Anonymous wrote:I have a 16-year-old son and nothing has been tough. He is fantastic and independent and makes good decisions. It depends on the kid.

And very much the kid and not the parents. My first child was a breeze through the teen years. We were so freaking smug for having raised a polite, non-moody, self-starter. We had, clearly, nailed this parenting thing.

Then the second child, raised the same way in the exact the same household, turned 14. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. We were blindsided by angst, mercurial attitudes and thinly veiled contempt. FYI, these are both boys. Only 2 years apart. They look so similar people often think they are twins. But they are emotionally hard wired completely differently.

I think if you have three or more kids, you're not getting through the teen years without at least one major issue, which most likely by the time said kid is in his/her 20s, will have worked out without any big lasting issues. And most likely, with two, same. You MIGHT get lucky. If you only have one, it's more of a crap shoot.

Certainly, there are kids that get through the teen years unscathed (I was one of them - worst of the drama was some fights about curfew), but I think that's a pretty small percentage of kids, overall.

I think what would help me as a parent of teens (not there yet), is to talk to all my (self supporting, kind, successful, happy, generally doing well) adult friends and ask about what the worse thing they put their parents through the ringer on in middle/high school. Aaaaaallll kinds of stories would come out - heavy drinking, terrible grades, drug use, being suicidal, sexual assault, legal issues like stealing, promiscuity, etc, etc. And yet - they got through it, and are now upstanding citizens with good relationships with their parents.

Obviously, the stakes are high, and it doesn't always work out - I don't mean to minimize. But often it does. And I at least find that comforting.

I really really like teenagers. I mean I like my own, but I like so many of the other ones I’ve met through them as well. It’s not an easy age to be and it’s not an easy age to parent. Fortunately both my kids have handled the stresses of this age pretty well (of course drive me crazy sometimes, but within reason) but I’m honestly going to miss having teenagers in the house when they have moved on to college and beyond.

Anonymous wrote:

(from drugs, alcohol, addiction, eating disorders, social issues with friendship groups, bullying, sexual harassment and assault, pregnancy, bad grades, defiance, behavior problems at school or home, problems with motivation and executive functioning, etc. Are there problems I'm forgetting? lol)

Yeah, you're forgetting lots of things. Violence. School refusal. Mental health problems. Dropping out of HS. Suicide attempts. Drug overdoses. Criminal behavior. Self harm. Hospitalizations. Residential treatment. There is no LOL about this list. Teenagers can be unbelievably difficult. If you ever thought the infant stage was tough due to sleep deprivation, you may end up thinking it was a walk in the park if you end up with a difficult teenager.

Having visited a niece at a residential facility for mental health issues, +1 to all of this.

My sister other child is pretty much a walk in the park.

I have a 16-year-old son and nothing has been tough. He is fantastic and independent and makes good decisions. It depends on the kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

(from drugs, alcohol, addiction, eating disorders, social issues with friendship groups, bullying, sexual harassment and assault, pregnancy, bad grades, defiance, behavior problems at school or home, problems with motivation and executive functioning, etc. Are there problems I'm forgetting? lol)

Yeah, you're forgetting lots of things. Violence. School refusal. Mental health problems. Dropping out of HS. Suicide attempts. Drug overdoses. Criminal behavior. Self harm. Hospitalizations. Residential treatment. There is no LOL about this list. Teenagers can be unbelievably difficult. If you ever thought the infant stage was tough due to sleep deprivation, you may end up thinking it was a walk in the park if you end up with a difficult teenager.

+ 1

Both of these lists together is why the teen years are MUCH harder than infant/toddler years. You can't actually fix their problems, it's mostly stuff they have to figure out on their own or with trained professionals.

+1 Even those that aren’t dealing with extreme issues still have to separate from the parents to become competent adults. And that process of separation can be really hard—hoping they make good decisions, but being restrained enough to let them trip up and grow as people. When the stake are higher, it’s tough!

Anonymous wrote:

(from drugs, alcohol, addiction, eating disorders, social issues with friendship groups, bullying, sexual harassment and assault, pregnancy, bad grades, defiance, behavior problems at school or home, problems with motivation and executive functioning, etc. Are there problems I'm forgetting? lol)

Yeah, you're forgetting lots of things. Violence. School refusal. Mental health problems. Dropping out of HS. Suicide attempts. Drug overdoses. Criminal behavior. Self harm. Hospitalizations. Residential treatment. There is no LOL about this list. Teenagers can be unbelievably difficult. If you ever thought the infant stage was tough due to sleep deprivation, you may end up thinking it was a walk in the park if you end up with a difficult teenager.

