Anonymous wrote:It sounds like, to Ruth, Pam was more than a friend. That would explain a lot this reaction to me.

That was my thought too. That she got cut out of saying. Goodbye to her significant other.

Anonymous wrote:Ruth sounds normal in this situation

Agreed. OP sound like someone with low EQ

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was pretty awful of the kids to not allow Ruth to be there.

Agreed. She was an active caretaker in this situation, she earned her time to say good-bye.

+1.

Ruth sounds normal in this situation

It sounds like, to Ruth, Pam was more than a friend. That would explain a lot this reaction to me.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it was pretty awful of the kids to not allow Ruth to be there.

When my grandfather passed we didn’t want other people there. No offense against them, but it was about family. Friends said their goodbyes, then family did.

Except it seems like they were family. She took care of her just as much or more than her children. She loved her like family. It wasn't her friend Jenny from her weekly Bridge game.

Anonymous wrote:I think it was pretty awful of the kids to not allow Ruth to be there.

When my grandfather passed we didn’t want other people there. No offense against them, but it was about family. Friends said their goodbyes, then family did.

Anonymous wrote:I think it was pretty awful of the kids to not allow Ruth to be there.

Agreed. She was an active caretaker in this situation, she earned her time to say good-bye.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it just sounds like she was really really hurt. Her kids took the easy way out and hired people until their mom was imminently dying and then came in to play the grieving children as she passed. As someone who has had many experiences with hospice, there is a lot that does lack. Ruth did more for Pam than her kids did and obviously loved her. The kids were pretty heartless to say "sorry family only" when it seems Pam and Ruth considered each other family.

So yeah, sounds like a bad response to grief. It happens. I feel horrible for Ruth.

The children were extremely involved, alternating and being there every week, to some degree. But they have children and jobs in other cities. Honestly, they did much more than I believe I would have had energy to do. But daily caretaking was needed and she didn’t want to be in a home.

OK so the kids aren't AS bad as they seemed in the original post. Doesn't change the fact that Ruth did a ton for Pam and obviously loved her and felt she was family. I still think the children were in the wrong for not letting Ruth be there and I get why Ruth is hurt (and going through grief overreacted)
. It seems obvious you don't like Ruth and have issues with her. But unless you have more to add, you seem to be reaching and those kids are jerks.

Anonymous wrote:Honestly it just sounds like she was really really hurt. Her kids took the easy way out and hired people until their mom was imminently dying and then came in to play the grieving children as she passed. As someone who has had many experiences with hospice, there is a lot that does lack. Ruth did more for Pam than her kids did and obviously loved her. The kids were pretty heartless to say "sorry family only" when it seems Pam and Ruth considered each other family.

So yeah, sounds like a bad response to grief. It happens. I feel horrible for Ruth.

The children were extremely involved, alternating and being there every week, to some degree. But they have children and jobs in other cities. Honestly, they did much more than I believe I would have had energy to do. But daily caretaking was needed and she didn’t want to be in a home.

I think it was pretty awful of the kids to not allow Ruth to be there.

Second stage of grief is Anger. This is what Ruth is experiencing. She probably will regret not going to the service.

Obviously you don't like Ruth.

Honestly it just sounds like she was really really hurt. Her kids took the easy way out and hired people until their mom was imminently dying and then came in to play the grieving children as she passed. As someone who has had many experiences with hospice, there is a lot that does lack. Ruth did more for Pam than her kids did and obviously loved her. The kids were pretty heartless to say "sorry family only" when it seems Pam and Ruth considered each other family.

So yeah, sounds like a bad response to grief. It happens. I feel horrible for Ruth.

Is this type of behavior indicative of any one particular personality disorder? I’ve just watched in shock as this whole thing played out and I’m over here wondering what the heck it could be!

A family member, I’ll call her Ruth, had a lifelong friend, Pam. Pam had terminal cancer and caretakers, arranged by her out-of-town children, but Ruth liked to “fill in the gaps” where she thought the caretakers were lacking. Pam eventually took a turn and entered hospice care, and her children came back home to be with her in her final days. The family was openly thankful for Ruth’s love and care, allowed her a lengthy goodbye visit, but then requested it be family only until she passed. Up until Pam passed, Ruth couldn’t stop telling everyone how special Pam was to her and how much she loved her.

After Pam passed Ruth completely flipped out. Criticized Pam’s children, saying vile and awful things about them to anyone who would listen. How the children were terrible to her. After Pam died, Ruth refused to go to the funeral because she couldn’t be around “those ugly people.”

The moment she wasn’t in control, she flipped. Not the behavior of someone who claimed to love her friend so dearly.