Anonymous wrote:Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk

OP here: YEP!!!! The PP above you is ridiculous. I am doing more than my fair share of things and that is not the issue. I am not ungrateful. Unfortunately the reality is I'm probably dealing with verbal abuse. I am hesitant to write the actual words he uses on me. But this is anonymous so here goes. And usually I'm able to just let it go and not be a sobbing mess begging him to stop but again... Postpartum.

These are words he used to describe me today after the blue marker incident, and after he brought up the pill thing (which again, no one got the pills. They were never where the children should be. And since he pointed out I shouldn't leave them by the bed where kids could get them they've been out of reach). So here goes and now you all can try victim blaming me again...

His words to me while I sob, begging him to stop and instead please just show me some love:
Evil. Evil animal. Animal. Vindictive. Sadistic. Regretting marrying me. When I say I love him, he says, "No, you don't love me." He gets increasingly incensed the more I beg him to stop. I beg him to stop and please just hug me or show me some love, he gives me a forceful hug while saying "evil wife." Okay. So yes he's amazing and taking care of the older kids and cooking! Yay!!!! Well guess what I need love and support not this harshness and anger toward me on any little thing.

I’ll be harsh here because I’m probably right now in a mood like your DH after putting up with work childcare and cooking fifteen hundred different snacks and lunches. Suck it up he’s helping a ton, that should be enough, he doesn’t have the brain cells for gentle encouragement, he’s at the end of his rope.

Oh and I’m pregnant and dealing with issues so just be grateful for the third healthy baby and your health. Get perspective.

Let me guess OP. He's always been like this and yet you're so super shocked that he's acting like this after baby 3. Because if my DH suddenly started acting like this I would be worried something was wrong because it's so out of the norm. I don't know why you expected him to suddenly change. This is why people say "so why did you have kids with him?". It's hard to feel sympathy for someone who continues to have kids with a jerk and then cry that he's *gasp* still a jerk

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It kind of sounds like DH is reminding you that you still need to keep an eye on the other kids. Leaving easily accessible medication around a toddler is unsafe. You know that OP. He's tired and irritable. I get you're fragile but good Lord

+1. I would probably react the same way that DH did to the markers. Also, it sounds like your 2 year old doesn't use markers at all... since I my 27 month old has never tried to eat markers. You may just need to provide more supervision when introducing new things (I know you know this, you are just exhausted). And the pills, yeah, that's a hard no. Especially because they are in a case and not even in a childproof container (which you obviously still shouldn't leave within reach). That's actually a nightmare. You're lucky DH is clear headed enough to be able to see and handle these things right now, since it sounds like you're both in postpartum fog. Your other two kids still need you to care about their safety and well-being. You don't get a free pass because you have a newborn. You knew that when you were going from 2 to 3.

Oh my goodness I hate to have to go into details but no children have been endangered. Yes my son (he's actually not quite 2 years old yet) sucked on a blue marker. I agree that's terrible and I'm sorry. So let's put them away and do them another time when I'm not focusing on BFing or older kid can do it by herself. Just him going on and on about it like I've endangered his life, and then bringing up the pill case thing from 3 days ago - the kids aren't even supposed to be in my room and anyway since then I do keep them out of reach once I wake up in AM. So no need to bring that up today again as if it's just another mark of how terrible/irresponsible mother I am.

Another example: 4 days ago I'm happily holding baby for a couple minutes after BFing before putting her down. I have my computer on the side table and am watching a movie trailer to try to find something to watch at one of my next marathon BFing sessions. DH opens the door and says, "Are you watching a show?!" I cheerfully reply yes and he leaves abruptly. I try to make no big deal out of it and so when I leave the room I talk to him normally and nicely. Then he brings up how terrible it is for me to be watching a show while holding the baby. He states I whine about not getting sleep and here I am watching a show. He calls me untrustworthy. He says I'm endangering the baby. "If the screen isn't good for our eyes, it's not good for the Baby." He accuses me of treating the baby like a burden, that I can't just hold/BF her without watching a show. I shouldn't have to explain myself here but: I am alone in the room all night with Baby, DH sleeps in living room, that way he can sleep & manage kids and I can do what I need to do with our BFing and pooping baby all night. I actually appreciate it because there's no need for DH to br woken up by baby all night and I can do what I need to do without worrying about waking him.

