Anonymous wrote:I knew a woman who made it to 28 years old without any adverse life events occurring. That year sh1t hit the fan, so to speak, and she had 3 serious things happen to her and within her family. She was thrown for a loop and had no frame of reference for coping. She felt traumatized and became depressed. To her credit, she sought the help of a therapist and she made it through. The things she was dealing with wouldn't have phased me, because I had suffered so much as a child and teenager it sets the trauma bar high. Just some thoughts.

This was me, except I was 24. It took years to get back to "normal". Even now, similar issues that pop up can cripple me.

Anonymous wrote:I'm not sure where the line is, OP. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school. No socializing with family. No TV, no video games, no exposure to popular culture. No revealing clothes. A very limited amount of just the right foods. This was not a religious thing. My mother suffered from mental illness, controlled my life to an unhealthy degree and did not allow me to develop any kind of independence, which affected my college and career choices and ability to function in both, as well as in my private life. As a result of both nature and nurture, I too have major anxiety.

I was a compliant child and read books. My mother was very loving. I didn't realize how others really lived until I left home.

So... the trauma, if if can be called that, is the sort of brain-washing that a cult-member lives through. There's no pain in the moment, but there is pain afterward when you realize how stunted you are.

Can you pls comment on what the mental disorders were?

I married someone with a similar parent group and they all have aspergers. He does too. He has terrible anxiety and freezes in new situations, or when asked things VC he doesn’t know what to say. But new things are always coming because we have kids and are doing new things all the time.

My sister never got broken up with until she was 25. Always the dumper, never the dump-ee. When it finally happened, it really threw her.

I'm not sure where the line is, OP. I wasn't allowed to see friends outside of school. No socializing with family. No TV, no video games, no exposure to popular culture. No revealing clothes. A very limited amount of just the right foods. This was not a religious thing. My mother suffered from mental illness, controlled my life to an unhealthy degree and did not allow me to develop any kind of independence, which affected my college and career choices and ability to function in both, as well as in my private life. As a result of both nature and nurture, I too have major anxiety.

I was a compliant child and read books. My mother was very loving. I didn't realize how others really lived until I left home.

So... the trauma, if if can be called that, is the sort of brain-washing that a cult-member lives through. There's no pain in the moment, but there is pain afterward when you realize how stunted you are.

Anonymous wrote:I think the word "trauma" is over-used. When I think of childhood "trauma" I think of severe instances---like being in a terrible accident, or being beaten/abused regularly, or seeing a family member killed in front of you, or being abandoned by your parents. Then there are the "adverse environmental factors"---like having parents divorce, or living in poverty, or with a family member who is an alcoholic (though not abusive). But today "trauma" is used for everything.

You can try to quantify it by taking the Adverse Childhood Experience (ACE) quiz.

https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/aces-and-toxic-stress-frequently-asked-questions/

What is trauma, and how does it connect to ACEs and toxic stress?
While trauma has many definitions, typically in psychology it refers to an experience of serious adversity or terror—or the emotional or psychological response to that experience. Trauma-informed care or services are characterized by an understanding that problematic behaviors may need to be treated as a result of the ACEs or other traumatic experiences someone has had, as opposed to addressing them as simply willful and/or punishable actions.

Anonymous wrote:I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.

Same. My parents never fought and barely ever disagreed. They had a very happy marriage until Dad died shortly before their 54th anniversary. My sister is my best friend and we never fought that I recalled and my younger brother got bossed around a lot by both of us but was generally a roll-with-it kind of kid. My biggest challenge as a kid was being painfully shy.

Idyllic childhood. Can’t imagine a better one. I’ve had a good adulthood too. I’m well adjusted, know how to argue. Stressful events are nbd to me. College was easy, getting jobs was easy, married an awesome guy, wonderful kids and great friends. I’m a hard worker and studied hard, so everything wasn’t just handed to me. I’m 35 and can’t think of one bad thing that’s ever happened to me. Dh also had the same idyllic childhood. My best friends are the same.

