Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:“Whether or not it ‘just’ stems from jealousy, her behavior toward me is hurtful. I am also hurt that you never defend me, you simply excuse her. I will not be spending time with her until her behavior toward me significantly improves. That’s my decision and we do not need to discuss it.”

This is putting a burden on them that they may never be able to meet, especially as they grow older. You can't expect them to take responsibility for her behavior. You are punishing the wrong people.

+1

It's not your parents job to take sides between their ADULT children. OP shouldn't need Mommy and Daddy to "defend" her. (1) Don't tell them about her being mean to you; there's nothing they can do. (2) You control how much time you spend with her; don't spend any time outside of real family obligations. (3) If you do decide to spend time with her, perhaps when visiting your parents, and she is mean, it's your job to react: leave the room/walk away. If they try to excuse the sister, just say, "Please don't defend her to me. Her behavior was intentionally hurtful, and there's no excuse for it."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, as ever people are eager here to be mean assholes in the name of tough love, but the emphasis on boundaries and on accepting fully that none of them will change is important. I’ve been dealing with something semi-similar and finally realized that I don’t need quorum, I don’t need other members of my family to agree with me, and that my perceptions and reality have innate value and legitimacy. It’s true for all of us.

+1 When my sister was nasty, I was told by my mother that I was just oversensitive. Guess what as I became an adult, every time a friend or significant other were around both of us, I'd get a comment later such as "boy your sister is mean to you" Even my tweens pick up on it. It sucks that my mother will never stand up for me but I can let it go because finally I know its real and not just me being "too sensitive."

I’m OR from above. I’ve finally really confronted the vicious sarcasm my sibling tosses at me and how my parents have said nothing. I was clear and direct a d the peace I felt in telling them I didn’t care if they agreed or not was really profound and I realized later it was because I was telling the truth, and I knew I was telling the truth. I got to this point because something in me clicked into place about modeling boundaries and self-respect for my young DD. She is very empathic which is great, and how I was. I don’t want her to put herself behind users, sarcastic/depressed people, etc, out of a sense of obligation. I did abs was frequently and explicitly told by my parents to do so, to be tolerant of other people’s problems since I was ok, since I had more materially or better grades. And that is some real bull, and it caused me problems. I’ve decided to end that. Damn the torpedoes.

Good luck, OP.

Anonymous wrote:OP, as ever people are eager here to be mean assholes in the name of tough love, but the emphasis on boundaries and on accepting fully that none of them will change is important. I’ve been dealing with something semi-similar and finally realized that I don’t need quorum, I don’t need other members of my family to agree with me, and that my perceptions and reality have innate value and legitimacy. It’s true for all of us.

+1 When my sister was nasty, I was told by my mother that I was just oversensitive. Guess what as I became an adult, every time a friend or significant other were around both of us, I'd get a comment later such as "boy your sister is mean to you" Even my tweens pick up on it. It sucks that my mother will never stand up for me but I can let it go because finally I know its real and not just me being "too sensitive."

OP, as ever people are eager here to be mean assholes in the name of tough love, but the emphasis on boundaries and on accepting fully that none of them will change is important. I’ve been dealing with something semi-similar and finally realized that I don’t need quorum, I don’t need other members of my family to agree with me, and that my perceptions and reality have innate value and legitimacy. It’s true for all of us.

Why does she have any affect on you? You don't live with her. You don't have to talk to her (much).

I assume 99% of your life would not involve her

If not ~ you need more of a life

Anonymous wrote:“Whether or not it ‘just’ stems from jealousy, her behavior toward me is hurtful. I am also hurt that you never defend me, you simply excuse her. I will not be spending time with her until her behavior toward me significantly improves. That’s my decision and we do not need to discuss it.”

This is putting a burden on them that they may never be able to meet, especially as they grow older. You can't expect them to take responsibility for her behavior. You are punishing the wrong people.

+1 on what do you expect them to do, OP? Why do they need to defend you? Are you unable to speak up, set boundaries and defend yourself?

“Whether or not it ‘just’ stems from jealousy, her behavior toward me is hurtful. I am also hurt that you never defend me, you simply excuse her. I will not be spending time with her until her behavior toward me significantly improves. That’s my decision and we do not need to discuss it.”

I think you need to remove yourself. My parents always excused my sister's bad behavior, really bad behavior as "work stress". Now they are dead I don't speak to her at all because she's a total monster and no one is here to back her up / defend her being so nasty.

I am much happier not dealing with her. It may not be ideal but I've learned there are millions of people who do not get along with their siblings. They either continue to fight with them / get hurt by them or they remove themselves.

What is it you expect them to do? Punish her?

Anonymous wrote:How sad to be permanently stuck in your childhood family dynamics.

+1

How sad to be permanently stuck in your childhood family dynamics.

Why are you expecting your parents to do something about an adult child? It’s up to you to set boundaries when your sister mistreats you. As for disappointment with your parents, take that up in therapy. None of these people are going to change.

Keep your parents out of your relationship with your sister. Deal with her on your own and give them no details. Do not go to your parents to complain about your sister. Give them no details. Talk to her and refuse to inform them of the situation.

Every time my adult sister does something mean, calculating or dismissive to me my parents say she's jealous of me and I just need to move on. That's not a valid reason to treat someone like sh%^