Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This situation finally makes sense to me with your 11:49 update, OP. The following part really stood out:

“I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".”

I’m assuming this is your sister you are talking about, and she’s seeking to avoid judgment from your parents and the extended family. The reality is that most families do judge picky eaters and many blame the parents to some extent. So her concern is reasonable, but her approach for avoiding this judgment is absolutely controlling, bizarre, and inappropriate. She needs to learn how to find a way to be happy in life without “winning” the parenting wars. There is not one single accommodation you need to make in this situation. If she has any sense at all, she’ll just load up her kids’ plates with whatever of the offerings they like and hope no one notices. If great Aunt Sally comments that she noticed your sister’s kids have not eaten the larks tongues in aspic (or whatever) and you are feeling charitable, you can help steer the conversation toward a less loaded subject.

It's not actually my sister, not that it matters other than if I had grown up in the same household, I might have grown a backbone by now?

I think one thing that has come away from this is that most families who serve large meals serve them buffet style. I am wondering if switching to that might help? I keep seeing people talking about filling plates. We have never done that, and until this thread I hadn't thought about that as a really key difference. For a meal like this, there is someone at the "head" of each table (we don't all fit at one table) who has a platter with all the proteins -- so it might be ham, turkey, beef or something like that. They ask each person what they want, and then it gets passed down to them. Then the rest of the dishes are passed. The kids usually sit by someone they don't live with, and if they're little, that person helps them help themselves if that makes sense.

But it means that the differences in ways kids eat is very obvious, and while I don't think anyone says judgmental things, I do think she feels embarrassed. Part of it is that her kids draw attention to themselves when there is a food they don't like. So, the larks' tongues come and they ask "Do I have to?" or they say "Eww what's that" or "I don't want to eat that" and everyone hears. My kids might not eat larks tongue, but they're much more likely to just take it and turn to the person next to them and say "would you like some larks' tongues?". But that difference is because my kids have some kind of eating superpower, it's just because the holiday meals are served in the way I serve things at home, whereas she plates the kids' food at her house.

I wonder if switching to a buffet, so she can prepare plates for her kids would make it feel less public? That is a compromise we could absolutely make. We'll all continue to cook what we like, with a mix of kid pleasers and more adventurous stuff, and change how we serve it.

No, I don't think most people do buffets - I think most people just don't feel obliged to take everything offered to them when dishes are being passed.

I'm curious - how does your family serve meals? Do you have waitstaff? Does grandma make a plate for everyone and serve it to them specifically? Because in my family, the meat is on the counter and is self serve, but everything else (side dishes/salads/rolls/etc.) are passed around the table. If you don't want something, you don't take it, and just pass the dish to the next person. You are absolutely not expected to take everything that is offered to you -- for one thing, there's not enough room on the plate for everything being served; for another, not everyone likes everything. I'm really confused about how your family works and serves meals.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This situation finally makes sense to me with your 11:49 update, OP. The following part really stood out:

“I think one dynamic is that she is pretty competitive and it bothers her that my kids eat "better"* than hers. Like, it's embarrassing to her when her kids are fussing about how they don't want something, and my kids are happily eating the same thing. So, she'd like to avoid that situation. My solution to that problem would be to tell the kids that they can say no thank you, but they need to do it politely without fussing. Her solution would be to not serve foods that her kids won't eat, so my kids won't be able to "show off".”

I’m assuming this is your sister you are talking about, and she’s seeking to avoid judgment from your parents and the extended family. The reality is that most families do judge picky eaters and many blame the parents to some extent. So her concern is reasonable, but her approach for avoiding this judgment is absolutely controlling, bizarre, and inappropriate. She needs to learn how to find a way to be happy in life without “winning” the parenting wars. There is not one single accommodation you need to make in this situation. If she has any sense at all, she’ll just load up her kids’ plates with whatever of the offerings they like and hope no one notices. If great Aunt Sally comments that she noticed your sister’s kids have not eaten the larks tongues in aspic (or whatever) and you are feeling charitable, you can help steer the conversation toward a less loaded subject.

It's not actually my sister, not that it matters other than if I had grown up in the same household, I might have grown a backbone by now?

I think one thing that has come away from this is that most families who serve large meals serve them buffet style. I am wondering if switching to that might help? I keep seeing people talking about filling plates. We have never done that, and until this thread I hadn't thought about that as a really key difference. For a meal like this, there is someone at the "head" of each table (we don't all fit at one table) who has a platter with all the proteins -- so it might be ham, turkey, beef or something like that. They ask each person what they want, and then it gets passed down to them. Then the rest of the dishes are passed. The kids usually sit by someone they don't live with, and if they're little, that person helps them help themselves if that makes sense.