Surely you can see how over reactive these situations are. All I want is for DH to be more gentle and patient with me. There are better ways to express not liking something.

Anonymous wrote:It kind of sounds like DH is reminding you that you still need to keep an eye on the other kids. Leaving easily accessible medication around a toddler is unsafe. You know that OP. He's tired and irritable. I get you're fragile but good Lord

+1. I would probably react the same way that DH did to the markers. Also, it sounds like your 2 year old doesn't use markers at all... since I my 27 month old has never tried to eat markers. You may just need to provide more supervision when introducing new things (I know you know this, you are just exhausted). And the pills, yeah, that's a hard no. Especially because they are in a case and not even in a childproof container (which you obviously still shouldn't leave within reach). That's actually a nightmare. You're lucky DH is clear headed enough to be able to see and handle these things right now, since it sounds like you're both in postpartum fog. Your other two kids still need you to care about their safety and well-being. You don't get a free pass because you have a newborn. You knew that when you were going from 2 to 3.

Don’t trust your judgment about your DH right now. Postpartum rage is real and so is sleep deprivation. He’s not going to be able to give you all of the support you need. You have to reach out elsewhere.

You're heartbroken because your DH told you a couple times not to leave pills where a 2 and 4 year old could get to them?

It kind of sounds like DH is reminding you that you still need to keep an eye on the other kids. Leaving easily accessible medication around a toddler is unsafe. You know that OP. He's tired and irritable. I get you're fragile but good Lord

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your baby! And good work, momma! You know it's hormones', so let yourself cry. Your husband, who is carrying a lot of the work right now, is probably also a bit of a mess and you expecting him to be 100% supportive of YOU without showing any of the cracks he's feeling himself is unrealistic and I think you probably know this. But remind yourself that he's a man not a superhero so expect "complete support and encouragement" is an awful lot to ask. Be kind and forgiving and if you feel like crying do it. Ask your OB what you can do to help even out the hormonal waves.

This is great advice. I'd also recommend that whenever you start to get mad that DH isn't giving you 100% have a list in your prepared of all he's doing. No one is 100%. It sounds like you've got a great DH. Remind yourself of the 95% instead of concentrating on the 5.

Thank you but that's actually the advice DH needs to hear. I am thanking him with gratitude nonstop, never criticizing him - I am so appreciative that he's taking 3 weeks off work to help manage the family so I can can heal and care for Baby. Things I might usually be critical of, like letting the kids watch a show for 2 hours in the morning - not sweating that an ounce. DH is doing such a stellar job ensuring everyone is taken care of I'm not going to criticize anything they do. Just enjoy themselves and help everyone feel loved and healthy now.

DH on the other hand has been a bit harsh with me on things that I don't even think are my fault or a big deal. I'm trying to tell him to please be more gentle in how he's talking to me and try to be patient and gentle. Examples:
Gave kids markers and coloring books while I BF baby and DH is in shower. DH comes back and 2 year old's mouth is blue from (nontoxic) marker. He gets so upset at me and says he's going to throw all the markers away. Like I've endangered our children and not supervising him. I'm sorry but please let's just put them away and our 4 year old can play with them another time without 2 year old since apparently he's still struggling with not chewing on them. He gets so gruff and goes on about it. Then he brings up a totally unrelated incident apparently trying to prove the point of how terrible a mother I am because I had my nighttime medications by the bed 3 days ago and he told me not to leave them there, so since then once I'm up in AM I put them out of reach. But this was 3 days ago and no need to bring it up. And he's going on about how I leave my "drugs everywhere" (it's just a pill case with my Tylenol, vitamins and antibiotics which I need by my bed at night to take something every 4 hours). Anyway to me it's just ridiculous to be trying to bring up things over and over in an apparent desire to criticize me. When I too am trying my best, alone with the Baby all night breastfeeding.... Agh he needs to hear it from someone other than me to give me a break, be gentle, please.

