PP here: we also stopped at 1 and although it wasn't our plan, we've been a very happy family of 3.

We didn't (we just were too tired to do anything else at our ages by then) but I do know 2 couples close to me: one used donor egg, one donor embryos. No one knows. And talking to/being around them, their are no feelings of "not quite my child". I hope you can talk to some families to get the sense of peace you need. And the children look so much like both of them! The details they go into to get someone close to the parent(s) physical attitubutes works. Like I said, since I went through IF for many years I've gotten to know them (I'm open with people about my experience and people have come to me) I know, but general public does not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another viewpoint, I did not- could not get my head round it at the time, but years later, wish I had. May joy be your issue, but talk to folks that have done it so you do not feel only one.

And another viewpoint - I pondered it, decided against it, and was just thinking (as I decided to read this thread) that I am quite content/happy that I didn't do it. My one and only 12 year old is perfection! Just to say - you will be happy/fine whichever way you go (if you decide to be/ allow yourself to be)

I agree with this. Stopping treatment without success is HARD, but there are a lot of benefits to being one and done and if you can shift your mindset, you can find a lot of joy in that family structure. DE is an amazing option and choice, but with all decisions to have a child, you should make that choice because you really want that child, not because you feel like you HAVE to have success or because your child NEEDS a sibling.

Anonymous wrote:Another viewpoint, I did not- could not get my head round it at the time, but years later, wish I had. May joy be your issue, but talk to folks that have done it so you do not feel only one.

And another viewpoint - I pondered it, decided against it, and was just thinking (as I decided to read this thread) that I am quite content/happy that I didn't do it. My one and only 12 year old is perfection! Just to say - you will be happy/fine whichever way you go (if you decide to be/ allow yourself to be)

Yes! We were very fortunate to get pregnant with the first when I was older. I really wanted a second child and a sibling for our first kid. After four miscarriages we went the DE route, although we had talked about it for a while. I now have a two month old from DE and I have absolutely no regrets. I feel no different about the second than the first. And, ironically, the second looks more like me than the first (although at only two months that can certainly change). I applaud you for seeking others who have done it and exploring your concerns. I think it's really important to be comfortable with and confident in your decision.

Anonymous wrote:I have 3 kids. the only common factor is the dad.
DC 1 step daughter
DC 2 own egg
DC 3 donor egg

The kids are all aware of their biological origins and it has all worked out great for us!

Wish I had known you when I was going through it all. So happy for your kids and your family.

I have 3 kids. the only common factor is the dad.
DC 1 step daughter
DC 2 own egg
DC 3 donor egg

The kids are all aware of their biological origins and it has all worked out great for us!

OP here, thank you all so much for sharing these experiences. I really appreciate it. Lots to think about....

I couldn't get my head around it. I also was scared that the child would yell at me that I'm not your real child combined with the fact I wasn't sure the egg was the problem.

I had the same doubts and hesitations. I used to get annoyed when people said I would forget all that once the baby was actually there. Cliched as it sounds, it was true in my case. No regrets at all. But I also have a friend who decided to stop with one biological child because they were not comfortable that their kids would not be full siblings.

Another viewpoint, I did not- could not get my head round it at the time, but years later, wish I had. May joy be your issue, but talk to folks that have done it so you do not feel only one.

Anonymous wrote:Yep! I decided to do it after two TFMR and several rounds of IVF with my own eggs. I had the same fears. I rarely feel disconnected from her. It does make me sad she doesn’t have my eyes or whatever, but she is 100% my kid and I am so glad she’s part of our family.

I had been very anti-DE. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

This is me also. No regrets. Frozen is fast and I was glad to be done.

We considered it and decided against it, mostly because of the age gap. I think if we could have gotten our heads around it when it would have been a <5 year gap, we would have gone for it. All of that to say, I researched it a ton and spoke to a ton of DE moms (Facebook groups, Reddit, etc.). I feel confident that once that baby comes, it will be YOUR baby and you'll love it the same as your OE child. If you really want that second child, go for it and don't spend a ton of time debating (and increasing the age gap, like we did).

Yep! I decided to do it after two TFMR and several rounds of IVF with my own eggs. I had the same fears. I rarely feel disconnected from her. It does make me sad she doesn’t have my eyes or whatever, but she is 100% my kid and I am so glad she’s part of our family.

I had been very anti-DE. My only regret is not doing it sooner.

We have two rounds of IVF for secondary infertility under our belts and trying one more time. No luck so far. RE has raised the prospect of donor egg if we want to increase our chances for success. Did anyone use donor egg for secondary infertility and have thoughts? It seems silly, but I am worried that I will feel more connected to my first child, since he will be genetically "mine" and the potential second wouldn't be. Would I feel like this second child was my husband's baby with another woman? I know that seems petty and immature, but it is a concern I have. Anyone been there, done that?