Anonymous
01/18/2022 21:07
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.
I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.
Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.
So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?
I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?
Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.
Bad at math and you can’t read either? Her oldest is 7. There’s no 7:30 bedtime, and there is definitely more than an hour in the morning.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 20:28
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life
You are female, and take on the bulk if your family’s care, so accept having an addict for your life partner. Got it!!!
DP here. I don’t think it is being female. It is that she is a sahm so her main role is to take care of the children.
If OP had a babies or toddlers, that would much more difficult. I needed help when my third was born. We had hired help.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 20:25
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:If you are a sahm that’s your job
Also you have 4 kids so divorce can be problematic
I suggest you calm down and accept your life
You are female, and take on the bulk if your family’s care, so accept having an addict for your life partner. Got it!!!
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:50
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Hi OP. Try to get some therapy for you ASAP. To help you process and make plans. Does your DH work for a company with an EAP? Usually a certain number of sessions per year are covered and they will help you find a therapist. Also talk to your primary care doctor. Being the only reliable adult and parent is a heavy burden. You need support. Sending you virtual hugs.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:49
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
He sounds depressed. Alcohol exacerbates it.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:23
Subject: Re:Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Being a SAHM changes things, especially since it sounds like all four kids are in some sort of school.
Most moms I know handle mornings unless the Dh and working mom do shifts so mom goes to work at like 7am so she can be home at 3 so dad does mornings.
A few moms get kids ready and pack lunches and dad drives kids to work on way to work or just drives kids if work from home. It sounds like OP’s DH does the preschool drop off. Assuming elementary and up kids take the bus or walk to school.
Most moms I know handle mornings unless the Dh and working mom do shifts so mom goes to work at like 7am so she can be home at 3 so dad does mornings.
A few moms get kids ready and pack lunches and dad drives kids to work on way to work or just drives kids if work from home. It sounds like OP’s DH does the preschool drop off. Assuming elementary and up kids take the bus or walk to school.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:13
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:The cycle of feeling ashamed of being totally absent in family life most likely feeding the drinking/avoidance. Acceptance and commitment therapy approaches might be helpful. For example, small tasks he can complete on his timeline that contribute might help him feel more connected and positive. This meaning some small steps he can take to be helpful like cleaning up after dinner, packing kids bags, folding a basket of laundry.
I know an alcoholic on DH's side of the family and shame is definitely not a factor. In fact, I think alcoholics don't think they have a problem.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:11
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.
I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.
Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.
So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?
I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?
Preschool age lids are not awake 14.5 hours total per day, honestly. Between the 7:30 bedtime and the 1/2 day 'school' and the afternoon nap, OP is probably spending about the same amount of time with her kids as jer husband is working. Figure 1 hour in the AM to get ready for school, husband drops off, pick up at noon, 1 hour nap and 7:30 bedtime and she is spending about 7.5 -8 hours with the kids.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:10
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Why did you have FOUR children with him?
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:08
Subject: Re:Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
It doesn't matter what works for another couple/family. What matters is if your arrangement works for you . . . and it doesn't. There's no law that says, "If you have it better than I do, then you never get to complain." You are allowed to find your life difficult. You are allowed to hurt and struggle and ask for help, which you are doing!
Anonymous
01/18/2022 19:04
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.
I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.
Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.
So to be clear, OPs job is 14.5 hours with a 2.5 hour break, and DH works 8 hours, minus whatever time he’s goofing off at work, and that’s equal?
I thought men were supposed to be so good at math and STEM?
Anonymous
01/18/2022 18:32
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:This is OP. I am a SAHM. Not really by choice. I’d love to work again. But we have too many kids and preschool/school is very unpredictable with covid/quarantines. Preschool pickup is at noon. I have about 2.5 hours of “leisure time” between the last drop off and first pick up. This is when I grocery shop, clean, and put laundry away. (DH is usually home for most of that time… being a sloth.) So leisurely. We haven’t had a full week of school for the kids in many weeks (months?) due to covid. Prior to staying home, I was a FCPS teacher. No flexibility, stressful, and not enough pay to cover a FT nanny or FT daycare for littles and after care for bigs. I’m trapped.
I’ll look into Al-anon, thank you for the suggestion.
Mmm, yeah. Kids are your job then. Since you ha e half-day care for your kids, you are doing better than most SAH parents in terms of 'free' time. Also better than most WOH parents who do drop-off, work, pick-up with no time to do chores uninterrupted since kids are home when they are.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 18:16
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Consult a lawyer OP, and start documenting the alcohol abuse. This will impact his work eventually and you’ll want child support payments calculated based on his working income. I don’t see the point in staying married to someone you never see, or raising children with someone who isn’t interested in them.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 17:57
Subject: Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Did you say what his job is? How can he get up at 10 am? I’d also say you need help ASAP. If he needs more sleep then he counts backwards. He needs to be up by 7 or 8 am. But really, he does sound like an alcoholic and I think you must tell him that is what you see.
Ask him if he is willing to do the work for himself and his family. If not, you must look after yourself and your dc. Sending you a hug.
Ask him if he is willing to do the work for himself and his family. If not, you must look after yourself and your dc. Sending you a hug.
Anonymous
01/18/2022 17:30
Subject: Re:Husband -father of 4- sleeps in every single day
Anonymous wrote:I actually have zero sympathy for anyone who has more than 2 kids.
You deserve your misery. You deserve each other.
What on earth kind of response is this?!? Oh ok so 2 is the magical cliff where someone gets sympathy and someone doesn’t.