Whenever these things happen I just get heartbroken. I'm fragile now.

Identical situation. I’m two weeks postpartum. Tons of crying here. It’s just a hard time in life as it’s so transitory and will be over way too soon. My oldest is 5 too. Where did the time go? Are their childhoods as magical as I thought?

I’ve been trying to focus on nice things. Like eating good food, drinking good wine, new tv shows, buying outfits for newborn pictures, marching pjs for the kids for fall, whatever that feels nice.

My Dh was grumpy last week too so I’ve been trying to let him sleep in every 3rd day. He’s not up with the baby but it still wakes him up and he gets up at 7am to take the older kids to school.

So DH is taking care of cooking and taking care of two kids and yet you expect him not to also be exhausted and not 100% and give you more support. Ease up on him and yourself. Neither of you are going to be in perfect moods and states of mind right now. Let the tears come but also ease up a little

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your baby! And good work, momma! You know it's hormones', so let yourself cry. Your husband, who is carrying a lot of the work right now, is probably also a bit of a mess and you expecting him to be 100% supportive of YOU without showing any of the cracks he's feeling himself is unrealistic and I think you probably know this. But remind yourself that he's a man not a superhero so expect "complete support and encouragement" is an awful lot to ask. Be kind and forgiving and if you feel like crying do it. Ask your OB what you can do to help even out the hormonal waves.

This is great advice. I'd also recommend that whenever you start to get mad that DH isn't giving you 100% have a list in your prepared of all he's doing. No one is 100%. It sounds like you've got a great DH. Remind yourself of the 95% instead of concentrating on the 5.

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations on your baby! And good work, momma! You know it's hormones', so let yourself cry. Your husband, who is carrying a lot of the work right now, is probably also a bit of a mess and you expecting him to be 100% supportive of YOU without showing any of the cracks he's feeling himself is unrealistic and I think you probably know this. But remind yourself that he's a man not a superhero so expect "complete support and encouragement" is an awful lot to ask. Be kind and forgiving and if you feel like crying do it. Ask your OB what you can do to help even out the hormonal waves.

Thank you <3

I may sound so needy but this is exactly what I need to hear. I know all of this and yet the tears just flow. Time to eat a snack and shower while the baby's finally sleeping swaddled

Congratulations on your baby! And good work, momma! You know it's hormones', so let yourself cry. Your husband, who is carrying a lot of the work right now, is probably also a bit of a mess and you expecting him to be 100% supportive of YOU without showing any of the cracks he's feeling himself is unrealistic and I think you probably know this. But remind yourself that he's a man not a superhero so expect "complete support and encouragement" is an awful lot to ask. Be kind and forgiving and if you feel like crying do it. Ask your OB what you can do to help even out the hormonal waves.

Everything is wonderful. 3rd healthy baby, fast almost painless delivery, really great breastfeeding...
And I am a hormonal mess. My husband has been a little (or very) critical of me about a couple things and I get so crazy sad and hurt and he doesn't let up.

I am trying to be extra gentle and patient with everything as we're now managing 3 kids under 5 and the older ones start school in the coming week.

DH doesn't seem to get it I need EXTRA care and gentleness now. The postpartum period is tough for any woman now matter what is going great.

DH is loving and supportive (for example he's the one doing all the cooking, taking care of older kids so I can just take care of myself and baby.

I just need to cry 😢

Remind me that things (hormonally) even out soon and to just be gentle and patient with myself 😥

P.S. we have no other help, no family nearby, not complaining, just that I depend a lot on my DH so when I don't have his complete support and encouragement right now I a just a wreck