Has your mother had issues with other significant people in her life? Or people in your life?

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

1. Not a race/class issue. Fiancée is white with MC background.

2. About the long engagement. We were engaged when I was finishing my time in the navy and waited until we could afford a house and wedding without taking on debt. Covid added a year to our engagement time.

I appreciate the helpful responses. This is agonizing on many levels for both of us. I don’t know how my mom will be long term.

Why does she think your fiancée is a “thug”?

OP here.

1. Not a race/class issue. Fiancée is white with MC background.

2. About the long engagement. We were engaged when I was finishing my time in the navy and waited until we could afford a house and wedding without taking on debt. Covid added a year to our engagement time.

I appreciate the helpful responses. This is agonizing on many levels for both of us. I don’t know how my mom will be long term.

The biggest problem here is that you are seriously thinking of cancelling the wedding for your mental disordered mother. I guarantee your mother will bully anyone who is a threat to her surrogate husban--I mean son's attention. Cut your mother off HARD and move back to Houston.

I suspect your fiancee deserves much better than a man who would waste 4 YEARS of her fertile years for the world's stupidest reason. Other people commit time and flights and cancel plans to attend your wedding and you have no problem mistreating them (a trait you got from your mother). I suggest you let your fiancee go completely (not just the wedding, ever seeing her).

Now had you said, I will defend my future wife now and after marriage and if my mother can't let go, she can go to therapy, I would have different advice. If you had any morals and stood up to your mother (thus HELPING vs enabling her disfunction), your wedding priest/pastor/officiant is immensely useful in this. He or she could call your mother and let her vent and get support. Then the officiant would convince her to attend and how SHE is the one who would have the most regret for missing the wedding. Officiants have seen this before and are experts at calming wedding stress and have hard data of regret and parents showing up last second and missing things. Ask yourself why your mother has such a brainwashed stronghold on you that you can't stand up to her? Ask yourself when she goes senile, and abuses your wife going through postpartem and all the other mils are offering babysitting and teaching DILs family recipes, what is she going to do?

I’m half Jewish and half WASP. My Scottish Presbyterian grandfather didn’t attend my parent’s wedding which angered my Jewish grandfather. My Jewish father told me that my Korean girlfriend and I should never have kids because interracial kids have a lot of problems and he didn’t attend our wedding. SO WHAT!? You don’t cancel the marriage because of parental stupidity. If parental stupidity were a reason to cancel marriages the human species would have died out millennia ago.

Could this be a race/class issue?

Why does your mom call your fiancée a thug? Why do you call her a girl? Did your fiancée act like a monster or is that your mom's impression? How did covid affect your mom's opinion?

While your Mom’s opinion MIGHT be a reason for you to take another look at your fiancée IF you greatly respect her opinion, YOU DON’T CANCEL THE WEDDING if you disagree with your mom. GEEZ!

This is difficult. I have to ask why your fiancé was willing to make a major life decision without being married to you? Part of the problem is that your long engagement gave your mother time to convince herself that this lady would not actually become your wife. You should never allow your mother to refer to your intended disrespectfully. The tone for interactions with future children is now being set. You owe it to yourself to try to figure out whether Mom's objections are based on past actions or other elements out of your fiancé's control (being born to someone who suffered from substance addiction, for example) or other factors. I dated plenty of non-black men but ruled out anyone, regardless of race, whose parents were less than thrilled with me for any reason.

OP, your mother is forcing you to choose between her and your fiancé. Time to cut the cord.

Why have you been engaged for 4 years?

Does your mother generally have good advice? Does she get along with people close to her ex: her siblings or close family members/friends?

My MIL has cut off both her siblings, nieces, her husband's brother, etc over the years. It doesn't last forever, but she goes through intense periods of hating the very people MOST of us love. So now when she flips her sh*t over how my DH doesn't prioritize her over his own children, I IGNORE HER. She is drama, my DH is cool, she can chill or buzz off.

So if she threw a temper tantrum like this, we'd ignore her and move on with our lives. But I would not stay living close to her.

Sounds like you may be enmeshed with your Mom. Did you lose a parent early and in essence became her ‘husband’? If so she is feeling ‘replaced’. This is common in fractured and dysfunctional families and will need counseling. Your model is the Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps...he has done a masterful job - but learned this (I’m guessing) through his multiple girlfriends and counseling.

What is mom's reasoning for hating your fiancé?

If she’s a woman, she’s a “fiancée.”

Oh my gosh, no, you don’t cancel the wedding. “No problem mom” and hang up the phone. Move back to Houston if you can.

And you need to start siding with your fiancé and stop indulging your mom. Any bad talk about your fiancé *at all*, you immediately hang up or leave.

Is it possible your mom could have developed an illness that caused the sudden change?

My mom hates my fiancé of 4 years. Wedding in 2 weeks and mom goes nuclear and tells me she won’t come to the wedding now. Refers to fiancé as a “thug”. Fiancé is a good girl, but my mom has turned her into a monster. It wasn’t like this pre-Covid. I talked to my fiancé and she’s sad but supportive for me. I’m not leaving my fiancé over this. But should we just cancel the wedding and move on with our lives? We also just moved from Houston back to DC to be closer to my mom so this new revelation cuts deep. Any advice?