Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people cheat because they feel unloved, unappreciated, undesired.

Yes, they may still love their partner very much. Even be in love with them and want to stay in the marriage. But some of their fundamental needs are going unmet so they cheat to feel satisfied again. To feel like it’s ok for them to have needs, which are often getting shut down due to issues in the primary relationship.

It just isn’t so black and white like you love someone and so you don’t want anyone else. I really believe that if your needs are satisfied and you feel good then cheating won’t be appealing — why put in the energy? If people do there has to be a reason.

Excluding people with sex addictions or other issues that make them fundamentally ambivalent about monogamy, I mean. I’m just talking about cases where the person would in theory be satisfied with having sex with one person if they could get their needs met.

I think this is also at the root of a confusion people have about what it means to be committed to their partner. Many cheating people, commonly men, believe they are or feel they are still committed to their wives while they cheat. They still love and want to stay married to them. What they don’t see is that commitment isn’t just to a person or a state of affairs. Commitment in a relationship means you commit to getting your needs met in the relationship. Unfortunately people don’t see marriage that way, on both sides.

Eh, it is the rare (and probably unhealthy) relationship where all needs are met through one person. Finding means to have needs met outside the relationship while still remaining committed to the relationship makes sense.

For the purpose of this discussion, the question is does commitment mean your spouse should be OK with how you’re meeting those needs outside, or anything goes?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to boil most of the responses here down to this:
Men can. Women can't.

Yeah. All the women had/have to believe it was love to make themselves feel better. Otherwise, they feel like a Ho.

Contrary to what most of you are saying, I am a woman who was in love with my husband, and I had an affair. Our marriage was not great at the time due to work/financial/kids/moving out of state etc stress (aka the usual life stuff), but I loved him. I was having my own personal self esteem/unworthiness crisis and sought approval from other very high status men. I didn’t even so much actively seek attention as I did accept attention from these men. A more self-confident, grounded, self-aware, thoughtful woman would typically fend off this common unwanted attention, as we do on a daily basis. When was invited over I accepted under the guise of friendship. I wanted to be wanted by some high status people/men. Turned out of course they just wanted sex, and I got tangled up in emotions along the way. Of course I lost my marriage to my wonderful hardworking husband along the way. Don’t do it, people. If you love your spouse, reign in all of your broken-ness so you don’t inadvertently destroy your family. Lust and your personal issues can literally blind (limerence, cold vs hot emotional states) you to your real priority in life- your family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think people cheat because they feel unloved, unappreciated, undesired.

Yes, they may still love their partner very much. Even be in love with them and want to stay in the marriage. But some of their fundamental needs are going unmet so they cheat to feel satisfied again. To feel like it’s ok for them to have needs, which are often getting shut down due to issues in the primary relationship.

It just isn’t so black and white like you love someone and so you don’t want anyone else. I really believe that if your needs are satisfied and you feel good then cheating won’t be appealing — why put in the energy? If people do there has to be a reason.

Excluding people with sex addictions or other issues that make them fundamentally ambivalent about monogamy, I mean. I’m just talking about cases where the person would in theory be satisfied with having sex with one person if they could get their needs met.

I think this is also at the root of a confusion people have about what it means to be committed to their partner. Many cheating people, commonly men, believe they are or feel they are still committed to their wives while they cheat. They still love and want to stay married to them. What they don’t see is that commitment isn’t just to a person or a state of affairs. Commitment in a relationship means you commit to getting your needs met in the relationship. Unfortunately people don’t see marriage that way, on both sides.

Eh, it is the rare (and probably unhealthy) relationship where all needs are met through one person. Finding means to have needs met outside the relationship while still remaining committed to the relationship makes sense.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-AP was very in love with his wife. I was incredibly jealous.

That is so messed up. I was in love with my AP but if I knew he was in love with his wife I would not have been attracted to him. What he did to her was awful. But I think she was in love with him too.