I will say that I have trouble understanding other’s trauma because I experienced none. I didn’t even know about how common pedophiles and rapists were until I had kids. No one in our families or extended families are divorced.

I want my kids to have the same childhood I had.

I had a great childhood, Sahm, involved dad and mom whom I can talk to about anything and they always listen.

They live 1000 miles away but we all get together here or there 2-3x a year, often with my siblings family.

Then I had kids. And I realized what I used to call my mom’s occasional “shock and awe” speaking style when she wants you or her grandkids to do something was actually totally blame and shame. I cringe when she does it. Then I realized I do it to my kids when I’m exhausted or beaten down from my emotionally unavailable spouse.

So I tell her not to speak that way. And I am working on not getting to points where I speak that way with the kids.

Just a thought. Nothing major. Just want to break the cycle.

I feel very fortunate that I haven’t faced any. But I also feel weak, as if I will fold when/if misfortune comes my way.

I think the word "trauma" is over-used. When I think of childhood "trauma" I think of severe instances---like being in a terrible accident, or being beaten/abused regularly, or seeing a family member killed in front of you, or being abandoned by your parents. Then there are the "adverse environmental factors"---like having parents divorce, or living in poverty, or with a family member who is an alcoholic (though not abusive). But today "trauma" is used for everything.

Well, I was sexually molested by a neighbor kid when I was 5 or 6 and watched a sibling go through cancer twice in a 5 year period. My parents made lots of mistakes but I realized later that they did the best they could with what they knew and what they had. They raised kids in a very different generation and the parent-child norms that exist today did not exist then.

I am now in my mid-40s. I am very happily married to someone I have been with for over 20 years, 2 kids, lots of friends, and a great career. I didn't let my childhood define me and I made every effort to cultivate the life that I wanted for myself and for my kids. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

For context, the rest of my siblings are dysfunctional, play the victim card, and blame my parents for everything in their life. My sister thinks our mom is a narcissist and all of her life issues are the result of our mom. From an outside perspective, a lot of the friction between my mom and sister is driven by the way my sister talks and treats my mom. Both of them are highly sensitive due to low self esteem, stubborn, and cannot see the world from anyone's perspective other than their own.

I can look at all the problems in my sister's life and attribute them to poor decision-making and how she responded to every adverse event in her life.

Anonymous wrote:I knew a woman who made it to 28 years old without any adverse life events occurring. That year sh1t hit the fan, so to speak, and she had 3 serious things happen to her and within her family. She was thrown for a loop and had no frame of reference for coping. She felt traumatized and became depressed. To her credit, she sought the help of a therapist and she made it through. The things she was dealing with wouldn't have phased me, because I had suffered so much as a child and teenager it sets the trauma bar high. Just some thoughts.

Yes, that's interesting !

I had a really idyllic childhood with wonderful parents and siblings. I grew up in a household without fighting between the adults. As kids we bickered like all normal kids do.

As an adult I discovered I didn’t know how to fight. Every argument with a significant other caused me so much stress and angst because I didn’t grow up in a household where those exchanges occurred and to me they were monumentally huge/negative events. I think this was exacerbated because my partners did grow up in traumatic dysfunctional homes so they didn’t have the healthiest habits for disagreements and I had no significant experience with disagreements.

I knew a woman who made it to 28 years old without any adverse life events occurring. That year sh1t hit the fan, so to speak, and she had 3 serious things happen to her and within her family. She was thrown for a loop and had no frame of reference for coping. She felt traumatized and became depressed. To her credit, she sought the help of a therapist and she made it through. The things she was dealing with wouldn't have phased me, because I had suffered so much as a child and teenager it sets the trauma bar high. Just some thoughts.

Thinking about the thread about recovering from childhood trauma. I'm wondering about people who had none, and had really healthy supportive parents and no adverse events happening? What's that like? How common do you think it is to luck out like that? If you ended up with life challenges anyway, what are they and what do you attribute that to?