Sometimes our minor offspring learn lessons on their own.

For example, if you are sexually active, you can get pregnant. Even with birth control. Occasionally, that even happens to 40 year olds who have been married for years, according to DCUM; though that latter group is generally not using birth control, according to this very unscientific “study.”

If you do get pregnant, and decide to terminate, it can have ————- psychological consequences on the woman. That’s another lesson OP’s daughter is learning right now.

Another important life lesson is that it doesn’t make sense to rely solely on a partner for emotional support during difficult times...even if you’re a 40 year old who has been married for years. I would say that one is particularly true if your partner is 18, your relationship may be on last legs bc of college separation, his parents may be influencing him.

Personally, I feel that’s a lot of life lessons in a short period of time, but I don’t know OP and I don’t know her DD.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

Having an abortion does not equal “trauma” for 95% of the women who have them.

Agreed. I had one. No trauma. It was a relief. However, I would just let my daughter know therapy is always an option if she wants.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with the birth control? Did she forget to take it and decide to have unprotected sex anyway? Did she want to get pregnant and then change her mind? She should get an IUD.

Her birth control method is her decision. If she wants an IUD in the future we’d make that happen. I am not sure what happened. She thinks she forgot a pill.

OP, if you wrote the post above, you sound dangerously disengaged. You have a sexually active minor who has already gotten pregnant once. How do you not know what birth control she is using?

No wonder the boy's parents are putting some distance between themselves and your daughter.

This. They realize how close they were to having their son's future derailed and don't want a repeat.

You are f'ing gross. I just want you to know that.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

Having an abortion does not equal “trauma” for 95% of the women who have them.

There is a real possibility of an additional pregnancy, that needs to be discussed seriously. Deliberate or unconscious the stats are significant for this situation.

The co-dependence with the boyfriend is a huge issue too esp as it is very likely that the relationship will end soon. Another pregnancy would guarantee it.

Your DD needs adult guidance, OP, not from a third party, although that could be helpful re: emotional issues, but from HER PARENTS. YOU, OP. And where is her father in all of this? You need to talk with her about birth control, future pregnancies, her emotional dependence on the boyfriend, etc.

^ If it’s true that she’s old enough for her to handle bc alone, then she’s old enough to deal with the consequences alone, too. Of course OP should be discussing the best birth control options with her high schooler! Obviously, things have not gone to plan already, and at a minimum there should be conversations happening about trying to make sure it doesn’t happen again. An abortion isn’t a casual medical procedure like getting a Pap smear - there are potential real emotional and physical consequences, and so should not be treated lightly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with the birth control? Did she forget to take it and decide to have unprotected sex anyway? Did she want to get pregnant and then change her mind? She should get an IUD.

Her birth control method is her decision. If she wants an IUD in the future we’d make that happen. I am not sure what happened. She thinks she forgot a pill.

I was on BC when I got pregnant. Magically 4 other moms of kids in my DSs kindergarten class who had birthdays within 8 weeks of DS we’re on the same BC I was.

OP I thought I admired how you’re handling this at the beginning of the thread, but now I’m starting to think you’re a damn fool. Your daughter is a 17 year old minor. You’re treating her like she’s one of your adult friends

I think it's great that OP's daughter can talk to her and knows that there's no judgment about sex and its potential consequences. An open, supportive family is wonderful. But this seems to have veered too far into "it's all good, man" territory. A teenager getting pregnant isn't nothing. It's not shameful, but it's still kind of a big deal. Therapy, no therapy...that's not the issue. It's wild to me that the priority isn't sitting her down and having some serious talks about this relationship and sex. I can see why the boyfriend's parents are uncomfortable. Their teenaged son knocked someone up! It's important.

I agree with ths 100%.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It was not uncommon among the teen moms I worked with for a girl to intentionally conceive after a first unplanned pregnancy ended in an abortion or early miscarriage.

That's just what I was going to post. It's great a lot of you moved on from your abortions with no issues, but this is a very common thing, this is especially true if the girl senses her boyfriend is going to leave her, So Therapy isn't a bad idea, though I realize you can't really force her, but at the very least you need to be checking in with her OP, and talking about birth control.

This is why I would never tell my mom. Let it go!