It was messed up. I told him not to show photos and we stopped ever talking about his family. I was not happy in my marriage and he had by all appearances perfect wife and kids and a rich family/social life. I talked to my therapist and it was a case of “I want what she has.” He never once said a bad word about her, that’s what should have tipped me off he had no plans to ever divorce. I wasted a lot of time.

NP I am in this exact same situation. But I don't necessarily want what she has because, well, she has a husband that's cheating on her. I don't even know if I would want to be with him if he weren't married - too many issues, depressive, etc. But I have issues too. SO its like we've found comfort or companionship in each other but I'm not naive about what the reality of our situation is or have any delusions that this story is going to have some happily ever after ending. I am 100% going to divorce as soon as I can but I know he never will and I don't expect him to. Why, so he can be cheating on me too?

OMG. You are that woman. He is a cheater, but you are not EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE FRICKIN' MARRIED TOO. HA.

Another exhibit of: women want exit affairs and men just want free sex on the side.

They are in a battle with a woman who doesn't even know she is in one and they still can't win. They only bring 'their best' and try all their charms and flattery while the wife is just out there living. Men affair down for sex is real.

These losers would jump on these men in a heartbeat if they ever could get them to leave their wives.

In a nutshell: these women and the men with whom they are sleeping are personality-disordered, hoebag trash.

Anonymous wrote:Sure, monogamy is an unnatural human construct.

This is the real answer but they aren't ready to hear it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I disagree PP. Having a higher need for sex due to more testosterone is plausible but obtaining it via lying to your partner is not.

Right, I didn't say cheating was justified. Only that men can love deeply but the need to have sex with women other than your wife is always there. It's just hormones

I guess you’re saying that definition of love is different for men vs. women? Love typically does include trust and honesty, but maybe that’s not the case for men because of hormones? You don’t need trust and honesty? Men would be ok with women cheating in that case?

Anonymous wrote:I disagree PP. Having a higher need for sex due to more testosterone is plausible but obtaining it via lying to your partner is not.

Right, I didn't say cheating was justified. Only that men can love deeply but the need to have sex with women other than your wife is always there. It's just hormones

I disagree PP. Having a higher need for sex due to more testosterone is plausible but obtaining it via lying to your partner is not.

I have posted this before, but I promise women if we shot you up with a typical dose of male testosterone, you wouldn't be so philosophical about why men cheat.

All this stuff about broken homes and absent fathers, or narcissist and ego are pseudoscience. If you want to know men's natural sexual proclivity look at the gay community where there are no women to serve as gatekeeper.

I am not excusing infidelity, you should try to honor a commitment to monogamy.

Anonymous wrote:INFIDELITY is not about LOVE but about a personal need system out of wack, an inability to set boundaries, a sense of entitlement, an addiction problem, unresolved internal tension from a long time ago, a deep-seated belief of inadequacy plus more.”

Pretty much. It sure feels like love though.

INFIDELITY is not about LOVE but about a personal need system out of wack, an inability to set boundaries, a sense of entitlement, an addiction problem, unresolved internal tension from a long time ago, a deep-seated belief of inadequacy plus more.”

Men are more prone to casual and opportunistic cheating, which plays a big part in why they get caught. For women, however, cheating may be evidence of a more thought-out plan to address their perceived needs.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife was way hotter than the woman I cheated with. I never said a bad word about her, never have to anyone. She’s pretty much perfect in every way and I still cheated on her. It’s something I will always regret doing. Therapy really helped me get my head straight.

So what was the reason you cheated on her then, if you state she was perfect in every way?

It wasn’t about her. Cheaters often cheat for issues inside of themselves that have absolutely nothing to do with their partner.

Anonymous wrote:Are women this naive?

Of course, men can be wildly in love and still want to have sex with basically every hot woman in the world. So of course the can.

Whether they will depends on a lot of factors

It’s bit about naïveté. It’s about setting standards for yourself and those around you, and meeting them. I guess that is ok behavior to model for your kids?

Are women this naive?

Of course, men can be wildly in love and still want to have sex with basically every hot woman in the world. So of course the can.

Whether they will depends on a lot of factors