Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

Like what?

It's sort of like on the show Cops where cops repeatedly yell "stop resisting!" Does anyone ever actually stop? No.

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

If my dh told me to calm down, I'd tell him to eff off.

Anonymous wrote:I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

Really isn’t ok. It used to be ok but now it’s not. You need different words.

I’m going to disagree here. If my DH told me to calm down, I would think I had crossed a line and back off a bit, but that’s just our relationship. I don’t think it’s a big deal. I tell my kids to calm down all the time. Is that ok?

I feel it's kind of akin to asking a woman, "Is it your time of the month?" during an argument: antiquated and insulting.

I thought the phrase was banned in prisons because it so infuriated (riled up) the prisoners.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

+1

At best, it's completely ineffective. At worst, it comes of as sexist, dismissive, mean, and/or uncaring.

Not sure about the sexist part. My wife occasionally tells me to calm down and it makes me angrier. I assume it would have the same impact going the other way. I agree with the rest.

Society generally views a woman’s emotional expression as undesirable, overblown, hysterical, etc. A man’s anger is acceptable but a woman’s isn’t. This is obviously a generalization but there is a huge gendered component to the problem with saying “calm down.”

Yeah just don’t.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

+1

At best, it's completely ineffective. At worst, it comes of as sexist, dismissive, mean, and/or uncaring.

Not sure about the sexist part. My wife occasionally tells me to calm down and it makes me angrier. I assume it would have the same impact going the other way. I agree with the rest.

Anonymous wrote:No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

+1

At best, it's completely ineffective. At worst, it comes of as sexist, dismissive, mean, and/or uncaring.

Clam down is a terrible thing to say, usually. It is often either gaslighting, counterproductive, or both.

Now I have spoken with my husband about my difficulties being calm around DH and we have agreed beforehand that if he notices that I need to calm down, he should remind me to do so. That is useful for me.

We should always defer to the most irrational person, clearly.

No one, in the history of calming down, has ever calmed down by being told to calm down. Infuriating.

“Calm down” is it inappropriate?
I thought “calm down” was generally considered infuriating.