Are you 17? YOu oddly seem to have stopped mentally maturing past your teenage years. Getting pregnant in high school while not shameful or the end of the world is a big deal and OP shouldn't just fob it off she needs to be aware of things so she can help her daughter.

Anonymous wrote:I think everyone is assuming way more negative stuff about OP’s relationship with her daughter. It also sounds like many of you have younger kids. 17yo come in a wide variety and for every glorified baby, there is usually a junior sized competent adult. Kids in both categories make mistakes and I’m sure OP is talking with her daughter about these things. It’s just not what she asked and honestly doesn’t seem relevant to the question she did ask.

Also, I would have been really upset if at age 17, my mom tried to dictate what birth control method I used and I would not have consented to have her in the room when I talked with my doctor about it. 17 is old enough for medical privacy to be an appropriate expectation.

Yeah 17 year olds get upset about alot of things that doesn't mean we abdicate discussing them, and it's clear her daughter isn't being responsible with BC since she " thinks she forgot to take it" so yeah OP needs to be having a conversation with her daughter.

I think everyone is assuming way more negative stuff about OP’s relationship with her daughter. It also sounds like many of you have younger kids. 17yo come in a wide variety and for every glorified baby, there is usually a junior sized competent adult. Kids in both categories make mistakes and I’m sure OP is talking with her daughter about these things. It’s just not what she asked and honestly doesn’t seem relevant to the question she did ask.

Also, I would have been really upset if at age 17, my mom tried to dictate what birth control method I used and I would not have consented to have her in the room when I talked with my doctor about it. 17 is old enough for medical privacy to be an appropriate expectation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with the birth control? Did she forget to take it and decide to have unprotected sex anyway? Did she want to get pregnant and then change her mind? She should get an IUD.

Her birth control method is her decision. If she wants an IUD in the future we’d make that happen. I am not sure what happened. She thinks she forgot a pill.

I was on BC when I got pregnant. Magically 4 other moms of kids in my DSs kindergarten class who had birthdays within 8 weeks of DS we’re on the same BC I was.

OP I thought I admired how you’re handling this at the beginning of the thread, but now I’m starting to think you’re a damn fool. Your daughter is a 17 year old minor. You’re treating her like she’s one of your adult friends

I think it's great that OP's daughter can talk to her and knows that there's no judgment about sex and its potential consequences. An open, supportive family is wonderful. But this seems to have veered too far into "it's all good, man" territory. A teenager getting pregnant isn't nothing. It's not shameful, but it's still kind of a big deal. Therapy, no therapy...that's not the issue. It's wild to me that the priority isn't sitting her down and having some serious talks about this relationship and sex. I can see why the boyfriend's parents are uncomfortable. Their teenaged son knocked someone up! It's important.

I have found that you can't force therapy on your kids, no matter how much you think they need it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with the birth control? Did she forget to take it and decide to have unprotected sex anyway? Did she want to get pregnant and then change her mind? She should get an IUD.

Her birth control method is her decision. If she wants an IUD in the future we’d make that happen. I am not sure what happened. She thinks she forgot a pill.

I was on BC when I got pregnant. Magically 4 other moms of kids in my DSs kindergarten class who had birthdays within 8 weeks of DS we’re on the same BC I was.

OP I thought I admired how you’re handling this at the beginning of the thread, but now I’m starting to think you’re a damn fool. Your daughter is a 17 year old minor. You’re treating her like she’s one of your adult friends

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What happened with the birth control? Did she forget to take it and decide to have unprotected sex anyway? Did she want to get pregnant and then change her mind? She should get an IUD.

Her birth control method is her decision. If she wants an IUD in the future we’d make that happen. I am not sure what happened. She thinks she forgot a pill.

I was on BC when I got pregnant. Magically 4 other moms of kids in my DSs kindergarten class who had birthdays within 8 weeks of DS we’re on the same BC I was.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just let her put the trauma past her. It's OK to do that. Whatever makes HER feel better.

As someone who plastered over trauma for thirty years, I suggest dealing with it now at 17 rather than with decades of emotional wreckage in your rear view window.

So you would have wanted to be pressured into therapy? Seriously?

1. I would have never told my parents and found Mooney to get the abortion on my own.

2. Would assume the therapy recommendation is because the Dr my suspect there is a bad power dynamic in the relationship if she is solely responsible for birth control while dating a boy from a religious family.