Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We are experiencing this as well. these mean girls need a reality check. For example, girls teasing my daughter (8) saying she looks like she’s 6. Told daughter she needs to correct them on the spot that they are mean. Might need to also point out that girls look just like their mothers when they are older: she will look like me, and well, they will look like their mothers! mean joke is on them!

Your last comment doesn’t sound mean to you?

This person is tone deaf if you haven’t read this thread yet

Anonymous wrote:We are experiencing this as well. these mean girls need a reality check. For example, girls teasing my daughter (8) saying she looks like she’s 6. Told daughter she needs to correct them on the spot that they are mean. Might need to also point out that girls look just like their mothers when they are older: she will look like me, and well, they will look like their mothers! mean joke is on them!

Your last comment doesn’t sound mean to you?

We are experiencing this as well. these mean girls need a reality check. For example, girls teasing my daughter (8) saying she looks like she’s 6. Told daughter she needs to correct them on the spot that they are mean. Might need to also point out that girls look just like their mothers when they are older: she will look like me, and well, they will look like their mothers! mean joke is on them!

There is a hypothesis in mental health that girls actually have higher prevalence of untreated mental health disorders, because the emphasis in mental health is more towards "threat detection" than "mental health", and girls haven't historically been considered much of a "threat".

Counter intuitively large boys tend to be pretty easy going after all, because it's essentially been bread out of them. Though, their "mental health" tends to be of ongoing concern to society. Even though these days physicality isn't so important in threat detection eg guns, cars, rabies.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something is really off about this thread. Of course there will always be this type of behavior but it has never been and is not currently the norm. MOST girls are not mean or exclusionary. I wonder if you're all wealthy private school parents? We're a middle class/upper middle class public school family and while, of course, my girls have experienced some sort of meanness from other kids, it is by no means the norm, and definitely not most girls.

When I see threads like this, I think: this must be private school parents whose kids (1) aren't exposed to people outside of their small already exclusionary/snobby school community and (2) maybe just maybe feel entitled to always having the best experiences only.

My kids go to a public school in a solidly UMC area. "Most" kids are not mean, I agree. But there are a hell of a lot more than I was expecting. Sigh.

That being said, I agree that something is very off about OP's experience. She recounts that her DD is repeatedly encountering violent and physically aggressive 9 yr old girls? Like, what? We've encountered one violent girl over the years with my two DDs, and she had well-documented special needs. If true, OP, you are in a very weird (creepy) circle.

After thinking about it, there are 5-6 mean girls. The other girls may have some outbursts or have some off moments.

I do think our Girl Scouts troop and some dance girls are toxic. That isn’t saying all scouts or dancers are bad.

Women are naturally made this way. Think of a Crocodile protecting her nest!

Anonymous wrote:I have two boys and a daughter. With my boys, we have mostly encountered stable families and boys play sports, do well in school, play video games and very little drama. They did scouts and all the boys were pretty nice.

My daughter has similar activities now and the girls all seem so mean! They are competitive, jealous, emotional and high drama. It is tiring. There are so few nice normal girls. My child seems like a fish out of water. Any activity or sport she tried, it starts out fine and it feels like anytime we get to know the other kids and familie, we find out the girls are not nice at all. I have felt this in Girl Scouts and dance especially.

Wow. Do you always generalize????

Anonymous wrote:Something is really off about this thread. Of course there will always be this type of behavior but it has never been and is not currently the norm. MOST girls are not mean or exclusionary. I wonder if you're all wealthy private school parents? We're a middle class/upper middle class public school family and while, of course, my girls have experienced some sort of meanness from other kids, it is by no means the norm, and definitely not most girls.

When I see threads like this, I think: this must be private school parents whose kids (1) aren't exposed to people outside of their small already exclusionary/snobby school community and (2) maybe just maybe feel entitled to always having the best experiences only.

My kids go to a public school in a solidly UMC area. "Most" kids are not mean, I agree. But there are a hell of a lot more than I was expecting. Sigh.

That being said, I agree that something is very off about OP's experience. She recounts that her DD is repeatedly encountering violent and physically aggressive 9 yr old girls? Like, what? We've encountered one violent girl over the years with my two DDs, and she had well-documented special needs. If true, OP, you are in a very weird (creepy) circle.

Something is really off about this thread. Of course there will always be this type of behavior but it has never been and is not currently the norm. MOST girls are not mean or exclusionary. I wonder if you're all wealthy private school parents? We're a middle class/upper middle class public school family and while, of course, my girls have experienced some sort of meanness from other kids, it is by no means the norm, and definitely not most girls.

When I see threads like this, I think: this must be private school parents whose kids (1) aren't exposed to people outside of their small already exclusionary/snobby school community and (2) maybe just maybe feel entitled to always having the best experiences only.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have daughters (and only had sisters too) and they are teens now. And yes in our experience most girls are at worst mean and catty and at best just not thoughtful. There are a few nice ones but they are very hard to identify and in high demand as friends. The remaining girls tend to be anti-social (want to read at recess, only want to discuss very limited subjects, don't want to hang out or do things outside of school, or the parents don't let them.)

I'm hoping college is a better experience for them.

Your description of "anti-social" girls is off. That's just a girl who knows who she is and is okay hanging out on her own. Those are actually good qualities. It's just irritating to you during the awkward, anxious jockeying for friends that tweens engage in, because you want these kids to hang out with your kid, who may be less discerning about friends and just want someone to hang out with. Which is also fine, and can also be a good quality to serves her well..

