Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My nearly 3 yr old is very defiant. “Please don’t drop that behind the couch” or “do not poke the dog” is ignored while looking right at me no matter how many times I repeat it. I’ve used natural consequences (the toys put in the baby’s diaper genie are thrown out, for example. The toy dropped behind the couch is gone forever. Access to the dog is prohibited for the day.). But it’s fricking exhausting. We praise for every small use of impulse control and reward good listening.

What else can I do?

spanking

np. this is what we did with that three-year-old direct, deliberate defiance. and it corrected it.

You have to learn to not let the attitude impact your parenting. Keep up with the natural consequences. If he stares you down or talks back, ignore it and go on with your day.

Keep in mind kids this age learn behavior over a matter of months and years, not days or even weeks. If you start escalating punishments as some PPs suggest, you will quickly find yourself with nowhere to go.

Model calm, respectful behavior. Be polite to him even when he is rude to you, so that he learns what it means to be polite. Be patient with him when he is impatient, so he sees what patience is. Etc.

You do not want to get into a battle of wills with a 3 yo. You will lose even if you win, and odds are good you won’t win! Ignore the defiant attitude as a quirk if the age and just keep up what you are doing. It will probably get worse before it gets better. But you are the adult. Show him what it is to be reasonable, calm, respectful, etc. And when he really pushes your buttons, say “Ok I’m feeling too upset to talk about this now, I’m going to take a break. And then do.”

Anonymous wrote:My nearly 3 yr old is very defiant. “Please don’t drop that behind the couch” or “do not poke the dog” is ignored while looking right at me no matter how many times I repeat it. I’ve used natural consequences (the toys put in the baby’s diaper genie are thrown out, for example. The toy dropped behind the couch is gone forever. Access to the dog is prohibited for the day.). But it’s fricking exhausting. We praise for every small use of impulse control and reward good listening.

What else can I do?

spanking

My 3 year old is the same he does it for attention because we got frustrated and screamed but we kept cool ignored clearly stated repercussions but don’t let it get a rise out of it. It’s been about a month as he’s 3.5 and ….it’s better now I see him stopping and saying I don’t want to get upset so I’ll stop I’m sorry mom, so maybe time will help with defiance?? Just solidarity and wishing good luck!

Make sure you are teaching him what TO do, rather than just telling him what NOT to do. When you tell them what not to do, that triggers their impulse to do it.

So: If he is about to put something behind the couch "Give that to me please" or "Put that here." If he is poking the dog, either redirect his poking "Poke the ground" or get up, gently take the stick, and show him how to pet the dog nicely.

And then, praise praise praise very very happily when he does it right, in that moment.

If he messes up, ask him right in that moment to "try it again," show him how to do it the right way, and then ask him to do it, and praise praise praise. And then redirect him to something positive like play.

And don't keep asking him to do something over and over again... if he is about to put something by the couch and still seems intent on doing it after you have asked once or twice, you need to get up, gently and calmly block the thing from going behind the couch and then do the "try it again" where he puts it in your hand.

And don't worry- parenting a 3 year old is exhausting- hang in there- stay strong and calm- be a teacher, a re-director, a helper, and his leader and he will get it eventually. You may need to teach him over and over again, but he will mature and his executive function will improve and you will be amazed that things that were challenging a year ago, he is getting down. Good luck Mama!

Sounds like if natural consequences and praise/rewards aren’t enough, then you have to use real consequences. Removal of privileges. “If you poke the dog again, there’s no Paw Patrol until tomorrow.” And please stick to it! Don’t let him “earn” it back until the next day. Then you lavish praise “you didn’t poke the dog! Let’s watch paw patrol!”

My nearly 3 yr old is very defiant. “Please don’t drop that behind the couch” or “do not poke the dog” is ignored while looking right at me no matter how many times I repeat it. I’ve used natural consequences (the toys put in the baby’s diaper genie are thrown out, for example. The toy dropped behind the couch is gone forever. Access to the dog is prohibited for the day.). But it’s fricking exhausting. We praise for every small use of impulse control and reward good listening.

What else can I do?