Anonymous wrote:Slow fade with the parents, but in my case I did tell the kids. I explained that grandma is having trouble managing her anger and those tantrums and abusive rants they witnessed are not OK. They can love grandma and enjoy her, but also know it's not OK for grandma to take out all her problems on me. I have shown them how we handle someone mentally ill who refused to get help. They know as soon as she rages, if I cannot distract her and get her to de-escalate, we calmly make an excuse to leave no matter what.

My mother has gotten worse with age and has been evaluated so this isn't caused by dementia...sahe has always had anger management issues, but now she doesn't hide it at well and the kids need to know it's not OK.

this sounds like my Aspie husband, but we can't leave leave....

My sister handles it better than me. She just changes the subject when my mom tries to push her buttons. If she doesn’t stop, she hangs up on her or ignores her texts.

I live out of state, and started by only seeing my mom on 1-2 holidays. If I was in town, I just didn’t tell her. We met at neutral places, and I would just leave if she started acting up. Like, literally get up and walk away. If she started on the phone, I’d hang up on her. I am more stubborn than my sister, so I engage some of the crazy. It never goes well. When she went off the deep end last year, I just blocked her on my phone for a couple of months. Recently, I demanded an apology for her crazy accusations from last fall. She has only texted me twice this whole year. Apparently, the apology is more than she is willing to do to maintain contact. Oh well!

Our brother went no contact a few years ago.

OP here, of course I didn’t announce it. It speaks for itself. Mom called on my birthday and I didn’t answer because simply I don’t want to talk to someone who a few months ago told me what a horrible person I am. We did one visit in a public place and one at their house for dinner which wasn’t too long. I was basically grey rock and went to the kitchen when my my mom started going off on her anti-science rant.

Agree that there shouldn't be an announcement or discussion, just do it.

You may want to google the grey rock method. Basically, you become uninteresting to them because you refuse to allow them to trigger you and don't fill their narcissistic supply.

Only respond to the question asked and not offer any more information. If they ask, "can we get together next weekend?", you reply, "We're not available next weekend." You don't explain why, you don't offer an alternate date, you don't respond to any of their manipulative BS ("But we never see you! The grandkids have probably forgotten us. I guess you're just so busy and important, you don't have time for us. Who do you think you are, etc etc"). You don't try to fill the silence or mollify their anger. Keep all interactions/discussions short and factual. If they press on, it's "asked and answered" and then, "we have discussed this, and the conversation is now over."

If you do choose to spend time with them, I would choose a public place with a finite timeframe. Don't go to their house or invite them to yours.

Similar to a PP above, I just explained to my son that grandpa can't control his anger and treat people respectfully and has been extremely unkind to me and many others for a very long time. My son has witnessed some of his outbursts and unacceptable behavior, so he understood with minimal explanation. We've discussed that while we have compassion for people who have issues like grandpa, it doesn't mean we have to let them hurt us. He doesn't really ask about him anymore.

Just do it without telling them. I’m low contact after my mom had multiple ridiculous tantrums. She will reach out on social media some but I just ignore her. I don’t give her anymore information than I need to. I never call her.

I needed to do this - talk to them less, and also give them a lot less information.

The kids followed our lead and had no questions or concerns. They have a lot of people in their lives who love them who are mentally healthy and appropriate.

There's a lot of discussion about low/no contact on this website: https://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation Check it out, you might find some helpful advice.

It depends on your parents. Some except it...and some don't. IMO low contact just enraged them and made things worse. I felt like I was being constantly stalked and harassed.

Slow fade with the parents, but in my case I did tell the kids. I explained that grandma is having trouble managing her anger and those tantrums and abusive rants they witnessed are not OK. They can love grandma and enjoy her, but also know it's not OK for grandma to take out all her problems on me. I have shown them how we handle someone mentally ill who refused to get help. They know as soon as she rages, if I cannot distract her and get her to de-escalate, we calmly make an excuse to leave no matter what.

My mother has gotten worse with age and has been evaluated so this isn't caused by dementia...sahe has always had anger management issues, but now she doesn't hide it at well and the kids need to know it's not OK.

Anonymous wrote:It really depends on why you are doing this. What boundary are you trying to enforce?

One general piece of advice is not to make a big announcement or anything.

+1 definitely don’t make a declaration about it.

I did a slow fade to go low contact with one part of my family and now see them one holiday a year, no contact otherwise. Knowing that it’s just a few hours makes it easier to get through. But the effect it will have on you (and them) depends on what is going on.

I want to go low contact with my kids!

we live out of state. it started out as low contact but over the years certain things became more and more difficult so i would allow less and less. i haven't spoken to them over a year. honestly, it's the best it has been. they still reach out for birthdays or holidays and i don't respond.
it depends on your circumstances, which can vary wildly from person to person. it was harder in the beginning, probably because i had a lot of hope that things would get better or improve which was never going to happen.
also, i felt like a lot of the reason i was holding on was so my kids could have that relationship but my parents were doing the bare minimum with my kids so why should i put myself through hell to keep a relationship that isn't really there? kids are young and rarely saw them so they don't really even know who they are so they have not been affected.
one of the harder things for me is feeling like every one else gets to have those healthy relationships with family. why can't i? i still struggle with that even though i know it isn't true.
obviously, speaking with a good therapist can really help you navigate this situation.
good luck. stay strong.

It really depends on why you are doing this. What boundary are you trying to enforce?

One general piece of advice is not to make a big announcement or anything.

I’m new to this and could use some support. Anyone else low contact and how did it start? Are you able to have enjoyable moments when you do see your family? Do your kids even care about seeing their grandparents less? I feel guilty a lot but also am trying to hold the boundary. We moved out of state which makes it easier.