But I'd like to discourage people from thinking that any child who doesn't hit it off with your kid or doesn't want to be friends with your kid is "mean" or "anti-social." Are you friends with literally every woman your age in your general vicinity? I am not. It's okay for kids to have preferences, to sometimes choose to be alone rather than play with someone whose interests are different than theirs, or to have niche interests that excite them even if it's not what everyone is doing.

Fine. The point is - it’s not that easy to just “find other friends.” Plenty of girls are not even really looking for friends.

Do you think you (or your DD) may be looking for too much in friends?

My tween DD has kind of a hodgepodge collection of friends in different settings, no really "friend group" and definitely no best friend. She's got 2-3 kids at school she likes and spends recess and aftercare with. Two are girls and one is a boy. I don't even think these kids are friends with each other, so DD kind of rotates through them. We see them occasionally outside of school but not that often, maybe once or twice a month (everyone is just busy with activities and other stuff, it's hard to coordinate).

She also has a group of girls in an activity she has been doing for years who she is very friendly with. It's not through school and none of these other girls go to her same school. She's actually never socialized with any of those girls outside of that activity. But she has a great time with them when they are together. In the last two years it's gone from a once a week activity to three times a week, so this is actually a lot of time with these girls. Some will likely be in the same MS with DD and I could see them socializing at school for sure.

Then she has a handful of friends who are really sort of like cousins. These are kids of our good friends who we've known since any of us had kids, and then we all had daughters within a few years of each other. Some of these girls are older, some are younger. They've known each other since they were babies. The dynamics are super different than friends she's met through school or activities, but in a good way. It's understood we are going to socialize with these families no matter what, so the kids have been highly incentivized to get along and like each other (so like cousins). We expect them to largely entertain themselves while the adults socialize, which also changes the dynamic in a good way.

So lots of friends, but not a best friend or a solid friend group or even really any friends who overlap with more than one sphere of her life. But it's enough socializing, she gets along with all of them, and she seems happy socially despite being an only child. The key for us is never expecting too much from any one relationship and letting these friendships be whatever they are naturally without pushing to hard to make them bigger or closer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I only have daughters (and only had sisters too) and they are teens now. And yes in our experience most girls are at worst mean and catty and at best just not thoughtful. There are a few nice ones but they are very hard to identify and in high demand as friends. The remaining girls tend to be anti-social (want to read at recess, only want to discuss very limited subjects, don't want to hang out or do things outside of school, or the parents don't let them.)

I'm hoping college is a better experience for them.

Your description of "anti-social" girls is off. That's just a girl who knows who she is and is okay hanging out on her own. Those are actually good qualities. It's just irritating to you during the awkward, anxious jockeying for friends that tweens engage in, because you want these kids to hang out with your kid, who may be less discerning about friends and just want someone to hang out with. Which is also fine, and can also be a good quality to serves her well..

But I'd like to discourage people from thinking that any child who doesn't hit it off with your kid or doesn't want to be friends with your kid is "mean" or "anti-social." Are you friends with literally every woman your age in your general vicinity? I am not. It's okay for kids to have preferences, to sometimes choose to be alone rather than play with someone whose interests are different than theirs, or to have niche interests that excite them even if it's not what everyone is doing.

Fine. The point is - it’s not that easy to just “find other friends.” Plenty of girls are not even really looking for friends.

We had a group of boy mean moms. When I say mean, I mean vicious. I had a girl so not sure how the boys were, but the moms were busy sowing high drama at that age.

I have a tween and I would say there have been bouts of mean girl behavior but I really don’t think of any one as a mean girl. The dynamics are really tough. Yes there’s always some jealousy over something but it’s rarely money. My kid is intensely jealous/annoyed by the Girl Scout troup leader’s daughter because she always has an inside scoop and tries to take over the activities. Her mom is one of the nicest people I have ever met but does give her kid special roles and doesn’t seem to understand how the daughter uses that to boss the other girls around. But that’s just something we talk about, and honestly my kid is prone to bossiness so it’s good for her to be on the other side of it.

But outside of groups that she’s sort of stuck in she just hangs out with other girls who are nice to her. We tell her all the time you can be friendly with out being friends and that’s served her really well. She has done such a good job of not getting wrapped up in the drama and if someone is rude to her she just says whatever and moves on. She has friends outside of school as well and a close relationship with a cousin and I think that gives her the confidence to not get bogged down with the drama. I highly recommend trying to invest in multiple friend groups, even if some are different ages or something. It’s really helpful.

Yes, I have two daughters. Both experienced incredible meanness from elementary school through middle school. Things in high school got much, much better for my older daughter. Moms are often oblivious to how cruel their daughters can be.

Anonymous wrote:I only have daughters (and only had sisters too) and they are teens now. And yes in our experience most girls are at worst mean and catty and at best just not thoughtful. There are a few nice ones but they are very hard to identify and in high demand as friends. The remaining girls tend to be anti-social (want to read at recess, only want to discuss very limited subjects, don't want to hang out or do things outside of school, or the parents don't let them.)

I'm hoping college is a better experience for them.

Your description of "anti-social" girls is off. That's just a girl who knows who she is and is okay hanging out on her own. Those are actually good qualities. It's just irritating to you during the awkward, anxious jockeying for friends that tweens engage in, because you want these kids to hang out with your kid, who may be less discerning about friends and just want someone to hang out with. Which is also fine, and can also be a good quality to serves her well..

But I'd like to discourage people from thinking that any child who doesn't hit it off with your kid or doesn't want to be friends with your kid is "mean" or "anti-social." Are you friends with literally every woman your age in your general vicinity? I am not. It's okay for kids to have preferences, to sometimes choose to be alone rather than play with someone whose interests are different than theirs, or to have niche interests that excite them even if it's not what everyone is doing.