But it means that the differences in ways kids eat is very obvious, and while I don't think anyone says judgmental things, I do think she feels embarrassed. Part of it is that her kids draw attention to themselves when there is a food they don't like. So, the larks' tongues come and they ask "Do I have to?" or they say "Eww what's that" or "I don't want to eat that" and everyone hears. My kids might not eat larks tongue, but they're much more likely to just take it and turn to the person next to them and say "would you like some larks' tongues?". But that difference is because my kids have some kind of eating superpower, it's just because the holiday meals are served in the way I serve things at home, whereas she plates the kids' food at her house.

I wonder if switching to a buffet, so she can prepare plates for her kids would make it feel less public? That is a compromise we could absolutely make. We'll all continue to cook what we like, with a mix of kid pleasers and more adventurous stuff, and change how we serve it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, come back and update us. Have you talked to your sister since last week? What's the latest?

It's not my sister. I'm trying to figure out whether to float this idea of a buffet, to see if it might help. Before I do that, I need to have a sense of the logistics in a small space. I know other people pull it off, but I am having trouble picturing it in our particular space. So, I need a moment to figure that out. We've got some time, this is about Christmas, not Thanksgiving.

Anonymous wrote:After OP’s latest update, I don’t think the relative is as crazy as she initially came off. The way the food is served is an invitation for judgment and/or unwanted attention. The meat option is “passed down” by the head of the table person individually upon announcing their selection?? Seriously, everyone gets to sit and watch what each person one by one is putting on their plate? Why so much pressure?! Bizarre practice! I would hate this. Then again, I don’t like drawing attention to myself willingly, let alone attention being drawn to me through no fault of my own.

Anonymous wrote:OP, come back and update us. Have you talked to your sister since last week? What's the latest?

Anonymous wrote:After OP’s latest update, I don’t think the relative is as crazy as she initially came off. The way the food is served is an invitation for judgment and/or unwanted attention. The meat option is “passed down” by the head of the table person individually upon announcing their selection?? Seriously, everyone gets to sit and watch what each person one by one is putting on their plate? Why so much pressure?! Bizarre practice! I would hate this. Then again, I don’t like drawing attention to myself willingly, let alone attention being drawn to me through no fault of my own.

Anonymous wrote:Kid is 9 now and has to eat from what’s offered. There is more leeway at home obviously. She prefers carrots raw for example so has those as a veggie with dinner while I may have a different vegetable. I don’t like ketchup but if she wants ketchup on her chicken burger she can have ketchup. We went to a friends house for dinner s couple of weeks ago, pot luck style, my kid tried a few things but ultimately ate bread and fruit. It was fine, it was one meal. We were there to enjoy our friends not battle over food. But I’m also not bringing something just I know she has something I know she’ll eat. I have a friend with a 12yo son that really only eats chicken nuggets. We were all going to have dinner together yesterday but the Mexican we wanted to try didn’t sell nuggets so we had to choose somewhere else. That’s just craziness. They cater to him because he has autism and they don’t want him to lose his shit….. but now he’s over weight and only eats about 5-6 things.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.

My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. They've always eaten what we make/give them. Never had any food issues. I don't expect them to sample one of everything over holidays. They eat, and stop once they're full.

My question is whether you're choosing what they eat at the holidays, or you're making an exception and allowing them to choose.

I'm asking because I have a family member who believes this -- that kids should eat what's put in front of them, which I understand in her home, but she's not an adventurous cook, so he kids are used to food being familiar. As we plan Christmas dinner, she keeps objecting to foods because she thinks her kids won't like it and she feels like it's mean to expect them to have to eat food they don't like at Christmas.

I'm trying to find a middle ground between unhappy kids, and the rest of us not having to eat foods that are "little kid friendly".

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.

Our table just isn’t big enough for everyone, so we have the 4 cousins at the folding table. They absolutely love it. They don’t feel banished.

Anonymous wrote:Especially for holidays?

I have a relative whose parenting around food is very different from my own. I'm not saying either of us is right or wrong, but I'm hoping to get a better sense of what they're thinking so I can propose some compromises.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No idea if this would work for your family but perhaps having the meal buffet style with a separate childrens' table? Seems less likely that the adults will notice what the kids are eating.

OP here,

Am I the only one who really hates the children's table? I'd rather serve all "kid friendly food" then banish my children from the table.