Anonymous wrote:I agree with you in 90% of cases but sometimes it is the DIL/SIL who is actively trying to reduce contact or family vacation time. Like the son/brother will be on the phone and she’ll pull him away for something trivial (which is okay if it’s occasional, but not if it’s constant). Or the son/brother wants to visit, but she’s “in charge” of the social and vacation calendar and there’s no room to see the ILs. Again this is not common but it is true for some families.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

They literally cannot accept that they’re not the coolest kids on the block.

I also think it’s sisters that have been raised by their moms to be mini-me, but can’t even fathom for two seconds that their brothers did not have the same family experience. They think their families are perfect, but brother has always been watching from the sidelines.

I think the mothers and the sisters who think their precious sons or brothers are being held back and forced by their evil wives to not contact their family have probably babied and coddled their son/brother their whole lives and gasp have the not my family member syndrome. Nooo my precious son/brother would never stop talking to us on his own accord his evil wife must have cast a spell on him

Anonymous wrote:I’m the only reason DH ever calls his mom. I’m the one who remembers her birthday, Mother’s Day and sends her a Christmas gift. I spent years trying to keep her connected to our kids - sending her photos and having the kids send her art and letters. I’ve stopped trying so hard because she never seemed to warm to me. She’s polite to me but doesn’t show any interest in a real relationship with me or the kids. She just has an interest in DH. I’m positive she thinks I keep him away.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

They literally cannot accept that they’re not the coolest kids on the block.

I also think it’s sisters that have been raised by their moms to be mini-me, but can’t even fathom for two seconds that their brothers did not have the same family experience. They think their families are perfect, but brother has always been watching from the sidelines.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

That's just it though unless his wife is tying him to a chair one adult cannot "prevent" another adult from who they see. If he really wanted to see his family he would make it a point to despite what his wife says. Everyone has cell phones now a days he can pick up the phone and call them or hop in the car himself and visit them.

What's with all these posters letting the man off the hook when it's their family and they are responsible for their own actions?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Because sometimes the SIL/DIL does prevent the brother/son from seeing his family by putting her family over his. And if the wife wants to go to wife's family for X holiday than the husband is going to cave. How many of you said "happy wife, happy life"?

Honestly, my brother does his best to keep in touch but, we are never going to celebrate holidays together and that is fact. don't worry we don't bother SIL and she gets to do what she want.

Anonymous wrote:I see it time and again, and just experienced it this weekend: women who insist on blaming/chiding/cajoling their DILs or SILs instead of the son they raised or the brother they grew up with for failing to keep in touch, not sending gifts, not agreeing to visits or vacation plans, etc., etc.

My MIL and FIL visited this weekend, and MIL was all over me to FaceTime with the kids more. I said, “Why don’t you arrange that with Bill?” She looked at me like I have two heads. I text her kid pics and occasionally text to see how she’s doing or say happy birthday or whatever, but I hate FaceTiming in general, and it’s especially bad with MIL/FIL because they don’t allow anyone else to talk, they shout, and they expect the kids to sit still and “chat” for 20-30 minutes, when small kids have little interest in that. So I leave FaceTime calls with my husband’s family to…my husband.

Then we’ve got the current poster in this forum who is mad at her SIL for perceived lack of interest in a visit when at least the SIL responded to her text, and her own brother didn’t respond at all!

What is with women who expect only other women to carry family duties/emotional labor, when it’s not even their own family of origin?! You want to talk/visit/make plans? Pick up the damn phone and call your son/brother. And if you don’t hear from them much, well, it’s not their wives’ fault that they are just not that into you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not always the same dynamic. My brother's wife definitely prevents my parents from having much of a relationship with their kids. They live 20 minutes apart and see each other maybe 4 times a year. And there's no way to prove this online, but my parents are easy and pleasant to be around. I routinely call them to fly across the country to babysit for me for weeks and they do it, including dishes, yard work, etc. My SIL just doesn't want to facilitate a relationship for reasons unknown and my brother is passive and conflict-averse to the point of being practically dead. Obviously that's on him, but if he were steering the ship my parents would definitely get their wish to babysit now and then or get together more than once a quarter.

But it’s still him! The whole point of this thread, and this illustrates it perfectly. She’s supposed to facilitate because he is a passive doormat.

As I've explained, no one is asking her to do anything to actively facilitate, just not to actively obstruct. My brother brings the kids over to my parents' a lot more when she's out of town. He always chooses the path of least resistance, and that's obviously on him, but choosing to say no to 9/10 requests for a visit is on her. You want this to be black and white, but it's not. My parents ask my brother for times when it would be convenient to visit, he says he'll check with her, and she comes up with excuses for why there are literally no times when it will be possible. She reads his text messages so there is no way to discuss this dynamic directly with him. As I've said many times, no one thinks my brother is blameless, but her choices are unkind for no reason and she is responsible for her own choices.

So, he could chose to not use her as an excuse, and come separately /alone with the kids to visit. He could call you himself so she cannot intercept his texts. He could figure out and manage the family schedule himself so he knows when there is time. If he is in such a controlling and abusive relationship that he is being isolated from family he wants to see, he could also choose to end the relationship.

Managing the relationship with your family is on him, even if she makes it hard. The problem is he is not managing it, and that falls on him.

Or.. the way it’s being managed is just fine for him. He doesn’t really want to extend the relationship with you, and letting her take the reins is an easy out.

I suspect if the shoe were on the other foot, you would see the situation differently. Your inherent sexism is showing. Women can be controlling, just like men. My SIL is 10 years older, makes more money, and has a much stronger personality. I don't think she's a bad person, and we get along fine, but it is clear from her actions that she does not want their kids to have a relationship with their paternal grandparents, there is no history here that would make this reasonable, and she is definitely controlling. If a man controlled his wife's relationship with her family in this way, I expect you would see red flags, but when it's the other way around you expect the man to simply "choose" to unilaterally change the dynamic. It also isn't about me - I live on the other side of the country and frankly I am indifferent as to whether we have a relationship. I have lots of friends, my parents, and my ILs in my life and don't need anything from my brother and SIL. I feel bad for my parents, and to some extent I feel bad for their kids who are missing out on the benefits of local family. My parents have spent aeons more time with my kids, who live 3000 miles away, than with their kids, who live 10 miles away. My kids love my parents and they have a very sweet and supportive relationship. They also love my husband's parents and spend lots of time with them, because I'm not an obstructionist jerk. I don't facilitate those visits as that is my DH's job, but I also don't block them. Do you see the difference?