I’ve understood about the mundanity and frequency of infidelity since I was a preteen - that’s when I became my mother’s confidant and got to hear in detail about all the infidelities in marriages on both sides of my family, as well as in the marriages of neighbors and friends - my mother was the kind of woman people opened up to and I guess she wanted me to know from the start that the idea of fidelity was nice but all too rare in practice.

From the time I was a teenaged waitress and through my university and law school years and in my career which included regular travel for professional conferences and trainings, I have been approached dozens of times by married men or men otherwise in committed relationships looking to get some strange on the side. Ironically despite my mother’s efforts to educate me on the commonality of extramarital affairs, I found the whole idea répugnant and would never engage with anyone I suspected of being married - although I’m sure in my years of sexual exploration I probably had at least one affair with someone I didn’t realize was married or committed.

In my life as an attorney in family and criminal law I’ve seen tons of evidence of marital betrayals that endure for years before the secret gets out to the one being betrayed. Most interesting is that in some cases it’s an open secret in a small community and might even involve out of wedlock children and everyone kind of knows except the spouse whose head is buried deeply in denial.

I’m not arguing that I’m a wholly healthy person, but I do think my choice to stay single for the vast majority of my life based on my understanding of the fickleness of love combined with all the sacrifices marriage requires especially of women is not at all an unhealthy one. I’ve seen others devastated by infidelity and it is something I would never want to endure myself so I simply avoid the possibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would guess that this follows a fairly normal bell curve distribution with 20 pct being intensely faithful and 20 pct being in longer term or multiple affairs (which I’m defining as physical with intercourse).

In between I would guess from my own experience that most people have strayed a little emotionally and/or had physical interactions that fall short of sex (e.g. making out at a bar) depending on what arouses them. I’m pretty average in every way but often find school moms as well as total randoms flirting with me or giving me an inviting look which cues me to chat them up. I have zero interest in leaving my spouse so the furthest I’ve taken anything is just a few one on one playdates and some flirtatious text banter with a bored mom, but am sure those looking to go further can do so easily.

Agree with those who have said that monogamy is not human nature, particularly in 40s and 50s when you haven’t dated and slept around in some time. We reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure. On the flip side also think alternative arrangements like polyamory are a bit weird; if you’re going to cheat just blow it up completely or operate completely under the radar screen.

💯- we reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure.

I’m a 50 year old woman and completely agree with all of this.
But I am very surprised by my desire to still feel sexually alive at this age and it’s not really compatible with a long term marriage. I had no idea these feelings would surface at this age.

And there goes the conflict. A long term marriage is generally not compatible with sexual excitement. This is because familiarity results in boredom.

Anonymous wrote:Former Sugar Baby here. I'd say about 75% of men cheat. All those men that work long hours will make time in the middle of the day to cheat. They claim to "love their wives and children" They'll cheat on a random Tuesday during lunch and then make it to their kids soccer game that evening. It's also men you would never suspect and they bring their friends around too, and yes there friends are cheating as well.

75% is ridiculous. I’m sure your time as a prostitute has skewed your perspective, but not even 75% of married men could find an AP to begin with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It also helps when they have a commute as it makes it less likely the spouse will drop in. Mine also had a varying work schedule including late nights so he would come and go as he pleased, even coming up with extra work days to see her.

Agree. They often will screen online for those that live a bit of a commute away and verify social circle is different. This is common cheater protocol on AM. Less chance for run-ins, detection, etc.

Yeah, this is with a coworker. It was “too far” To go to the holiday party so o never got to meet anyone.

He also (apparently) injured himself so found a physiotherapist close to work vs. Near home. He then proceeded to book appointments there on his days off.

Having to drop in the office for a bit on WAH days. Planting their location there- while elsewhere.

Anonymous wrote:It also helps when they have a commute as it makes it less likely the spouse will drop in. Mine also had a varying work schedule including late nights so he would come and go as he pleased, even coming up with extra work days to see her.

Agree. They often will screen online for those that live a bit of a commute away and verify social circle is different. This is common cheater protocol on AM. Less chance for run-ins, detection, etc.

It also helps when they have a commute as it makes it less likely the spouse will drop in. Mine also had a varying work schedule including late nights so he would come and go as he pleased, even coming up with extra work days to see her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Former Sugar Baby here. I'd say about 75% of men cheat. All those men that work long hours will make time in the middle of the day to cheat. They claim to "love their wives and children" They'll cheat on a random Tuesday during lunch and then make it to their kids soccer game that evening. It's also men you would never suspect and they bring their friends around too, and yes there friends are cheating as well.

Sadly this is true. Since there is no “lost time” and they are always home nights and weekends with no travel, the spouses never suspect a thing. Maybe just that he/she has turned into kind of a critical, a-hole- but they just attribute that to work stress.

Oh, for sure. If I was to cheat, it would definitely be in the middle of the day. Smart tactic.

Anonymous wrote:People tend to project attributes of their own marriage onto the population at large. So those people here who haven't cheated are answering in the 10% range, while those who have are answering 50% or more.

It's also the people who have been cheated on who are answering 50% plus.

The people saying 10% or less are the ones who have been cheated on but are completely oblivious.

Anonymous wrote:Former Sugar Baby here. I'd say about 75% of men cheat. All those men that work long hours will make time in the middle of the day to cheat. They claim to "love their wives and children" They'll cheat on a random Tuesday during lunch and then make it to their kids soccer game that evening. It's also men you would never suspect and they bring their friends around too, and yes there friends are cheating as well.

