[quote=Anonymous]Spouse had been sober (as far as I know) until recently. Things point to use and lying while I was away with my ES age kids for a week. I’m done with this BS but worried about how to get full custody. Otherwise I feel I have to stay to protect my children. They hide it and it would be hard for me to have proof. I got some Lyft history off the phone (yeah I checked) which looks like someone else was at our house from 4-7AM (also points to cheating and manic use).

I need full custody to get out of this. Please help me with any info on this. [/quote]

People can be awake and active between 4 and 7 am without experiencing mania. I have never been a night owl, but there’s science showing that those can be incredibly philosophical and creative hours for those who utilize them.

[quote=Anonymous]OP here. How do parents choose between what they need for themselves and what is best for their children? I don’t want to be married to this person but how do I weigh that with my children’s needs? I also feel guilty that if I hadn’t gone away for a week this wouldn’t have happened. Like it’s my fault this all happened. [/quote]

First, you leaving has nothing to do with this dude’s drinking.

First step, get yourself a good therapist and Al Anon.

Second step, see a lawyer.

Third step, start to analyze how this looks to your kid. How old is the kid? Can they fix themselves a sandwich if they are at dads and he is passed out? Are they close to an age where they can just refuse to see their dad and the court won’t do too much about it? Do you really think your spouse will actively exercise taking the kid? Do you think they will even fight to see the kid on paper? Can you love without child support? All of this would factor into how I handled it.

I will say that I really wish my mom had left my dad who had a drinking problem. We would have been ages 12-16 and she totally should have done it. If we had been 4-8, she probably would have needed to stay a while. But, she never left.

A judge would not think that drinking and whatever else you suspect happened while your kids were out of town have anything to do with his fitness as a father.

Just to clarify, my kids were with me. Spouse was alone.

Courts don’t care. My ex was/is habitual user and really the best you can hope for is that they opt out. But you do have to forget ever leaving them with him for a week.

OP here. How do parents choose between what they need for themselves and what is best for their children? I don’t want to be married to this person but how do I weigh that with my children’s needs? I also feel guilty that if I hadn’t gone away for a week this wouldn’t have happened. Like it’s my fault this all happened.

The good news is he probably won’t even take all the days he’s awarded. But you’re not even close to building a case for full custody.

I'm not a family lawyer, but have done custody work pro bono - the standard in most states is extremely high. It's almost impossible to do these days; courts really want kids to have access to both parents if at all possible. You'd probably have to make a showing of really bad abuse (of the child) or some compelling reason that the child's safety would be in danger if they spent time with the other parent. I'd consult a family/custody lawyer.

[quote=Anonymous]Spouse had been sober (as far as I know) until recently. Things point to use and lying while I was away with my ES age kids for a week. I’m done with this BS but worried about how to get full custody. Otherwise I feel I have to stay to protect my children. They hide it and it would be hard for me to have proof. I got some Lyft history off the phone (yeah I checked) which looks like someone else was at our house from 4-7AM (also points to cheating and manic use).

I need full custody to get out of this. Please help me with any info on this. [/quote]

Depending on your state it can be almost impossible. Mine attacked my kid in order to vicariously hurt me, permanently scarred his face and was arrested and charged with aggravated assault of a minor, of which he was guilty. He got it expunged as a first offense and was offered 50/50 (that he didn’t take).d

Anonymous wrote:I knew a child whose father broke into their home beat mom unconscious, kidnapped kid who was found by police in an apartment where Dad was squatting. Dad was unconscious on heroin and toddler was wandering around unsupervised.

He got unsupervised visitation when he got out of jail.

That is horrific but I am not surprised. Courts have gone completely batsh*t with the fathers rights these days.

I knew a child whose father broke into their home beat mom unconscious, kidnapped kid who was found by police in an apartment where Dad was squatting. Dad was unconscious on heroin and toddler was wandering around unsupervised.

He got unsupervised visitation when he got out of jail.

Private investigator but you would probably have to get solid evidence of him murdering or raping someone to have a chance at full custody these days.

My ex husband had DWI’s. The courts don’t care.

Lawyer

Spouse had been sober (as far as I know) until recently. Things point to use and lying while I was away with my ES age kids for a week. I’m done with this BS but worried about how to get full custody. Otherwise I feel I have to stay to protect my children. They hide it and it would be hard for me to have proof. I got some Lyft history off the phone (yeah I checked) which looks like someone else was at our house from 4-7AM (also points to cheating and manic use).

I need full custody to get out of this. Please help me with any info on this.