Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not really out to advise friend, I'm more interested in how you guys would judge this situation morally and emotionally. This seems like an interesting case where there was no actual cheating, but it seems as just a great betrayal morally.

The wife’s betrayal is on the same order as actually having an affair, because the only reason why there was no affair is because her desired AP rebuffed her.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm not really out to advise friend, I'm more interested in how you guys would judge this situation morally and emotionally. This seems like an interesting case where there was no actual cheating, but it seems as just a great betrayal morally.

I think it is not up to anyone to judge. She must have really liked the ex but somehow got past it. It really does not matter—especially now. If someone blows up their marriage for something like this—-and 10 years ago—that would be really stupid assuming overall it is a good marriage.

It was 10 years ago. I think it is irrelevant. And cheating never happened. I no would say nothing needs to be dealt with.

OP here. He was shocked. He never knew that this kind of deception was in his wife's character.

OP here. I'm not really out to advise friend, I'm more interested in how you guys would judge this situation morally and emotionally. This seems like an interesting case where there was no actual cheating, but it seems as just a great betrayal morally.

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I'm a guy.

I’m the PP who ask if you were a man or woman. I am happy that you are a guy friend.

Anyhoo, what was your friend’s temperament when he was sharing these details with you?

While this doesn't seem to involve actual infidelity, it seems like just as great a betrayal of trust in many ways. Manipulating him to move in part so she could be closer to the ex, talking to the ex about her kids.... disgusting.

Was the wife remorseful when friend found out? Is she agreeing to do whatever it takes to regain friend’s trust? Your friend should work with a therapist to process his feelings and decide how to proceed. His wife can’t go back in time and undo what she did. Friend will need to decide if he can forgive and move forward with his wife. You need to be supportive, but not advise friend.

How did your friend discover this? I'm assuming his wife didn't tell confess?

OP again. I'm a guy.

I'm the OP. According to my friend, it's pretty clear from her communications at the time that she did not hook up with the ex. These attempted communications went on for several years.

It was 10 years ago! How did your friend find out? Is there any evidence of this occurring again?

Are you a man or woman? I’m so against discussing one’s personal life with an opposite sex “friend.” This can lead to a “friend” taking advantage of a crack in a relationship.

Why are you so involved in their relationship? He needs to talk to a professional, not you “his friend.”

Honestly seems like an episode of mania or something. I don't know what I would do if I were in your friend's shoes. Just be supportive of him, and don't trash talk his wife. ALso don't spread this around your friend group.

Assuming she doesn’t have mental issues, it sounds like she got caught up in a fantasy and may or may not have actually hooked up with the ex - has that been confirmed? Either way, hopefully she’s past it.

My friend just told me he recently learned his wife pursued an ex a decade ago for an affair, but the ex wasn't interested. While no affair occurred in the end, the details of her infatuation with this guy are kind of disturbing. They were living in GA at the time, and she begged her husband to apply for jobs in his field of law on the west coast, apparently to be closer to family. After he applied for jobs in one particular city at her behest, she told a friend that she was excited about the possibility of moving there, because her ex lived there at the time. She also tried to pursue the ex at a law school reunion, and sent several flirtatious emails. She also apparently talked about her kids with DH in the emails to her ex, mentioning endearing traits that she thought the ex might like. This seems like the biggest red line she crossed. Ultimately, she gave up on chasing the guy after stopped engaging. My friend doesn't think she's cheating now, she seems happier in the marriage. But how serious do you think this behavior is? How should it be dealt with?