Anonymous wrote:Update: we broke up. I talked to him and he just was completely minimizing my concerns while also not offering to do anything to meet me halfway. He basically kept saying everything will work out, don’t worry about it. I realized he doesn’t understand my way of thinking at all. Also realized he’s pretty selfish and lacking in empathy. I am so sad but I know it’s probably for the best. Thank you all for your great advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

To me, this is the real issue, not money or moving. He wants you to put him as the #1 priority in your life--above your job, above your future--- but he is not willing to do the same. If you were #1 in his life, then your interests, your job, your parents, your life would also matter to him and he would work with you to find meaningful compromises. Its like he only sees your value in relation to what it brings him, he doesn't see you as an independent person with her own set of needs, desires and obligations.


I would NOT give up my job, my home, the community of friends I built for someone who was upset that I pushed a call back due to work. You say he loves you, but loving someone means understanding what they value and what is important to them. He dismisses the importance of these things to you. He has slotted you into the vision of the life he wants, without taking into consideration that you might not be happy with exactly the same things.

OP here. “Slotted me into the vision of the life he wants” is probably the best articulation of my situation. I’m so sad. I keep posting because it breaks my heart to realize his love for me is actually pretty shallow, even though he uses effusive language to describe how he feels. If he wanted to— if he wanted me— he could move to DC tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:Update: we broke up. I talked to him and he just was completely minimizing my concerns while also not offering to do anything to meet me halfway. He basically kept saying everything will work out, don’t worry about it. I realized he doesn’t understand my way of thinking at all. Also realized he’s pretty selfish and lacking in empathy. I am so sad but I know it’s probably for the best. Thank you all for your great advice.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

To me, this is the real issue, not money or moving. He wants you to put him as the #1 priority in your life--above your job, above your future--- but he is not willing to do the same. If you were #1 in his life, then your interests, your job, your parents, your life would also matter to him and he would work with you to find meaningful compromises. Its like he only sees your value in relation to what it brings him, he doesn't see you as an independent person with her own set of needs, desires and obligations.


I would NOT give up my job, my home, the community of friends I built for someone who was upset that I pushed a call back due to work. You say he loves you, but loving someone means understanding what they value and what is important to them. He dismisses the importance of these things to you. He has slotted you into the vision of the life he wants, without taking into consideration that you might not be happy with exactly the same things.

OP here. “Slotted me into the vision of the life he wants” is probably the best articulation of my situation. I’m so sad. I keep posting because it breaks my heart to realize his love for me is actually pretty shallow, even though he uses effusive language to describe how he feels. If he wanted to— if he wanted me— he could move to DC tomorrow.

Anonymous wrote:

He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

To me, this is the real issue, not money or moving. He wants you to put him as the #1 priority in your life--above your job, above your future--- but he is not willing to do the same. If you were #1 in his life, then your interests, your job, your parents, your life would also matter to him and he would work with you to find meaningful compromises. Its like he only sees your value in relation to what it brings him, he doesn't see you as an independent person with her own set of needs, desires and obligations.


I would NOT give up my job, my home, the community of friends I built for someone who was upset that I pushed a call back due to work. You say he loves you, but loving someone means understanding what they value and what is important to them. He dismisses the importance of these things to you. He has slotted you into the vision of the life he wants, without taking into consideration that you might not be happy with exactly the same things.

He told me that he needs to be the top priority in my life. He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m so sad. I’m going to talk to him this weekend. I don’t see any way for this to work out. I’m going to miss him so much.

At some point, you will look back and realized you dodged a major bullet. Someone that is this ME, ME, ME isn’t a good life partner. I’m happily married and if my husband said “I must be your first priority at all times,” I would laugh in his face. And we are an amazing team that prioritizes our marriage more than many couples.

But my husband knows that my career is super important to me. We have had two kids with major medical issues. His das will likely die in the next few months, etc.

We are not actually responsible for each other’s happiness even though we both want to make the other one happy.

Op here, thank you for this. I’m sure I’m the future when I look back I’ll know I dodged a major bullet. I’m experiencing some cognitive dissonance right now as I wrap my head around the fact that someone who seemed so right for me actually is not at all; or maybe more accurately, I am not right for him.

OP - be gentle with yourself during this shift. And the lack of fit is a 2-way street. He is not the right fit for you. I know it’s painful - but this is not a rejection of you. It’s mutual misalignment

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m so sad. I’m going to talk to him this weekend. I don’t see any way for this to work out. I’m going to miss him so much.

At some point, you will look back and realized you dodged a major bullet. Someone that is this ME, ME, ME isn’t a good life partner. I’m happily married and if my husband said “I must be your first priority at all times,” I would laugh in his face. And we are an amazing team that prioritizes our marriage more than many couples.

But my husband knows that my career is super important to me. We have had two kids with major medical issues. His das will likely die in the next few months, etc.

We are not actually responsible for each other’s happiness even though we both want to make the other one happy.

Op here, thank you for this. I’m sure I’m the future when I look back I’ll know I dodged a major bullet. I’m experiencing some cognitive dissonance right now as I wrap my head around the fact that someone who seemed so right for me actually is not at all; or maybe more accurately, I am not right for him.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I’m so sad. I’m going to talk to him this weekend. I don’t see any way for this to work out. I’m going to miss him so much.

At some point, you will look back and realized you dodged a major bullet. Someone that is this ME, ME, ME isn’t a good life partner. I’m happily married and if my husband said “I must be your first priority at all times,” I would laugh in his face. And we are an amazing team that prioritizes our marriage more than many couples.

But my husband knows that my career is super important to me. We have had two kids with major medical issues. His das will likely die in the next few months, etc.

We are not actually responsible for each other’s happiness even though we both want to make the other one happy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is the top priority in my life but I seem to disappoint him a lot— I can’t seem to live up to his expectations. If something with work or my elderly parents comes up, he takes it personally if it takes away from time we are spending together.

Ok, so here is the thing - giving up your job and moving to be with him is not going to solve this problem. You will be less financially secure, and he still is not going to be satisfied with what you bring to the relationship. I am sorry to be blunt, but he doesn't actually want to be with you, he wants to be with some other person who doesn't care about their job, their financial security or their family and only cares about him.

OP here. Thanks for this— I think you hit the nail on the head. I cried a lot last night thinking about this fact. He wants someone who will fit into his vision for his life and I am clearly not that person.