Sadly this is true. Since there is no “lost time” and they are always home nights and weekends with no travel, the spouses never suspect a thing. Maybe just that he/she has turned into kind of a critical, a-hole- but they just attribute that to work stress.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would guess that this follows a fairly normal bell curve distribution with 20 pct being intensely faithful and 20 pct being in longer term or multiple affairs (which I’m defining as physical with intercourse).

In between I would guess from my own experience that most people have strayed a little emotionally and/or had physical interactions that fall short of sex (e.g. making out at a bar) depending on what arouses them. I’m pretty average in every way but often find school moms as well as total randoms flirting with me or giving me an inviting look which cues me to chat them up. I have zero interest in leaving my spouse so the furthest I’ve taken anything is just a few one on one playdates and some flirtatious text banter with a bored mom, but am sure those looking to go further can do so easily.

Agree with those who have said that monogamy is not human nature, particularly in 40s and 50s when you haven’t dated and slept around in some time. We reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure. On the flip side also think alternative arrangements like polyamory are a bit weird; if you’re going to cheat just blow it up completely or operate completely under the radar screen.

💯- we reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure.

I’m a 50 year old woman and completely agree with all of this.
But I am very surprised by my desire to still feel sexually alive at this age and it’s not really compatible with a long term marriage. I had no idea these feelings would surface at this age.

Yep - 44 year old woman and same. I believe monogamy is a choice and not an instinct.

47 yo woman and same.

I’m more energetic and sexual than ever but it’s too bad DH doesn’t care.

Let me know when you choose non-monogamy!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would guess that this follows a fairly normal bell curve distribution with 20 pct being intensely faithful and 20 pct being in longer term or multiple affairs (which I’m defining as physical with intercourse).

In between I would guess from my own experience that most people have strayed a little emotionally and/or had physical interactions that fall short of sex (e.g. making out at a bar) depending on what arouses them. I’m pretty average in every way but often find school moms as well as total randoms flirting with me or giving me an inviting look which cues me to chat them up. I have zero interest in leaving my spouse so the furthest I’ve taken anything is just a few one on one playdates and some flirtatious text banter with a bored mom, but am sure those looking to go further can do so easily.

Agree with those who have said that monogamy is not human nature, particularly in 40s and 50s when you haven’t dated and slept around in some time. We reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure. On the flip side also think alternative arrangements like polyamory are a bit weird; if you’re going to cheat just blow it up completely or operate completely under the radar screen.

💯- we reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure.

I’m a 50 year old woman and completely agree with all of this.
But I am very surprised by my desire to still feel sexually alive at this age and it’s not really compatible with a long term marriage. I had no idea these feelings would surface at this age.

Yep - 44 year old woman and same. I believe monogamy is a choice and not an instinct.

47 yo woman and same.

I’m more energetic and sexual than ever but it’s too bad DH doesn’t care.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would guess that this follows a fairly normal bell curve distribution with 20 pct being intensely faithful and 20 pct being in longer term or multiple affairs (which I’m defining as physical with intercourse).

In between I would guess from my own experience that most people have strayed a little emotionally and/or had physical interactions that fall short of sex (e.g. making out at a bar) depending on what arouses them. I’m pretty average in every way but often find school moms as well as total randoms flirting with me or giving me an inviting look which cues me to chat them up. I have zero interest in leaving my spouse so the furthest I’ve taken anything is just a few one on one playdates and some flirtatious text banter with a bored mom, but am sure those looking to go further can do so easily.

Agree with those who have said that monogamy is not human nature, particularly in 40s and 50s when you haven’t dated and slept around in some time. We reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure. On the flip side also think alternative arrangements like polyamory are a bit weird; if you’re going to cheat just blow it up completely or operate completely under the radar screen.

💯- we reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure.

I’m a 50 year old woman and completely agree with all of this.
But I am very surprised by my desire to still feel sexually alive at this age and it’s not really compatible with a long term marriage. I had no idea these feelings would surface at this age.

Yep - 44 year old woman and same. I believe monogamy is a choice and not an instinct.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Would guess that this follows a fairly normal bell curve distribution with 20 pct being intensely faithful and 20 pct being in longer term or multiple affairs (which I’m defining as physical with intercourse).

In between I would guess from my own experience that most people have strayed a little emotionally and/or had physical interactions that fall short of sex (e.g. making out at a bar) depending on what arouses them. I’m pretty average in every way but often find school moms as well as total randoms flirting with me or giving me an inviting look which cues me to chat them up. I have zero interest in leaving my spouse so the furthest I’ve taken anything is just a few one on one playdates and some flirtatious text banter with a bored mom, but am sure those looking to go further can do so easily.

Agree with those who have said that monogamy is not human nature, particularly in 40s and 50s when you haven’t dated and slept around in some time. We reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure. On the flip side also think alternative arrangements like polyamory are a bit weird; if you’re going to cheat just blow it up completely or operate completely under the radar screen.

💯- we reign in our instincts to salvage a healthy family rearing and financial structure.

I’m a 50 year old woman and completely agree with all of this.
But I am very surprised by my desire to still feel sexually alive at this age and it’s not really compatible with a long term marriage. I had no idea these feelings would surface at this age.

Anonymous wrote:Not the percentage that are divorced. But include couples who are unfaithful and their spouse never finds out or they know but don’t divorce.

I think it’s around 70%.

Sheesh. This is such a pessimistic outlook.

I’m one of four adult kids and suspect that 1 or 2 out of 4 of our marriages have had infidelity though - suspect one long term and other during a rough patch.

I honestly can’t imagine any of my good friends marriages having cheating going on though. I might be naive, just not as close to them, or maybe it’s that we’re younger than my siblings, but I imagine the percentage is much lower among my friends. I’ve heard of some stories of affairs among other couples around my age at my kids school, but they seem like outliers.