Anonymous wrote:On a family vacation when I was 8, my parents were fighting and I sat with my dad. My mom looked me dead in the eye and called me a traitor. They fought a lot but this particularly affected my life. My dad was unhappy with my grades and told me to kill myself when I was in college. I was so used to hearing this kind of stuff but now I am beyond sad that my life was like that. I would never talk to my kids this way.

This kind of thing was one reason I never wanted children. (My ex agreed to no kids and kind of forced it to happen [at least with the first] anyway and there was a second accident].). I relive the trauma I had every year with every year my kids are the same age. It makes me very sad and unhappy. They don't know this, of course, but it really is very difficult and makes being a parent very emotionally difficult for me. I did not want to relive childhood and think of things that happened to me at particular ages.

I am so sorry you feel this, too. Just knowing you would never do this to your kids means you have not let what happened to you rule your life. Take comfort in the fact that you are a better parent. I know it is hard. I feel more anger toward my parents as years go by because I just can't believe they did what they did now that I am a parent...not only am I reliving it through raising kids, I am now angered by it because I am redminded of it and horrified at the same age I am when they treated me terribly, I would never do such a thing. It is like a double whammy.

Are the memories flooding back because your children are now the same age as you were during the abuse?

What triggered this? I find there is usually a trigger.

You say the memories are flooding you; how do you react to them?

While it's true you can't change the terrible things that happened to you, if they are intruding on your life with overwhelming or intrusive recollections that you can't stop, they may need attention (and a therapist can help with sorting them out). If they are passing thoughts that sadden you but you can move on with your day, then I would take some time to acknowledge your grief.

You can't change the past nor things your parents may have done.

Instead of spending money on therapy try giving back instead.

Volunteer with an organization that helps children of abuse. I guarantee you will feel much better about using your bad memories in a way which is positive towards someone else.

If it helps, repeat to yourself, your parent's behavior had nothing to do with you. You are not responsible for them. It is out of your control. What you are responsible for is your own behavior. Be the best parent and person that you can. You are already on this path. Stay focused on it.
Like PP said, give yourself the gift of therapy so you can work through your past. But know that you have your whole life ahead of you. Keep your chin up an move forward. Life is a gift, there is so much left to accomplish.

Please give yourself the gift of therapy to work through that. I’m sorry. You did not deserve ill treatment.

On a family vacation when I was 8, my parents were fighting and I sat with my dad. My mom looked me dead in the eye and called me a traitor. They fought a lot but this particularly affected my life. My dad was unhappy with my grades and told me to kill myself when I was in college. I was so used to hearing this kind of stuff but now I am beyond sad that my life was like that. I would never talk to my kids this way.