Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 14:17     Subject: your child's pain
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How much should you feel your child's pain? By that I mean, are you emotionally so in tune where every hurt they experience, every tear or whatever you are dying yourself? What is a healthy line? If they get a cavity are you also in tears? I'm trying to get a gauge of what's considered healthy.


One time my DD ran into a busy road and I checked for cars that might hit me before I ran in after her, and I felt guilty about that. Another time, I accidentally pointed to something and accidentally poked DD in the eye, and then as I went to cup her cheek and apologize, poked her in the same eye AGAIN. We were both laughing. When DD was learning to walk, one time she banged her head on the edge of the coffee table. I said, "Bonkers!" and she smiled and kept going. They look to you for how to react to things.

These things are no big deal. I think our kids need us to be strong and confident while empathetic to their various issues/setbacks/illnesses/whatever.


Excellent, helpful post.


+1. Kids absolutely look to their parents for how to respond to almost everything. My one daughter is extremely sensitive. She will literally cry over the tiniest thing. I can’t let myself get upset at all really, because she will take that as permission to wallow in her sadness. I am constantly trying to teach her the difference between important things that are worth getting upset over, and things that she needs to learn to let roll off her back. Resilience is a life skill.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 14:05     Subject: your child's pain
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:How much should you feel your child's pain? By that I mean, are you emotionally so in tune where every hurt they experience, every tear or whatever you are dying yourself? What is a healthy line? If they get a cavity are you also in tears? I'm trying to get a gauge of what's considered healthy.


One time my DD ran into a busy road and I checked for cars that might hit me before I ran in after her, and I felt guilty about that. Another time, I accidentally pointed to something and accidentally poked DD in the eye, and then as I went to cup her cheek and apologize, poked her in the same eye AGAIN. We were both laughing. When DD was learning to walk, one time she banged her head on the edge of the coffee table. I said, "Bonkers!" and she smiled and kept going. They look to you for how to react to things.

These things are no big deal. I think our kids need us to be strong and confident while empathetic to their various issues/setbacks/illnesses/whatever.


Excellent, helpful post.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 13:33     Subject: your child's pain
Anonymous wrote:How much should you feel your child's pain? By that I mean, are you emotionally so in tune where every hurt they experience, every tear or whatever you are dying yourself? What is a healthy line? If they get a cavity are you also in tears? I'm trying to get a gauge of what's considered healthy.


One time my DD ran into a busy road and I checked for cars that might hit me before I ran in after her, and I felt guilty about that. Another time, I accidentally pointed to something and accidentally poked DD in the eye, and then as I went to cup her cheek and apologize, poked her in the same eye AGAIN. We were both laughing. When DD was learning to walk, one time she banged her head on the edge of the coffee table. I said, "Bonkers!" and she smiled and kept going. They look to you for how to react to things.

These things are no big deal. I think our kids need us to be strong and confident while empathetic to their various issues/setbacks/illnesses/whatever.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 13:22     Subject: Re:your child's pain
I never cried over a child’s cavity, but I was very upset and stressed out when my son had to have his tooth pulled after an encounter with a swing. I have never been in tears in front of my child when they were hurt, but I do get this distinct feeling in my stomach when they are in pain.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 13:14     Subject: your child's pain
It should be a goal never to center yourself in the experience of your child’s pain. I think that’s what PP meant by toxic behavior. Empathy, sure. But letting your own level of discomfort or sadness (even if justified) that someone you love is hurting compete or take the floor from their firsthand pain is quite selfish and immature.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 12:17     Subject: your child's pain
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've never cried because my kid was hurt or sick in front of them. Sympathetic and empathetic of course. When DS was going through a serious medical issue I cried when I wasn't around him.

It seems kind of toxic to cry over a cavity.


Agree with the bolded.


I don’t think it’s toxic, if a child is somehow in lots of pain and distraught it could just be empathy. But nobody should *try* to exactly replicate somebody else’s emotions. Not healthy or helpful.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 12:14     Subject: your child's pain
When DS broke a bone and cuts requiring stiches, I was struggling not to cry with him when I drove him to the emergency room. A cavity? Meh.

This past year and a half have been rough and I've been very worried about DS's depression. Lots of tears.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 12:09     Subject: your child's pain
OP, are you trying to somehow frame it as a positive to be that "in tune" with your kids? I think it's actually very unhealthy for you to be that affected by their experiences. I think it would put a lot of pressure on them to stuff down their feelings because they don't want you to get upset. Also, you're supposed to show them that having cavities seems scary but it's really no big deal. What message does that send if you're crying about their cavities? That would make the world seem very scary to a child, I think.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 11:10     Subject: your child's pain
Anonymous wrote:I've never cried because my kid was hurt or sick in front of them. Sympathetic and empathetic of course. When DS was going through a serious medical issue I cried when I wasn't around him.

It seems kind of toxic to cry over a cavity.


Agree with the bolded.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 11:09     Subject: your child's pain
I've never cried because my kid was hurt or sick in front of them. Sympathetic and empathetic of course. When DS was going through a serious medical issue I cried when I wasn't around him.

It seems kind of toxic to cry over a cavity.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 11:03     Subject: your child's pain
I hurt that my child is hurting (first HS breakup for example), but am I in physical pain/tears? No, but I try to be sympathetic and empathetic.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 10:56     Subject: your child's pain
I'm pretty in tune with DS and pretty empathic but I don't think I would be in tears over a cavity unless they're writhing on the floor in pain, then I would be hurting for their hurt. If you're very sensitive to your children's pain, might be worth a conversation with a therapist.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 10:31     Subject: Re:your child's pain
If you're crying and in pain over your child's cavity, you should probably speak with your doctor about your mental health.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 10:30     Subject: your child's pain
Anonymous wrote:How much should you feel your child's pain? By that I mean, are you emotionally so in tune where every hurt they experience, every tear or whatever you are dying yourself? What is a healthy line? If they get a cavity are you also in tears? I'm trying to get a gauge of what's considered healthy.


Being in tears because your child has a cavity is 100% not healthy. It's actually textbook narcissistic behavior.
Anonymous
Post 07/14/2021 10:28     Subject: your child's pain
How much should you feel your child's pain? By that I mean, are you emotionally so in tune where every hurt they experience, every tear or whatever you are dying yourself? What is a healthy line? If they get a cavity are you also in tears? I'm trying to get a gauge of what's considered healthy.