+ 1

Both of these lists together is why the teen years are MUCH harder than infant/toddler years. You can't actually fix their problems, it's mostly stuff they have to figure out on their own or with trained professionals.

I've got one teen with depression and anxiety (caused in large part by having been sexually assaulted by a classmate). The other teen is LGBTQ+, has mild ADHD, and is angry at the world.

Yes, they're difficult. I have days when I'm convinced that I'm a failure as a parent and that I just can't keep up. But I do still wake up every morning and try again, reminding myself that it could be worse - outside of the home they treat people with respect, they aren't drinking/doing drugs/having sex/breaking laws, their grades are good, they participate in activities. If the trade off for all of that is me being the "safe space" where they can let loose, I'll take it (within reason, of course).

(from drugs, alcohol, addiction, eating disorders, social issues with friendship groups, bullying, sexual harassment and assault, pregnancy, bad grades, defiance, behavior problems at school or home, problems with motivation and executive functioning, etc. Are there problems I'm forgetting? lol)

Yeah, you're forgetting lots of things. Violence. School refusal. Mental health problems. Dropping out of HS. Suicide attempts. Drug overdoses. Criminal behavior. Self harm. Hospitalizations. Residential treatment. There is no LOL about this list. Teenagers can be unbelievably difficult. If you ever thought the infant stage was tough due to sleep deprivation, you may end up thinking it was a walk in the park if you end up with a difficult teenager.

Some kids are easier than others, but issues with sex, gender, college decisions, friendships, bullying, depression, etc can be mentally harder to deal with. Plus you do a lot of driving.

My teen is sometimes moody but mostly okay. No talkative anymore (not with me at least) but still mostly fine. No major issues until the last few months finding out about cheating at school and smoking pot. I was an unusual teen in that I gave my mom no trouble at all. She was too busy dealing with my older brother who caused a lot of problems. I feel like this is just a time we need to get through because it is what my aunt said "Little kids, little problem. Big kids, big problems." When I look at my niece and nephew who are in ES, I'd give anything to go back to that age. The worst thing that happened was that he would break something or refuse to wash his hair. Now I am scared my son might try another drug laced with fentanyl or something.

I don't have teens, but my teens years weren't really hard at all. I got along really well with family, didn't mind following the rules. Had a great small group of friends. Started puberty early, but even that wasn't too bad, and yes, I stayed a kid much longer than some apparently. People who try to warm you is silly to me, not every teen will be the same.

Anonymous wrote:I don't h ave teens but, in retrospect, it must have been hard for my parents.

I was treated for really bad anorexia at 14 (got down to 89 lbs. and I am 5'7) and a continued eating disorder from there on. So that must have been scary for them. Otherwise, I was a "good" kid who obeyed their rules, got good grades, and didn't get into trouble. But it must have been frightening to see your daughter starving herself and not understand why.

Then there was my brother. Also a "good" kid with good grades but he got into some trouble. He totaled 2 cars, got picked up by police and brought home for being publicly drunk, got caught drinking on the senior trip and almost expelled from school, almost got arrested for breaking and entering into his summer job after hours. So he wasn't a total delight to raise either.

^ oh also. I forgot that a cop found me "parking" with my boyfriend (just kissing) and he felt it was necessary to tell my father. We lived in a small town where people knew each other. I'm sure that was fun for him to hear

I don't h ave teens but, in retrospect, it must have been hard for my parents.

I was treated for really bad anorexia at 14 (got down to 89 lbs. and I am 5'7) and a continued eating disorder from there on. So that must have been scary for them. Otherwise, I was a "good" kid who obeyed their rules, got good grades, and didn't get into trouble. But it must have been frightening to see your daughter starving herself and not understand why.

Then there was my brother. Also a "good" kid with good grades but he got into some trouble. He totaled 2 cars, got picked up by police and brought home for being publicly drunk, got caught drinking on the senior trip and almost expelled from school, almost got arrested for breaking and entering into his summer job after hours. So he wasn't a total delight to raise either.

Everyone kind of acts like "watch out" when your kid turns 13 with this idea that from 13-18 ish they turn into moody, mean assholes who hate you and have all these big problems they try to hide from you.

Obviously this is not every kid but given the prevalence of the stereotype, does this describe a lot of teens?

How hard was it for you or your friends to have a teen in the house? What kinds of problems did he or she face? What kinds of problems did their friends face or your friends' teens face? Did anyone just skate through these years issue free?

(from drugs, alcohol, addiction, eating disorders, social issues with friendship groups, bullying, sexual harassment and assault, pregnancy, bad grades, defiance, behavior problems at school or home, problems with motivation and executive functioning, etc. Are there problems I'm forgetting? lol)