Anonymous wrote:wth is this thread #weird

Stop bumping polemic threads!

Can also be normal for 13-year-old girls too, as I have one. She marches to the beat of her own drum and has told us she does not want more scheduled activities on weekends, which is how most of the kids socialize. Reading, family time, volunteering 1x per month and just having down time to herself are how she spends our weekends. As long as your child seems engaged in something and isn't on a screen all weekend I would not worry too much.

Anonymous wrote:Are you kidding me? You need to calm down. This is extremely common for 13-year-old boys. You’re gonna project your insecurity on him and that’s gonna be worse.

+1

parents on this board must have way too much free time on their hands

wth is this thread #weird

Nothing made me feel worse as an awkward 9th grader than my parents peppering me with questions about whether other kids went to parties and telling me I was allowed to go if I wanted to (I was not invited)

Anonymous wrote:

School sports and activities are the obvious solution. Plays, music, clubs and teams. Every season has at least one no cut sport.

This doesn't necessarily form friendships, though I agree it can help make acquaintances. My son joined his schools intra-mural soccer club and chess club. he is pretty good at both, and yet he has only met acquaintances through them. Kids he can sit with at lunch, but nothing seemed to ever transfer to outside of school. He is in 8th now, so I don't think this will change. He is a little socially immature (very uninterested in girls, professional spots, and some other things boys his age seem to like), but overall friendly and appropriate, so I'm not sure why things didn't work out.

Have him talk to the kids in his grade in the chess club and plan a day or two to binge watch Queen’s Gambit. Invite a couple guys over to watch the next USQ game (that’s on a weekend night). No big productions. No looking for a BFF. Just social hanging out. No big deal. Maybe he likes the kids and maybe not.

Our thing as parents was that the kids had to do something at school and something outside of school, and 1 church thing. Church was pretty easy - youth choirs were 1 evening a week and pretty fun. Mostly the kids did school sports and school theater. Outside of school was typically a travel sport and/or scouts. Take up something new. Art or rock climbing or fencing or …. Our youngest has an on campus job now as the “safety supervisor” for the rock climbing wall on campus. Pretty dead he says but he gets homework done when no one is there. Take up something like swimming. No - not going for the Olympics, but I can attest we lost a good babysitter due to her taking up swimming. She was nice, studious, the kids liked her and she was available as she was a bit overweight. She took up swimming (no cut sport) as a sophomore and quickly got in shape, and we lost our babysitter. In middle school our youngest got a role in the local professional theater’s production of A Christmas Carol”. He was a Cratchit child (not Tiny Tim), and an apprentice for Fezzywig’s, and a “boy” in street scenes. He did that for 3 seasons until he was 14 (would have to be part of the union after 14). Great experience and his standby when doing those introduction games now where you say something people do not know about yourself, “I was a professional child actor”.

I always recommend Scouts for kids who are 12-13. You don’t have to be a Cub Scout and girls are allowed now. You may have to fish around for a troop that is a good fit and reasonably close by. Our kids troop was super nerdy. But, the boys learned stuff and loved the camping and outdoors stuff. Not at all competitive. We missed it with our oldest. Our daughter did a couple years of Brownies but then sports took over for her. Our two youngest though (both boys) did it and both got their Eagle Scout rank. Both have had it come up in interviews - they carry their Eagle ID card with them now to interviews.

The reality is that stuff does not just happen. You have to join things and try things. Parents have to help them join things and guide them. It is not a random thing.

My mom is very extroverted and had me in so my activities in MS and HS. It was exhausting for me. She loved it. I wasn’t exactly introverted but remember looking forward to the weekends where I could decompress and not have to socialize.

This was normal for me. At 13 not that big of a deal. Do something fun he likes.

OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.

I have two follow up questions to ascertain information that may be helpful in providing advice:

1) Have you observed his interactions with peers? From observations of my kids (each of whom has a few friends), they are open to hanging out with most kids, as long as the kids take turns listening and talking (and reciprocate in conversation), are interactive and willing to do things. They are put off if kids don't reciprocate conversation, or talk and don't listen. It could 100 percent be that your son is just encountering jerky kids, but is there a change he needs to work on any of those skills?

2) It may just have to be that he keeps being the one to initiate for kids that hung out once and didn't contact him again. My son has some friends that never reach out to him, but are always willing to do things if he asks them. I don't know why they don't ask him, but that is how it is. They seem to like him, but never initiate.

3) Is your son open to meeting any kids with common interests/willingness to hang out? My daughter went through a period where she was repeatedly chasing after girls that were not interested in being friends, and not making an effort with girls that would more likely be interested (probably because she wanted to be "cooler"). Once she targeted her efforts better (with some prodding from me), she made a few friends.

Again, I am not blaming your son, and none of these things may apply, but just offering them as possibilities/things that helped with my kids.

School sports and activities are the obvious solution. Plays, music, clubs and teams. Every season has at least one no cut sport.

This doesn't necessarily form friendships, though I agree it can help make acquaintances. My son joined his schools intra-mural soccer club and chess club. he is pretty good at both, and yet he has only met acquaintances through them. Kids he can sit with at lunch, but nothing seemed to ever transfer to outside of school. He is in 8th now, so I don't think this will change. He is a little socially immature (very uninterested in girls, professional spots, and some other things boys his age seem to like), but overall friendly and appropriate, so I'm not sure why things didn't work out.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.

