sister pressed a bit. It turns out that my mom had had two recent near-accidents in the car and was just starting to question her driving abilities. She wasn’t yet ready to face it, but as my sister’s vacation drew nearer, my mom panicked and pulled out. My sister and her husband reworked their vacation and got some other family members to help out. But what The Deal was turned out to indeed be something significant with my mom’s overall health, independence and yes, capacity to take care of her grandchildren.

Say what you want, neither of you would be happy with your MILs if they backed out of caregiving at the last minute, before an international (and expensive!) trip.
The MIL can have the best reasons in the world, but OP is out a lot of money, was counting on MIL, and you should acknowledge that it's a big disappointment.

I would be furious, OP. The least MIL could have done is back out sooner.

Actually, you are wrong. As someone whose elderly aunt did not speak up and perhaps did not have the capacity to speak up when things started going south for her mentally and physically, and had a severe car accident as a result that hurt a child in the other car, you are wrong. I would absolutely be happy if there were an elderly person in my life who spoke up about health, mental health or mobility problems at any time. Those of you who don’t know this from experience, wow, you just don’t know, and I can’t believe you’re not willing to admit that elderly folks can decline suddenly, and some of them try to hide it—deliberately go out of their way to hide it—because they don’t want to face it.

I also say this as someone whose husband’s grandma still lived alone in her mid-90s. We checked on her often. In one case, I called after a bad storm and she said she was fine. I decided to go over there anyway even though my husband was out of town, and she had no power and very little food in the house. She had also lost her car keys. If I hadn’t have physically gone to check on her even after she said she was fine on the phone, that could have been bad.

I also say that as a former lifeguard who has seen a lot of grandparents watching kids at the pool but not really able to keep up with them. And while that did not lead to a drowning, it sure did lead to a lot of falls/scrapes, and in one choking incident.

Things happen, and if you have an elderly person in your life who is able to be honest with you about their limitations, consider yourself very lucky.

OP, your intentions were good but you and DH were not honest with yourself about your MIL's basic nature. She likely suffers from anxiety and is probably lazy. She clearly did not want to do this, despite the camp you paid for. Consider as well that if one of your kids had gotten sick, it would have been very stressful to such a nervous person.

Your DH fixated on paying your MIL because he wants to give her more money and this was the only way you would agree to do so. I would not ever offer to pay MIL for babysitting or anything else but would give her any amount I felt able to comfortably give her NSA.

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Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

I don't know of any grandparent who want to watch their grandkids on their own for a couple of weeks. I know of grandparents (husband and wife pair), who will look after a grandchild or multiple grandkids, for part of the day, in their own house. No one is doing this when they are single and alone and elderly, in someone else's house, 24/7 for two weeks. No. One. And two kids below 6? No way.

OP seems like one of those people who believe in getting the last drop of blood from the MIL because it seems the MIL is dependent on her son for financial help. OP is basically a disgusting POS.

Troll. OP is paying for full day camp. OP is paying for meals delivered. OP has arranged weekends when friends will care for her children.

Basically MIL has nothing to do except morning and evening routines 5 days a week for two weeks, and the rest of the time she can nap, watch TV and sit on the couch eating bonbons!

So stop it with the trolling. I am convinced that all of the threads critical of OP are either by people who didn't actually her original post, or trolls who just want to attack her for no good reason.

Yep.

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Anonymous wrote:I am mildly Team OP, but 12 days is really a ton of time away from a 4 and 6 year old. I wouldn’t do it, even though OP clearly made careful arrangements to make sure the kids had fun activities and MIL was not overburdened. MIL is ridiculous for canceling 3 days before the trip. That’s just awful.

The thing I find most shocking about this situation is that OP and her DH were going to pay the MIL for babysitting. I’ve never heard of that, and I grew up lower income and am now UMC. Is that actually a common thing? No grandparent I know would accept money for watching grandkids, though it’s very common for kids to either have parents move in with them or to pay for assisted living costs. I found it jarring that OP’s DH thought this plan was good because it was a money making opportunity for his mom.

Why is that jarring?
His mom doesn’t work and she lives off social security. It’s a personal decision to do so, not health related. She’s in her early 60’s. We will definitely be taking care of her in retirement and old age due to no savings and we help but it’s just one way she can also make money for travel, etc. We pay for a lot of her travel to visit family but we also have our own expenses and can’t pay for everything she wants.

I just think the dynamic where you are treating her like an employee is bizarre. If you have money and she needs money, you help her out without asking for her to work for you, I’d think.

Agree. It is extremely bizarre for an adult to treat their own parent like a household employee like this. Very disrespectful to your MIL.

Geez. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. So many on here say that grandparents aren't the parents and shouldn't be responsible for full-time care (and rightfully so!) as they've already raised their kids plus not every grandparent is retired or financially able to take on care while not having a job without pay in those hours. From what OP has shared, MIL is on social security and extra funds for this overnight trip would've been helpful. She was definitely trying to be fair here so chill out.

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I really don't relate to posters who are defending the grandmother. Any responsible person would make sure to cancel before anything is set in stone. It has nothing to do with length of trip, etc. The Grandma knew this before hand. Don't give me the "cold feet" crap. Grandma just ruined the start of OP's holiday and OP is left trying to salvage some fun and relaxation. Any of you would be furious if someone did this to your plans! I would.

+100

-100. I would not be furious. I would change my plans, and that’s life. Because my kids’ health and well-being and safety is more important than a vacation. And I’ve seen directly bad outcomes from caregivers who were stretched to thin, and we’ve certainly all read about them.

+1

Absolutely agree. If the grandmother feels she cannot take care of the kids, then you have to respect her health and state of mind and accept it.

She is not the parent of these children and she does not have to babysit these kids, especially if she thinks she cannot manage it. I am aghast at people who are not concerned that an elderly person is saying that they cannot manage to provide childcare to their grandkids. I would be more concerned about the MIL and make sure that she has her support system and she is looked after. And I would not allow my kids to be taken care of by anyone who is feeling that they cannot do this. There is a big difference to providing care for an hour every day vs taking care of these kids for long stretches for 12 days.

Anyways, what kind of sicko leaves their kids (less than 6 yrs old) for 12 days and goes for an international vacation?

Drama llama.

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Anonymous wrote:Just hire a sitter

Yes but on 3 days notice I am scrambling. This is something I would have liked to know about before booking so so could have taken the kids or interviewed sitters and found a good fit

If you want to abandon your kids for two weeks that’s on you but clearly she does not want to be responsible for them.

I cannot help but feel the same thing. Anybody would think a 12-day vacation away from the kids these days is appropriate is also somebody who steamrolled grandma into saying yes in the first place. I would cancel that trip and get serious family therapy.

This is just ridiculous. Plenty of people are happy to watch their grandkids for a couple of weeks.

Not my parents or inlaws. This type of ask is not that common.

Not everyone is your parents or in-laws.