OP, I'm so sorry. When you see him interact with peers at sports practices, what do you observe? I have similar worries about my kid, but when I watch him at school events/sports activities, he's clearly at ease and smiling with friends so I'm putting him into your category 1 for now, but I'm keeping an eye on it. Sounds like you are doing a great job supporting your kid. I have an observation and two suggestions.

First, the teen years before they are driving are a weird no-mans land. They can't really make their own plans that require transportation entirely independently (if you live in the burbs) but they are too old for parents to make plans for them. Once he drives, he can get a job, go to the gym, go get coffee etc., which will give him more interaction in the world than he has now even if it's not with "friends." As for suggestions, I would consider therapy just to get him another source of support/input. You might sell it as "I know you want to forge closer relationships with your peers. I'm no expert on this, but there are experts, so lets go talk to one. Finally, during virtual school, I had my teen working out with a personal trainer. That 1-to-1 interaction with a sort of cool adult who is not your parent provided another source of interaction that was helpful my kid's confidence. Building muscles/fitness helps too!

This is great advice! I experienced this too with my (now 18 year old) son when he was this age. Once they have more autonomy (e.g., driving, the ability to have a part-time job, etc.) things can really change. My son had a tough time when we didn't live in a "neighborhood" (we're on the more rural outskirts of our school district) and in middle school, the kids seemed to run in packs based on where they lived. Because they didn't have to have mom drive them to someone else's house, arrange pick-up times, etc. They just ran from house to house. My DS couldn't really be a part of that.

Working out at the gym with a trainer is an idea. That has been a great thing for several of the men in my family when they were younger. Helps build self-esteem, focus their energy, get out of the house away from Mom and Dad. Good luck, OP. Middle school honestly earns it's reputation of being the worst.

Anonymous wrote:13 is not the time to be concerned about this OP. My gut says in a year or two, your son will be more social and seeking more peers in his off time. Unless he’s complaining, enjoy your time with him and do things as a family. Let him chill out and hang at home. Don’t project your own insecurities.

What if he is as upset as the OP but keeps those feelings hidden? Then what?

Go.....

My 14 yo DD struggles with friendships. she is socially immature and I cringe sometimes when I observe her interactions with peers.
what I did: had her find a job over the summer that allowed her to work weekends now that she is in school. she didn't make friends because it was an older crowd, but it kept her busy and she enjoys it. ( restaurant)
Had her join a church youth group. She isn't entirely clicking with the girls, but they aren't mean and I am noticing some very subtle changes in her which makes me think she is picking up some of the other girls more age appropriate mannerisms. She is also on the church volleyball team so she has things to do many weekends. It isn't a very competitive league and most of the kids aren't that good but they have fun.
Had her join an activity at school. She is not athletic, but is doing a sport and a lunch extracurricular. She is friendly with the kids, but still no closer friendships. I am ok with that. I think the more she is exposed to a variety a kids, she will start mimicking some of their behaviors and learn what others are interested in. she seems so much happier being busy and having kids to spend time with, even though it hasn't yet produced a close friendship.

Anonymous wrote:OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.

OP, I'm so sorry. When you see him interact with peers at sports practices, what do you observe? I have similar worries about my kid, but when I watch him at school events/sports activities, he's clearly at ease and smiling with friends so I'm putting him into your category 1 for now, but I'm keeping an eye on it. Sounds like you are doing a great job supporting your kid. I have an observation and two suggestions.

First, the teen years before they are driving are a weird no-mans land. They can't really make their own plans that require transportation entirely independently (if you live in the burbs) but they are too old for parents to make plans for them. Once he drives, he can get a job, go to the gym, go get coffee etc., which will give him more interaction in the world than he has now even if it's not with "friends." As for suggestions, I would consider therapy just to get him another source of support/input. You might sell it as "I know you want to forge closer relationships with your peers. I'm no expert on this, but there are experts, so lets go talk to one. Finally, during virtual school, I had my teen working out with a personal trainer. That 1-to-1 interaction with a sort of cool adult who is not your parent provided another source of interaction that was helpful my kid's confidence. Building muscles/fitness helps too!

OP here again: My son does not share that he is actively upset, but I know it hurts that he has asked plenty of kids to get together, play video games online, etc. and no one says yes, or they say yes the first time and it never goes anywhere. A lot of posters in this thread have noted that their kids socialize "only" by playing games online or texting or going to the basketball courts, etc. I know you mean well, but I am saying my son does not have anyone to do these things with and is rejected by other kids when he tries to initiate/join those activities.

I think this thread separated into two categories of feedback: (1) those saying that their kids socialize through a lot of online gaming and sports activities but do not do much other than that and (2) those saying their kids have tried everything in (1) and have not been able to find their group so do none of those things in (1). My son falls in category (2). Those whose kids are in category (1) probably have not had to deal with what it is like to have your kids try to so hard but not find their group.

I do hope it will help to just naturally give it time for him to mature socially and participate in sports in HS next year.

The good thing is that my DS is a great kid and we do many fun family activities. But I know from his actions that he wants friends to do things with.